To ask for your tips to get over my silly jealousy?

[blankname]

Potentially outing so changed a few details.

I'm an only child, NC with my father, but always been extremely close to my mum. After many years alone, my mum has met a lovely widower and has moved away to live with him. I miss her lots, miss being able to just pop in and see her, and since she moved our relationship has definitely become more distant.

She has become very close to the widower's children, who are lovely but are very different people to me. They are outgoing and bubbly, I am quite awkward and shy.

I feel like such a spare part at family outings, and always feel like I'm there because I have to be, not because they want me there. They all love my mum and have accepted her as a type of surrogate mum. This feeling of being an outsider has been exacerbated a little by my mum telling me the details of their mutual wills, and it is clear that her husband has structured his to ensure that I get nothing at all of his if he dies first. I know that all this is totally reasonable, but I just feel so sad, left out and alone.

Does anyone have some advice for dealing with this jealousy over my mum's "new family". I never expected to feel this silly as an adult! And I know IABU.

Have you spoke to your mum and told her how your feeling?
Maybe she feels like your fine with it all of you haven't told her you feel like you have become distant and you wish you and her could spend more time together.

Maybe you could try inviting her and her new partner out for lunch or something and then make it a regular thing

Aw bless you! Could you invite your mum to yours for a long weekend or go away together on a mini break just the two of you? Groupon and wowcher have good 2 night breaks.

Are you in a relationship or have kids OP? I would imagine you mum moving away when you were so close would have felt awful. Do you have a good supply of friends or extended family to spend time with? I agree that it must be awkward when you all gather for special occassions. Do you get on with her partners children? If so and given time you could come to see them as siblings?

Has your mum structured her will to make sure they don't benefit?

Thanks for the replies. I get on with the (adult) children fine in one on one situations, but in big gatherings I am obviously very much on the outside as they have their in jokes, shared experiences growing up etc. It would definitely be easier to build a bond if we all lived closer, but they are all at least an hour from where I live.

I have spoken to my mum about it once and she was upset but I don't want her to feel bad about it, and I'm not sure what I really want her to do about it! They all have a "family" WhatsApp group which I'm not part of which does sting a bit too.

We do try to see my mum and her partner alone but then I find out that her partner then insists on seeing "his family" the next weekend so it's fair.

I do have a boyfriend and a child so I'm not totally alone. If it's relevant, my child also gets quite jealous as the step-grandchildren all call my mum Nanny, and she does see more of them than of my DC.

The thing is you haven’t spent as much time with them or her partner for them to consider you ‘surrogate family’ or to put you in the will or group chats. It’s not mean, it’s just factual. You’re all adults and met during adulthood so it’s different then growing up with step family - they’re not maliciously/purposely leaving you out

I know you’re feeling left out & like an outsider but it’s genuinely because they spend more time with your mother than you. (They live near her?) They might not even know that you feel this way as shyness can come across as distant /uncaring. They may not think you’re hurt over their closeness to your mum as you have your own family yourself

I guess what I’m trying to say is if you want to get closer to them you need to make the effort in being more sociable and spending more time with them yourself. Otherwise try not to dwell on it as it’s logical that they won’t have you in the group chat etc as you’re not really close at this moment in time. I think your mother could help on her end too - a lot of this stems from her, like spending time with their grandchildren over your child. She’s building the resentment as you feel like she favours them over you

YANBU. Very thoughtless for you not to be included in the family WhatsApp group. That would be a good way to get to know them all better and feel less shy and more involved when you’re together too. Can you talk to your mum and ask to be added to the group and included more generally?