WIBU to be unhappy for the sake of giving my kids a good life? (Sorry, this could a long one!)

[LoopyLou1981]

I’ve been with my dh for several years. We both enjoy a drink and, over the years, he pulled a few stunts that have annoyed me (not coming home all night, not coming home at all for 24-48 hours, coming home injured resulting in me having to get him to A&E etc). These things get worse/more frequent when he’s unhappy with work.
He swore it would all change when our first baby arrived (it did for a few weeks) and he swore that it would again with our second (yes, I know it wasn’t my wisest move but I wanted our lb to have a sibling and I figured I already dealt with it once).
In that time he’s been out of control drunk at least once a week and not come home at all at least once a month.
He’s now got a new job. He’s happy. He had to drive so can’t drink (his previous job was commuting on public transport).
He seems to think that, because he’s now happy and life is going his way, that everything between us is perfect. However, after years of either sitting at home with a drunk man talking nonsense, cleaning up after him (split wine, wetting himself on the sofa/bed etc) I’ve found myself incredibly bitter and twisted. I don’t like being around him, I’m spiteful towards him, we have no physical relationship because the thought makes me cringe,
The problem I have is that, if I left, our kids wouldn’t have a nice a life as they would if I stayed. We’re not wealthy by any stretch but we have our own house (with a mortgage), they have their own bedrooms, we can go out at weekends etc.
So...wibu to stay and hate my life because it means that my kids would have a nicer life?
(My parents are divorced and remarried and I have a brilliant relationship with all 4 of my parents so I know that side of things can work)xx

Having been there minus the mortgage and marriage...I'd say no. Sounds very much like the situation I was in and sick to fucking death of being on edge/wondering what the next upset would be.

Yeah, living with an alcohol abuser and staying in a bitter marriage "for the sake of the kids" is a shitty thing to do to your kids. If you want to stay and expose them to such an unhealthy dynamic for the sake of a nice house then own it. Don't lay the guilt at their door

Please do not stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of the kids. You think it will be better for them but kids are not stupid, they will eventually sense your unhappiness and it will become the model for their own future relationships. My parents did this and it was torturous for all of us, my dad became bitter and angry at the lack of intimacy and my mother became constantly withdrawn and depressed.
Sometimes you have to take care of yourself to be able to take proper care of your children xx

Sorry I meant no, don't stay! Self preservation, better state of mind.

Leave leave leave! I left due to similar issues although my kids were 3 and 6. That was a year ago and still so so glad I did. Your kids are how old? At six my son would comment why doesn't daddy like you mum. You have put up a lot OP and you deserve better and true happiness.

If it doesn't bother you, then why would it bother your DC? Unless you're being a little disingenuous about who it really is that would miss being a home owner?

Staying together 'for the kids' is a terrible idea. They rarely, if ever, benefit from it.

Hi Op. Firstly I don't think YABU to consider how different and difficult it would be to take your children and leave. I think it's understandable you feel the way you feel towards your husband. He's put you through a lot. I made the decision to leave with my baby because of similar experience with my exp. It was so hard. He still lives in unit he owns paying for the mortgage. I rent. Renting means we haven't got stability and have had to move several times ( after receiving a 2months notice without reason letter in last 3 properties). One thing that never occurred to me was being confronted with hostile and discriminatory comments and attitudes towards single mothers. I knew some people are like that but didn't know how extensive it was. I'm in Australia and I've come across many available properties affordable to me but have been told landlord would prefer a family. As if my single parent family isn't a family. I've always paid rent on time, looked after property and tried to be considerate of neighbors. I would have loved a sibling for my child, so I get that decision you made. It just didn't happen for me. Sometimes I think would it have been better if my dd and I to had stayed? And really I don't know. In some ways there are significant improvements to our lives and mostly I am glad we left. However, there are some significant challenges and difficulties we have to somehow deal with too. Lay out all the pros and cons. Then list possible solutions. Perhaps for the sake of stability for you and your children you stay. Can you alter your living arrangements/relationship with husband to a cohabitation rather than an intimate relationship? Do you have a spare room you can have for yourself as a a bedroom or whatever? Do you have the space and finance to build an extension to the house or a granny flat? Could you discuss with your husband how you feel and work out a compromise on remaining living together for the sake of the children but not intimately? Would he over react and make the situation worse? Your situation, the decisions you have to make, possible consequences and the questions you have to ask yourself are not easy. I hope you find what works best for you and your children. Best of luck LoopyLou

The job is new, so it's probably early days to assume he's given up drinking permanently. If he's an alcoholic, it won't be that easy.

If he genuinely has given up, that's a very good thing for him, for you, and for your children, but of course you are angry and of course you can't just forgive and forget all the previous behaviour.

I don't think it's a straight choice - you unhappy versus children's lifestyle/happiness. There are so many factors at play: can he keep it up; will he acknowledge and make reparation for the damage he's done to your marriage; might you be able to forgive him in time if he does both of these?

I would strongly recommend contacting a support organisation for the families of alcoholics e.g. Alcoholics Anonymous. I think you need help to deal with this, whichever way you decide to go.

