I want to buy the Santa presents

[PeppaTheFirst]

Feel terrible for posting this. My lovely mum informed me today she has a couple of Santa presents in addition to the normal presents from Gran and Grandad. I have said just to give presents from her and my dad so dd can thank them properly, but to be honest I just want to do the Santa presents for dd. Then remembered a thread about not dictating how others give their presents and now wondering if I am being unreasonable. Mum typically goes overboard with presents (have had to have a chat with her before about large gifts outwith birthday and Christmas as worried dd (4) was going to get spoiled and expect stuff, and felt that any treat I wanted to buy occasionally e.g chocs/cbeebies magazines wouldn't be appreciated because she had bought a toy (I'm talking £15-£30 as opposed to a small £2 thing) as a weekend treat. Last few years she has added to the stocking I have prepared and gives what I would consider a 'main Santa style present' from Granny and Grandad such as pony castle, dolls house etc as well as other normal 'grandparent' presents, but this is the first time she has done gifts that she actually wants to give from Santa. She is not trying to outdo me before anyone posts this. We get on really well and she is a great support, see my parents most days, but she can be overpowering at times. DD is only grandchild and I am a single mum (in every sense). I know she is doing it out of love (for both of us) but I just feel I need her to back off with huge presents and let me provide these things as the mum. Am I being really ungrateful? Love Christmas and love mum but feel this is too much.

You aren't being ungrateful. I think you just want to do your own traditions.

My parents always have a sack of presents from Santa at theirs for all the grandchildren (there are a lot of them!). It doesn't bother me at all. Mine are older now and know the presents aren't really from Santa but still play along. My mum gets over excited at Christmas and I would hate to be the one telling her to stop it.

Sorry I think YABU

To put it delicately, YAB(a bit)U.

Your DD will see all presents from ‘Santa’ as just that. No credit for you or whoever buys them.

Your DM is being nice. Because of the above credit to Santa she’s not even stealing your thunder one little bit.

Let her treat your DD and indulge in the magic that really doesn’t last long.

I understand your urge to do things yourself, but by doing so you spoil it for your Mum and literally nothing changes for you me DD.

FWIW Santa always visited Nannas house too when my DD was little. Double the fun and now the belief is gone it’s great to have those memories.

I see both sides of it. Yes it's nice your DD gets more magic and presents and your mum gets to take part in it. But also it's something traditionally parents get to do and she's already done that.
It's all about what makes you happy as no doubt she'll give the presents no matter what. But you shouldn't feel guilty asking her not to do Santa as it's something special to you.
Just explain to her how you feel and take it from there.

I really don't want to be that person... but I'm going to be because I think it's important.

I lost my mum the year before I got pregnant. My boys will never meet her and she will never get to spoil them with presents. She would have absolutely loved doing so, so I would try to take some joy in it. The only GP they have has met them twice in over a year and I'm not expecting much from them.

No one will get the credit for these gifts so what's the harm? I think it's quite a lovely and selfless thing to do. If I could magic up my mum for Christmas I'd let her do whatever makes her happy (within reason!).

If you think the issue is that your daughter will have too many gifts then that's a separate conversation - but if the only issue is that you want to be the person who buys the anonymous gifts, I think YABU

It depends on how your mum wants to phrase her Santa gift. If it's a handing it over with tag saying Santa on, then YABU.

If she wishes to gush 'look what Santa left for you at my house then yanbu as it is stealing your Santa fun.

FWIW pil have always written 'from Santa' on their gifts for the children but have never made a big deal of it and we've always ensured (nicely) that the children know they are their grandparents gifts. It's just a bit of humour for us all that they write Santa.

Only you can know whether your mum is doing this for fun or being more controlling about Xmas. Maybe change how you do your gift giving. In our house Santa fills stockings and brings just one present from the Santa list. This is never something particularly huge as I'm damned if the big red fairy tale is going to take credit for what we've worked hard to get. But it will be something they will treasure. Eg dd1 has previously had a musical jewellery box. Ds1 has had a toy train he really wanted. Ds2 this year is getting a particular small Lego set.

