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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want Stepson living with us?

27 replies

paperbin · 15/12/2017 08:58

Stepson is 30+. Split with his long term GF 3 years ago. He lodges with a friend who is married with 2 kids. He has a full time job. But he drinks. A lot. He is an alcoholic but he claims he doesn't have a problem.
Friend (landlord) now very concerned as when he is drunk he forgets he has put oven on etc. Fire risk etc. He is thinking about kicking him out, but no way is he coming here. We have a spare room, but I don't want him. AIBU?

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 15/12/2017 08:59

YANBU

laudanum · 15/12/2017 09:00

Nope, I wouldn't want him either. It's time to stand on his own two feet.

CocaColaTruck · 15/12/2017 09:00

YANBU

Marriedwithchildren5 · 15/12/2017 09:01

Probably. He needs family. However if you have children and are concerned for their safety then you may be right. Either way you're partner needs to do the best by their son and you should support that. You at least need to try and help in some way.

streetlife70s · 15/12/2017 09:02

Absolutely not BU and that’s coming from someone who’s all for stepmums treating stepkids same as their own.

But I’d have an issue with my own son living with me at 30 and with a drinking problem so no YADNBU.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 15/12/2017 09:03

YANBU and would be enabling his alcoholism. Tell him you will be there to help when he is ready to face up to his drink problem.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 15/12/2017 09:04

If you would take in your own child in those circumstances then YABU to stop your DP from doing the same, if you wouldn't then YANBU.

Marley45 · 15/12/2017 09:04

Nope not U at all!

pinkdelight · 15/12/2017 09:05

YANBU. ime alcoholics don't realise they have a problem as long as people go on facilitating them. If you let him stay, it'll add however many years to his ability to function (just) while drinking too much. If you don't take him in - and he realises why (can you talk to him about it?) - that might help truncate the time till he has his wake up call.

Blackteadrinker77 · 15/12/2017 09:28

You absolutely have to support him but that doesn't mean moving him in.
If he works full time then he can rent a room in house share or can rent a 1-2 bedroom flat. Anything around the £400 mark is manageable on even NLW.

Can you set up some viewings and go with him? Maybe help out with the first month rent/bond if you are able, if not google local charities that help do this.

Is he ready for help with his drinking? If so get him to the doctors is the first step. If not there is very little you can do.

expatinscotland · 15/12/2017 09:30

The only unreasonable thing is his LL not putting him out now. If I had a lodger who did that he'd be OUT asap. I wouldn't take him in. 'You're an alcoholic who is a risk to himself and others. Until you own up to that, you need to find other lodging.'

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 15/12/2017 09:33

I’d let him stay if he agreed to no getting drunk.

ShatnersWig · 15/12/2017 09:43

I’d let him stay if he agreed to no getting drunk.

Um, he's an alcoholic. Not one in recovery.

crunchymint · 15/12/2017 09:53

If he does not accept that he is an alcoholic, then taking him in will only facilitate his alcoholism. He should get the same level of support as you would give to your son. But contacting Al Anon for advice would be the better move.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 15/12/2017 09:55

Someone's got to have him though OP. My Mum took my brother in when he was in a mess after his wife left him.

As she said, nobody else would.

He got back on his feet...found somewhere of his own with her help.

He was 40 when he moved in with her.

Had she been remarried or something after my Dad died and her new man tried to tell her that her own son couldn't live with them...he'd have found out that blood is thicker than water.

We all have hard times in life. Sometimes it's better to help people.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 15/12/2017 09:56

crunchy my brother didn't accept that he was alcoholic when he arrived at my Mother's house. It took a year for him to sort his head out even enough to get help.

For all that time he was very tricky...not good company at all. My Mother didn't give up on him though. He's fine now.

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/12/2017 09:59

Sometimes it's better to help people.

And sometimes the best way to help someone is to not help them, to not give them that they want.

Tough love is needed here, as he wont face up to his alcohol problem until he gets consequences, in this case being kicked out of his mates house and not being able to move to his dads.

HeckyPeck · 15/12/2017 09:59

YANBU

Layla8 · 15/12/2017 10:00

YANBU. He will probably promise anything, but highly unlikely he’ll stop drinking. Your family life will be devastated by living with an alcoholic.

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/12/2017 10:01

And I wonder if your brother would have sorted himself out quicker without your mother enabling him......

crunchymint · 15/12/2017 10:02

But surely it depends on why someone is an alcoholic? Support after your wife left you is a real tangible situation where someone needs support.
The man OP is talking about is a functional alcoholic. They are usually much harder to help. I worked with a man who was a functional alcoholic. The GP and a consultant told him he would die young if he didn't stop drinking and started eating. It made no difference at all.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 15/12/2017 10:03

Kipper highly doubtful as he was very sick. He'd probably have died within a year.

JingsMahBucket · 15/12/2017 10:17

Hear hear, @crunchymint. It would be one thing if this happened 3 years ago when he and his long term GF originally split up, but now he's (vaguely) functioning. The behaviour could have been caught then but it wasn't.

The wheels may be about to come off but he may not accept it just yet. Some people have to hit rock bottom before they learn. The trouble is the OP and her DH don't know how far low the DSS' rock bottom is. He could really drag everyone else down with him before he wises up.

FluffyNinja · 15/12/2017 10:35

No, don't try to enable a functioning alcoholic.
He needs to admit he's got a problem with alcohol first and then you can help by checking out treatment options.
Giving him a home just prolongs the situation for him and will make your life a misery.

crunchymint · 15/12/2017 10:59

Also he is working full time. He will be able to rent somewhere else.

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