Well, this sounds horribly familiar.

I kicked him out. Agreed that I would stay in the house for the benefit of the children, have in effect a mesher order that says he has no right of access to the house (agreed with him)

Fuck living like that.

I really do think that once you are a parent you have to put your children first. If you genuinely think that your children will be happier if you stay, or if you think that leavingwould cause them pain then I am afraid to say that you really should stay. No one could blame you for feeling the way that you do but feeling that way and acting on it are two different things.

I get it, OP.

I don't believe that "staying together for the kids" is always worse than separating.

Could you have some counselling? Try to save the marriage?

Al-anon is the support group for families.

Thank you for all the replies.x

It's totally normal you feel the way you do and unfortunately, it is unlikely he will understand it as men tend to be very much 'in the moment' mood, so it will be difficult for him to comprehend why you would feel so negative about him now when he is finally sorting himself out.

I do think though that you are not at the stage of throwing your relationship away. You've clearly kept it all inside and it is all coming out now. It doesn't mean that you can rekindle what you had with him, especially if indeed, his change of attitude is sustained.

You need to speak with him in a way that he can try to understand why it is hard for you to act as if all is well and ignore the past and maybe consider counselling. Trust that it is possible that you can love him again as you used to. If it doesn't happen after some time, then do consider moving on.

If you stay, you are modelling your relationship with your husband as the norm. So they grow up thinking that is what relationships are, and will pick up on the underlying 'material things are more important than happiness' message, and will thus be vulnerable to going into relationships with that low expectation for themselves. Or you could model how self-worth and happiness are more important than material comforts. Unless you are going to end up on the streets, but it doesn't sound like that. If you are, then stay until your finances improve or you have alternate housing arranged. So I suppose it depends on what you believe is a 'nicer life' really. I'd choose the life with a happy mum any day of the week.

I've been with my dh for a long time there has been times where I have been desperately unhappy..to leave him,would of meant disrupting four children from four different schools,one being a special school.we would of had to move up north where it's cheaper,and I would of had to work ,I'm a stay at home mum because I've two children with disabilities...so I chose to stay...and twenty five years together now ,I'm happy...my husband now nearly fifty has finally matured,we have a good life and settled children...we do love each other,but it's been touch and go....my dh was an alcoholic ..he gave up over ten yrs ago and never touched a drop again...so yr dh can turn it round if he wants to....and time does heal hurt feelings...I'm sure I will be in the minority saying ...stay a little longer see how things pan out ,give him chance to put it right...good luck hon

It makes me feel better that I’m getting views from both sides. I thought everyone would just say I’d be crazy to stay.
I think I’d feel happier about staying if I was better at hiding my emotions when the kids are around. I’ve ended up so bitter about my life that it doesn’t take much for me to snap at dh. If I could stick a smile on and get through each day I’d feel better about it not affecting the kids badly x

loopy - youre in a difficult situation. it strikes me that you need to find an outlet for you, to build up your confidence and esteem.

Its all too easy to get caught in the family bubble especially when kids are small. Its what happened to me.

I did end the marriage. every now and again i wonder if i did the right thing. Im told and can see that the kids are doing well ... a huge consolation for me right now.

However, i cant help but think about uni for the eldest, about driving lessons, school trips etc. I cant do it on my own. However he has not atoned for any of it. Hes not tried to fix things, to make an effort. So, i dont really have a choice but face the future on my own.

He did suggest that we could work at it if we wanted it enough (after 1 year separated). What a laugh .. there was no work from him throughout the marriage therefore i couldn't see how that would work.

My marriage was abusive. Not violent, but he was an extremely difficult, selfish, passive aggressive, resentful man. If someone can do that to a partner, knowingly, I would question their ability to grow with me.

Best wishes

Its not 'men' ! The op lives with a drug addict.

Kick him out. Your kids know and you are setting an awful example. ( as is he) . and you are wasting your life with a drunk.

Staying is worse for the children and you. They will be in an unhappy home and you won't be able to hide it, children see everything. People manage on low incomes and have happy families, you will be ok.

I think staying together for the kids only works if you can get over your bitterness and resentment and be genuinely content to keep a husband who is really just a housemate. Your children won't know your marriage is sexless but they will definitely pick up on the fact that you hate your life, nobody is capable of hiding that kind of deep-seated unhappiness.

It sounds like in your case leaving would be better for your children.

Your Husband is a drinker who pisses himself, is sick and expects you to clean it up. He goes missing for anything up to 48 hours at a time.

He now doesn't do it as he has to drive for work but prior to this, it happened with enough frequency for you to now detest him and be irritated by him.

You no longer have a physical relationship but feel you can carry on like this with a fake smile each day to hide it from the children.

I'm sorry, but none of that sounds like a happy home life for the children. Children are not stupid, they will pick up on the atmosphere you think you are hiding and accept this as normal, probably seeking out the same dysfunctional relationship for themselves when they are older.

Give it one more shot op? Go see a therapist it might be some sort of PTSD catching up with you now?