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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my sister needs to back off

12 replies

Butterball17 · 17/12/2017 18:44

Me and my sister are very close but also very different ... I have four children she has one.... her child is an only child through choice as in her words she got her girl (she’s 7) so didn’t need to try again.
My issue with her is that she is very suffocating towards her daughter, she won’t go out anywhere without her daughter... so doesn’t go on date nights, nights out or even go around to friends house unless her daughter is invited, she won’t even let her husband look after his own daughter and this has led to a very distant relationship between their daughter and her father.
She worked at the same nursery her daughter attended and has now started working at her school.
She refuses to let her daughter become independent in any way and even cuts her food up for her and dresses her.
Her entire life revolves around her daughter but recently become annoyed that the school didn’t realise her daughter had a father who she lives with as she tends to go to parents evenings and meetings without him,
I appreciate having four children means I don’t tend to overprotect them too much and they are naturally more independent and resilient and I also appreciate that everyone parents different and my style is far from perfect but her little girl has become very needy and emotionally distraught every time her mother leaves her at school for example.
I know my sisters background and abuse was never a factor in her childhood as far as I’m aware but she seems to discourage her child from having any kind of relationship with her father..... recently when she had to go to hospital with pneumonia she insisted our parents came to look after her child.
I want to tell her to let her daughter be a bit more independent and to encourage more
Of a relationship with her dad but actually think she will get offended... do I say something????

OP posts:
Silverthorn · 17/12/2017 18:53

Well not really without pissing her off unfortunately. You could invite your niece for sleepovers or playdates with your dc maybe.

GrooovyLass · 17/12/2017 19:03

Sounds like your sister has a big problem, and her daughter will end up with one too. Your bil needs to get help for her and also put his foot down and insist that he's allowed to parent his child.

PinkyBlunder · 17/12/2017 19:07

I actually think it’s you that needs to back off. She does things differently to you and and you’re drawing conclusions from your own opinions on what is acceptable.

christmaspudding1 · 17/12/2017 19:10

tamara ecclestone double by the sounds

poor child and dad

dont think she would take kindly with you saying anything

Ijustlovefood · 17/12/2017 19:20

I think you should talk to her. Maybe send her a text and do it that way?

greendale17 · 17/12/2017 19:22

This is not healthy for the mother or the daughter at all

Butterball17 · 17/12/2017 19:31

Part of the reason I want to say something is I have heard veiled comments from others and her daughter has started to get picked on by other children for crying constantly when her mums not around...... I appreciate people do things different but I think her way of alienating her husband and being possessive of her daughter isn’t helping anyone.

OP posts:
Thetruthfairy · 17/12/2017 19:46

I would have to pick a time to talk this through with her if you think she would listen at all. She sounds as if she needs professional and poss medical help. Not healthy at all. Her poor dh and dd.

I have a friend who is like this. Got pregnant to have a dd, wouldn't even discuss the posdiblilty of a ds. This friend has very deep-routed issues with men, and really didn't want to parent one herself. I wonder if your sis's issues stem from a something similar? Or anxiety related maybe?

Hope you manage to get through to her op.

Rachie1973 · 17/12/2017 20:02

Butterball17
do I say something????

No.

They have a different parenting style to you. Their choice to make.

Butterball17 · 17/12/2017 20:12

I appreciate parenting styles are different and have never said anything to her before now... I just think their mutual and complete reliance on each other is extreme .., when my sister went into hospital for 3 nights her daughter wouldn’t eat, made herself sick and cried herself to sleep... she wouldn’t allow herself to be comforted by her father either... my sisters whole life revolves around her daughter at the expense of everything and I genuinely worry how she will cope when her daughter grows up and leaves home. No abuse as far as I know, had very loving parents and as far as I know no violence and abuse at home either!

OP posts:
Jerseysilkvelour · 17/12/2017 20:41

The child isn't learning to be independent of her mother and isn't forming her own identity. She's being treated as an extension of her mother rather than as a whole, separate person. This will not be good for her in the future and you'd best start saving for her counselling now TBH.... how you tackle it with your sister I don't quite know, but your sister has as big a problem as the daughter and probably would benefit from some counselling herself. It is not normal or healthy to be that attached and reliant on anyone.

TitaniasCloset · 18/12/2017 20:28

I think it's important you say something so that in years to come if asked you can say you did try. But she won't take it well. I think that level of dependency is bordering on abuse to be honest.

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