Son doesn't want to go to his Dads

[MrsIncognito2017]

My 10 year old son today told me he is not going to his Dads for Christmas.

We alternate Christmas so the last time he went for Christmas it was 2016. He usually sees him about once a month. He Skype calls every week and 10 year old always refuses to talk to him. I have two other children who Skype him and are happy to see him.

Obviously I would prefer having my children with me over Christmas, but as it's been arranged they will see their Dad DH and I have been planning some much needed alone time. We fear this is clouding our judgment a bit, hence coming onto MN

Should I allow my son to stay home with us? Or encourage/make him go to his Dads. His Dad will be very hurt, and this could damage their already fragile relationship. It's a slippery slope. Is my son old enough to know his own mind and make his own choices? Or as his parents should we be deciding what is best? Is it actually in his best interests to stay with me (even though I was looking forward to the break) or would be in his best interest to go with his siblings to his Dads?

Your DS has very legitimate reasons for not spending his Christmas with his not very invested Dad. Do not force him or you could jeopardise your relationship with him. You and your H are going to have to make other plans.

Read the OP. They were planning some 'much needed alone time'. I guess DH in particular might have been looking forward to having his wife to himself. Lets hope the lads not sensing that then as well.

Surely your ds is more important than your alone time with dh?

Think he's well old enough to decide himself and its horrible to send him unwillingly just to get rid of him

Has his dad made any effort to encourage him into the Skype sessions? Did he have any reason for missing his birthday party?

Sounds like your DS has realised his dad doesn't make any effort so why should he... unless his dad actively works at it then their relationship is probably finished already.

How do you think his dad will react? Will he just shrug it off like the Skype sessions? (I'm assuming that's what he's done as you didn't mention great effort or upset). Do you think he even realises that his son isn't happy?

I have exactly the same problem with my eldest DS OP. I played the long game by taking him seriously and allowing him a choice. He didn't stay at his dad for a few months but agreed to this weekend as it was his dad's birthday. He admitted he had a good time and we are now discussion a compromise of once a month. Its important your son feels heard but also he needs to compromise. Talk it through with him. You will come out the other side

If he doesn’t go for Christmas could you and ex arrange a special visit where it’s just him? Maybe for new year or something similar? Sounds like he needs space away from his siblings.

I'd encourage him to go and explain its important that the DC all go together, if after going this year he never wants to go again at Xmas that's fine but this year it's been arranged and he has to go!

What is your relationship like with your ex? Could you call and say: ‘I don’t want to get involved in your relationship with DS but I think it’s important to know how he is feeling, because I’m not sure he world tell you directly. DS is hurt you didn’t make an effort to see him on his bday. He even said ‘ if I’m important to him he’ll come see me’. Now he is apprehensive about Xmas and saying he just wants some quiet time here. DS needs stability, such as consistent bed times for everyone, quiet time alone away from siblings, not so much time over at strangers or your mates houses, etc. I know you love them, but DS is frustrated. You don’t need to answer to me, but it might be nice to reach out. You know I believe it’s importabt for you two to have a good relationship. If he does come for Christmas, I think it would mean a lot to spend some one on one time, and try to do some little things for stability between our two places.”

Of course my sons needs are more important than my alone time! I always put them first (within reason).

To anyone on the outside it looks as though my ex and I get on well as friends. He is always welcome, I always encourage the children to Skype him, I keep him updated on important matters and achievements. I don't actually like him though and I think maybe I'm actually a little happy DS doesn't want to go. This is one of the reasons I'm finding the situation difficult, am I doing what is best me or best for DS? (I'd love it if none of the children wanted anything to with him, but that's not necessarily best in the long term.) Wether he goes this year or not though I think this will be the last time I do Christmas like this. In future I am not going to arrange for them to go. Ex can just suck it up.

My ex is very immature and wouldn't take it at all well. I think this is one of my worries. I did wonder if the not coming to his birthday was related to DS never Skyping him. He said it was because he couldn't afford it.

Although with regards to the 5 hours in a car unfortunately DS will have to suffer this anyway as I can't leave him home alone. We usually meet halfway.

Going forward I don't think I should be making him go somewhere he is clearly not happy. He has never really had a good relationship with his Dad, even when we were together. Maybe being older he remembers more? When I left it was three weeks before he even asked where his Dad was! DS2 loves seeing his Dad though, he clearly thinks he is the best ever, floods of tears every time we leave, wishes we would get back together... DS3 didn't ever live with him and I'm not sure he actually understands. He asked me the other week why Daddy's name is Daddy, when I told him it's because he is his Dad he was like What are you talking about? Lead to a whole conversation about where babies come from!

@MrsIncognito2017 your situation sounds identical to mine. It's hard, isn't it?

It is hard @gingergenius especially as I have such conflicting emotions. I'm always thinking is this what is best for my child? Or actually is this just what's best for me?

Is there anyway ex could come down to yours to pick them up and take DS out for a meal or something first so they get quiet alone time before taking the others back for Christmas? I think that would be a good compromise.

Me too. I like to think I'm as balanced as possible but I wonder whether it's actually possible to be completely objective. I tie myself in knots about it. My ex has a smug knife it all sanctimonious gf and they're always coming home with comments about how she'd do this that or the other and it just gets my goat. I'm probably oversensitive but it stings nonetheless. My oh (doesn't live with us) keeps badgering me to insist that eldest DS (16) goes to his dad's so we can have alone time and much as I'd love some time off it's not about me so I'm stuck in the middle of it all feeling overwhelmed.

He has never had a good relationship with his father.

His father couldn't be bothered to come to his birthday party.

He doesn't want to even Skype with his father.

He will have a miserable time over Christmas if you make him go.

I would tell him it's up to him if he doesn't want to go. But if you have to drive half way to the handover, do not give his father an opportunity to bully him into going anyway.

Poor kid. He sounds miserable.

He is not miserable on a day to day basis, he has a great relationship with his Step Dad.

My gut is telling me to give him the choice and not make him go if he is unhappy.

My DS refuses to see his Dad, he is 10.

But there is a massive background and completely different situations. They have been no contact for two years now.

I'm always reluctant to force children into having to see the absent parent but I'm also aware my judgement is clouded by my situation.

Contact once a month doesn't sound a lot either.

Have you spoken to their Dad about it at all? Or has he told his Dad he doesn't want to go?

Good relationships take time and effort. I hope you do give your son a choice. If his father is unhappy, then he needs to think why it’s happened and how he can repair the relationship. The adult should be the one making most of the effort, and the child should have a voice in what happens.

ZoeWashburne, that all sounds great but I don't think it would work with OP's ex. He'd say Yes to her, then just do what he likes, as always.
OP's ex sounds like my late DH, and that's what he did.

OP, I think your gut is right.