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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my ex to pay for a babysitter when he can’t do “his” weekend

47 replies

Wishingandwaiting · 14/12/2017 21:39

I get on well with my ex. We separated 15 months ago. Divorced 6 months ago.

The children live with me. My ex has the children every other weekend (Saturday am to Sunday mid afternoon). Those weekends are SO important to me as I catch up on housework and general life admin.

He has gone on holiday for two weeks, one covering “his” weekend.

I’m so behind with housework and Christmas bits and pieces. Would it be unreasonable to ask him to stump up cost of sitter for a few hours so i can get my head down?

OP posts:

Laineymc7 · 14/12/2017 22:12

Just ask him if he can have his kids for a day or a couple of hours the next weekend so you can catch up. They have a dad too so shouldn't need a baby sitter.

pigeondujour · 14/12/2017 22:14

Maybe his mum could help him out and DC could sleepover with her on his weekend?

Why just his mum, out of interest?

And no, you wouldn't be unreasonable. I think that's the better option for the kids than swapping and being away from their 'usual' home two weekends in a row, if you can avoid it.

pigeondujour · 14/12/2017 22:16

Where's OP said she's a SAHM?

MummyUber · 14/12/2017 22:18

Get him to take on an extra weekend and get that in the diary the moment he pulls out of his weekend away. It's exhausting parenting on your own. I've never done it, but I am in awe of the women I know who do it (don't know any men). You need a break, otherwise it is relentless and would have done my head in when mine were young. So ensure he does an extra 30 hours back-to-back somewhere along the line. He needs to be aware that you are covering his childcare duties for free. And sorry to those who don't see it that way, but some of us need a break from our kids from time to time.

Mxyzptlk · 14/12/2017 22:18

Why not ask and give the reasons? If he's a reasonable guy he should get it. If he acts grumpy about it, then back down if you want.
He should be thinking about how to make up the time to you and to his dcs anyway. Is he not doing that?

("As it's a holiday"? You mean it's okay for him to book a holiday any time he likes without checking with OP? Does she get to do that too, leaving the kids with him?)

YellowMakesMeSmile · 14/12/2017 22:22

Where's OP said she's a SAHM?

There was a recent thread re earnings where she stated what the ex earned and that she was a SAHM.

HouseworkIsAPain · 14/12/2017 22:22

Some very sanctimonious responses on this thread!

OP I'm a single parent and whilst I cherish my time with the DC, I also need to get shit done and it's not easy when wrangling two children and work.

I see nothing wrong with asking him for paying for babysitting - so long as he isn't going to turn it round on you if or when you need extra help. A better way might be to get him to do n extra weekend when he is back.

TinselAngel · 14/12/2017 22:28

I always insist on a swap.

Fitbitironic · 14/12/2017 22:29

Why can't you do the house work and presents when they are at school or in bed? You can't be that behind on housework surely as a SAHM?
And yet again with the sahm bashing. A recurring theme for you yellow, I note.
I think you're missing the point rather, that it's a bit difficult to rummage around in the loft uninterrupted (for eg) when young DC are with you 24/7. Give OP a break! Even if she is a sahm she deserves some downtime in the evening, rather than catching up on admin, present wrapping etc. And don't start with the 'ppl who work have to do it in the evening's stuff, I know, been there, done that. A lot of those ppl have a partner to share the load. Hats off to all those lone parents who have to do it all, it's a tough job, you def deserve DC free time, and it's crap that ex has put you in this position. YANBU, but I doubt he'd stump up the money.

Viviennemary · 14/12/2017 22:31

I do understand what you mean and this is such a busy time of year. He doesn't have the DC's very often so yes in your case I think it would be OK to ask him to pay for a babysitter.

HouseworkIsAPain · 14/12/2017 22:34

OP are your DC at nursery/school or broken up for holidays? If at school, can you get stuff done while they are there?

I had a bit of a reaction finding out you are a sahm of school age children and need time to yourself to get stuff done. I suspect your ex might think the same, even whilst I think he should contribute more to looking after the DC.

pigeondujour · 14/12/2017 22:39

I can't see that thread but I can see one where you say what he earns, in which case he would want to be very very embarrassed if he thought about quibbling over the cost of a few hours babysitting. Especially given how little he has them as it is.

Original poster

Wishingandwaiting · 14/12/2017 22:41

It’s tough to go on mumsnet and post a thread without giving the entire back story

Yes I’m a sahm but very limited time atm for various very personal and sad reasons. I don’t go in to it on mumsnet because it’s fairly identifying. This situation adds to my need for a few hours to sort some serious admin stuff.

OP posts:

Mrscaindingle · 14/12/2017 22:42

I just cannot believe some of the responses here, it seems as though being the de facto parent (ie the mother) you not only have to suck it up being the lone parent but you have to bloody enjoy at all times too.

I think you need to ask your ex to do a bit more parenting of his own children, can he not take them Friday night to Sunday? Most arrangements are also one night a week, although my ex lives too far away for this to be practical. You have my sympathies op, I have an ex who does precious little with his DC and I have never been able to get him to do more, he agrees to it but then something always 'comes up' it is infruraiting.

andylovesme · 14/12/2017 22:43

You definitely can ask him. May be he might refuse but no harm trying.

Allthewaves · 14/12/2017 22:49

Just ask him to do two weekends in a row. Perhaps you might want a holiday at some point and he can have them for two weeks

Loverunandwine · 14/12/2017 22:51

Sooo frustrating for you but amazing you have such a good relationship with him, therefore I wouldn’t raise it!

newnamechange84 · 14/12/2017 23:16

Firstly, why is he only having them two nights a month? My ex has my kids two nights every fortnight. His weekend do he should arrange his childcare! However my ex did the same recently and it does seem to land on you every single time. They just don't think about the fact that they also have a responsibility!

RadioGaGoo · 15/12/2017 09:11

Are you not coping in your life Yellow? Is that why you project?

Blackteadrinker77 · 15/12/2017 09:18

Just want to send you a hug. This time of year is tough on anyone let alone having two little ones without family support.

My DD has 1 child and we are on speed dial for shopping/sleep/running hoover round/insert anything else needed

Could he have them 2 days as soon as he gets back to catch up his time?

SD1978 · 15/12/2017 09:29

If you had an out of home work commitment, or even a full day, can not be disturbed work from home job, then yes. In this case. No- I think YABU. He should have thought better regarding his holidays, but a part form having the kids under feet, you won’t financially suffer by doing this. I wouldn’t want to cause that level of anomosity in a previous successful co parenting relationship.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 15/12/2017 09:44

Willing to bet that some of the early posters have support like partners, grandparents ...

The kids are 4 and 7 so some Christmas tasks need to be done without the kids hearing/seeing mum going up into the loft.

My ex has 2 out of 3 kids 1 night a fortnight. I enjoy my alone time - it doesn't mean that I don't love my kids. 😡 It's brilliant to be off parenting duties for 24 hours.

Next time your ex does this, offer him the weekend before and after he goes. (Swap a weekend) Did he give you notice about this holiday? This time of year is when you realistically could have been going to an adult get-together during your timeoff.

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