To ask you for help laying down ground rules of living together

[twiney]

Hi MN!
So next month I am moving in with my boyfriend and would like you to help me come up with a solid and fair plan for division of money and household tasks. I do not want to find myself in the situation of many we read about on here.

Me and him will be sitting down sometime next week to discuss this but I wanted to hear your thoughts.

Here are the details:

• I make 3 times what he does. I work 30 hours a week, all from home.
• He works 40 hours a week and its quite uncomfortable work (think physical and outside).

With this in mind, please tell me how you would break up the following:

• MONEY:

Rent Bills Food shop

• CHORES:

Cleaning Cooking Food shopping

Ta!

People have covered loads and the only thing I would add is to understand and impress that tidying and cleaning are not the same thing.

Cleaning a flat where everything has been put away and laundry isn't spilling over takes a reasonable amount of time. Having to organise chaos before even flicking a microfibre cloth doubles-trebles it.

Sort that early on and you're less likely to fantasise about choking one another on the aforementioned microfibre cloth.

I think kbthe money should be split at the same ratio you earn.

And I STRONLY believe that housework should have absolutely no relation to money earning. You both work “full time” regardless of what that brings in so it is only fair to share housework equally.
However it sounds like you earn quite a bit do I would recommend a cleaner so you both only have to do Day-to-day cleaning up after yourselves, cooking and laundry.

When we moved in together our wages were very different. DH asked me what I could pay in rent+bills and he made up the difference (he chose the price range for what to look at to rent). He also tended to pay for extras such as cinema trips or meals out.

I was working shorter hours and term time so did more housework but he took on certain jobs (dusting and floors). I also enjoyed cooking so did most of that and the shopping to go along with it. We split the food cost in half.

This changed at various points over the last 10 years. I am now sole wage earner (in a better job) with him being SAHD and doing most of the housework. I still do more of the cooking and food shopping/organisation. We have a joint current account and separate savings which makes life so much easier.

In your case I would suggest you pay the 2/3 rent and larger proportion of the bills along the lines of what he can afford. If (for example) he is wanting an expensive TV package that you don't want though that comes out of his money.

Take into account any commuting time he needs as well as his actual working hours. Work out housework based on what you each have time and skills for. We found it easier to have set "jobs" to do. If one of you prefers to cook then that's great (as is if you want to take it in turns).

Remember it's okay to readjust it and say if it's not working. Communication is key!

@Cantspell2

I like your system!

The only reason I thought a 2/3 vs 1/3 split on rent would be fair is because
A) An extra chunk was added on for use of the downstairs garage, which i have zero use for, and
B) With this rent split, he is still paying €200 less than currently on his own, for a much better place. Whereas I will be paying €100 more than currently.

@Remainoptimistic, what is the matter with living with someone without marriage in mind? Cohabiting is cohabiting, married or not. Not everyone is bothered about marriage. I have been with my partner for 23 years, 17 of those living together. We have a mutually supportive and happy relationship, and a piece of paper would make no difference to how we feel about each other. We don't have children though, possibly that would make a difference (we're too old now ).
OP, we have a system where we play to our strengths. I hate record keeping, sorting out the bills, maintenance etc so my oh does that. I do the housework. I do the cooking, because I enjoy it, but I never ever wash up, that's his job. We pay 50 50 all joint expenses from a household account. We have our own money in our own bank accounts to spend as we please.

The point isn't the marriage certificate, the point is the level of commitment and expectations of both partners.

Might sound like a stupid question but has he lived away from his parents before? You don't want one you have to train...

I don’t think you should subsidise his bills or food OP, or you’ll end up resenting him. Fine for you to pay more rent if you’re earning more and wanted a more expensive place. But you shouldn’t really be supporting him so early in the relationship.

r.u.n

You pay 2\3 rent and bills, as you have chosen the higher rent and will be consuming water, heating, electricity etc while working from home.

I would not take respective earnings into account until you marry or start a family or make another long-term commitment like buying a house, and have joint finances - just each pay your own way for now.

Split the food bill equally, unless one or other of you is into fine wine or has caviar on your morning cornflakes, in which case split the normal shop and each fund your own luxuries.

Split the chores equally, either by doing them together a few times a week or by allotting particular tasks permanently to one person or the other, ensuring a fair division of crap and less crap jobs (bonus if you have complementary perceptions of 'crap'). I'm biased against taking turns as IME one person will do a much more careful job than the other and then resent the other 'sslackness, which leaves them more to do when their turn comes. I prefer to set aside a time and get it done together, as it feels better to share the work side-by-side.

Normally I would say until kids are involved, everything should be evenly split regardless of income but your situation is a bit more complicated.

So, leaving aside the question of who earns more, consider the other factors. You wanted something a little nicer than he did, and as you WFH I presume it has a bit more space than another couple would need so that you have a home office or something. Also, being home all day you create higher bills by having the heating on, using electricity, water. On the other hand, there's the cost of the garage that he benefits from and you don't, and even though he would be happy to live somewhere less nice, he will enjoy the benefits of the nicer place. I can't tell you what the equitable split is but those are the facts to put on the table when you two sit down to discuss this.

Remember to discuss phone, Internet and tv separately from the other bills because the charge for those isn't based on usage so it doesn't matter that you're home all day but maybe one of you wants a tv bundle the other wouldn't normally buy. I would always split food costs evenly because anything else seems like a hassle but I bet a manual labouring guy eats a helluva lot more than a desk-based girl so that's for you to figure out.

Definitely do not put equal percentages of your joint income into a joint account! This might be fair in a longstanding relationship that has survived the test of cohabitation or involves shared children but this is you and your boyfriend moving into your first place together. No matter how strong the relationship feels now you have no idea what strain living together can put on people. Agree to revisit joint accounts/money splitting if your circumstances change, like saving for a mortgage or having a baby.

Unless part of his enjoying a tidy/clean house is that he loves doing housework, pay for a cleaner. The rest of the division of labour is so personal to each couple there's no magic formula. Write down a list of all of the household responsibilities and agree what suits you both. If you Google division of household chores you'll find lists and advice to help with this process.