Thanks for replies. I have been on own since dd was baby after years of DA. Naturally a passive person and tend to be a people pleaser but have just started to regain my confidence after 5 years on my own and think I am possibly over-sensitive to anything that I now feel is taking control away from me. Just needed some perspective. Part of me does feel my mum got to do this with her children and I am not getting the chance to do this for mine when she will be my only child On reflection though think I am being bit silly. Will call my mum and and apologise for being a bit weird about this.

TammySwansonTwo so sorry about your mum and hope you have a lovely Christmas with your boys.x

Thanks Peppa - I do totally understand what you're saying about feeling the need to take control. One of my boys has a serious illness and I find I get a bit over zealous with the things I can control.

I don't think you need to apologise to your mum necessarily - maybe just sit down and have a cup of tea and talk about why you reacted that way and what you're feeling. I'm sure you can figure it out between you if you communicate about it. And give her an extra big hug for being such a loving GM - think of it this way, your DD is so lucky to have so many people that love her that they're arguing about who gets to buy her big presents! That's actually really lovely when you think about it. Very lucky girl :)

I think your Mum probably thinks she’s helping you out by taking a bit of the financial strain off at Christmas & also she wants her only Grandchild to have lots of Christmas presents. Your Dd won’t kniw who bought them & you can both get pleasure from seeing her open & enjoy them

What lovely posts on this thread. You sound lovely OP and talking it through sounds like it will be the best thing for you and your mum, hope you all have a lovely Christmas.

I think it's fine to say that you don't want your mum to add 'Santa' presents on to presents from her and your dad. I think otherwise this may be a way for your mum to go overboard again. It sounds like she really loves giving presents (which is lovely) but perhaps doesn't know when to stop. Maybe compensating for your dd not having a father in her life (am I right in assuming no other grandparents either?).

Maybe there is another way she can treat you both? A trip to a pantomime or Christmas ballet perhaps?

I think the weekly treat toys of up to £30 is very OTT. I wouldn't have wanted that for mine.

OP can you get your DM to channel some of her desire to give into opening a bank account foe your DD? When she feels the urge to buy she can add to the account for when DD goes to uni or wants to buy a car etc.

I remember my kid sayimg “isnt it good Father Christmas brought all this so you don’t have to pay for it”. Let her do it. Father Christmas is a fantasy that they grow out of soon enough you. As the kids age they learn you fund the gifts and within your budget and cloth is cut. Having the dolls house or pony stable honestly doesn’t set a precedent.

She does love giving presents and I think there is an element of overcompensating for lack of father, which I admit I am guilty of myself. We do actually see dd's other granmother and aunts on a fairly regulary basis as they don't live far - all quite civil and normal Christmas present/card exchanges take place - I make sure dd reciprocates so the idea is on the giving. We just manage this arrangement between ourselves and her 'dad' is not in the equation at all. She is my mum's only grandchild though and so all the love is piled on!!! The toys weren't a weekly treat (I would have been having kittens!) but we went through a phase of several months of every couple of weeks, which surprised me as parents are not wealthy by any means, but think this was again just an overcompensation thing. Feel much better - I am overworrying!

No I don't think yabu. My mil used to want to go ott with presents, like hundreds on outdoor swings & slide when we were buying some Happy Land stuff from elc. That's actually probably really dating- dd1 is16,anyway, we explained as parents, just as they would have done back in the day with dh, it was up to us to spend the most and do the Santa presents. Can't say she totally got it but she did temper things down a bit

Oh that's great that your dd connects with the other side of her family :) My best presents growing up were from my mum's parents. They always gave us one big present and it was always pretty special (we didn't do Santa so no issues for us there!). I think getting children to give presents too is really important, and something they really enjoy too. Sounds like you'll all have a lovely Christmas :)

Start a pension for your daughter and ask your mum to add to it when she get the urge for presents. It'll be amazing for your girl to find she already has a substantial amount saved when she starts earning, and will bring her security in later life. That way your parents can make a really valuable gift to their GD as well as the fun outings and toys now.

I think she is being unresonable and you were right to pull her up on it. I am the gm in this situation and could afford to buy my gd lots but l leave that to her parents. We buy little things and keep some stuff here to play with when she comes. Could your dm keep stuff at her house? Or could she pay for dd to have dance lessons or swimming classes? Saving account is also a good idea. I notice my gds other grandma keeps presents reasonable as well. Thats what gps should do l think.