First Christmas after STBEXH left

[Fabulousdahlink]

8 months ago he left. Things are ok and rage etc spent. I have my children for one week of the hols from xmas to new year.
I"ve moved furniture etc around. Used the old tree but with some new decs they helped me buy. I've provided cash for kids to buy token gift for him( as neither have pocket money from me). I have been in communication about gifts etc to avoid multiplication.
I know some parts of xmas will be much better this year ( no hungover dad yelling for kids not to open gifts etc, no having to drive so he can drink etc and a much happier cosy atmosphere) I'd like to know what other mums did on that 1st year the family was parted and any hints/tips.
I've booked panto and trips out so theres not too much time to sit and dwell, and creating new traditions whilst retaining the best of the ones from the past.
So, what worked for everyone else?

Not sure I can help as your kids sound older, but first xmas post separation I insisted on having my 2yo and we had a lovely time with my parents, but so expect yo share xmas with dad at some point and check out the latest gingerbread campaign for advice on how to laur it work when alone

Ha ha ha! Just one more gift to buy for STBXH and COW...Oxfam are promoting their range of charitable'gifts' this christmas. You can actually'gift' a pile of poo! Oh how I'd love to!
www.oxfam.org.uk/shop/oxfam-unwrapped?cid=psc_fb_fr_ou_christmas2017&dclid=CPPwt9ihkdgCFWQC0wodLmQLAg
Happy Christmas to you all!

Oh it was heaven! Maybe because it was my choice to boot him out but as he didn’t pull his weight round the house I thoroughly enjoyed having one less person to cook and clean up after.

Kids and I enjoyed smoked salmon bilinis for brekkie (he would have moaned about the fish so would have had to do something else)

Booked a luuurvely Christmas meal in a gorgeous restaurant (one less person to pay for plus no cooking or washing up for me)

Pre organised times only my family could visit (no having to accommodate in laws or SIL who was a pain up the arse)

Christmas films with the three of us on a big pile of pillows pulled off the sofas in the middle of the floor.

The feeling of freedom and control over the day knowing nobody was going to be moaning, whingeing or creating more cost or work was immense.

I’m happily remarried now but would have been perfectly happy enjoying life as a lone parent. I truly loved those years and Christmas Days were always wonderful.

Gutted I didn't see the pile of poo for exh. Genius!

Thank you both for your supportive comments. I keep saying'it's going to be a great christmas'... because it will be free of negativity, and full of love and joy and food!
Tonight we are building a gingerbread village for christmas day and'doing' the radio Times with highlighters.

I found it really hard tbh, but Ex very much instigated the break up.

The worst bit was watching the stuff on telly we'd normally watch together. Like the Gavin & Stacy Xmas special.

It's lovely you're making new traditions for your new life. I think the new deccies is a fab idea. My ex was never around as he worked Christmas so we could eat when we wanted and see my family instead of always going to his. :)

I always got my DC involved in the build up to Xmas
Helping with food shopping, food prep including baking, making homemade sweets etc
Used to always do a few craft kits like making own crackers or a nativity set
One year we went out collecting twigs and pine cones then had fun painting them silver gold red and white and making decorations out of them
As age appropriate I got them to help with Christmas cleaning but made a game of it
Going late night Xmas shopping to see the lights and having hot chocolate in a posh cafe

Helping write and deliver cards locally
Carol service or christingle in church
Clearing out toy boxes and giving good condition unwanted items to charity
On Xmas eve we used to have a quiz or a treasure hunt
Playing lots of board games
I think we managed to make lots of new traditions......

Oh yes and Christmas treat making. Baking chocolate goodies, icing stuff, make your own gingerbread house with added sweets. There is so much fun to be had when you cut the dead weight out your life.
I know it’s easy to feel sad at this time of year but try to remember there is a reason you are not together. Looking at all the freedom, good times to be had and benefits of being single with kids really helps.

Had a big fight with both teens tonight. Think it was founded in tiredness, hormones and the unspoken feeling about this first christmas from all 3 of us.. I'm hoping it has cleared the air as today things seem quieter but more settled. Now we can just get on with the good bits. Christmas is at ours this year for the first time ever ( stbxh was mean and selfish so always wanted to get drunk and fed off other people and didnt have any part of getting xmas prep done or the joy of hosting others ) I know I am trying to overcompensate. I just have terrible guilt for putting my children through years of his crap and I didnt see a lot.of it.at.the time. It was joyless and before they fly the nest I feel the need to give them the wonderful jchristmas memories to store away. And sadly, selfishly because he never did bother much ( buying the stamps for cards and visiting poundland for the stocking fillers.was.his.limit) but the kids never saw that. I need.them.to know who DID make xmas happen. He has decided.not to drop their gifts off for them to open on xmas morning ( I'd offered skype so he could see them being opened) preferring to make them wait til nye so he can do it then.
In my heart I know they know but I need them to feel it this year. I hate the games my former friend and his COW play but I can say nothing because it makes me look like a bitter bitch. That they will have a cosy couply xmas with no effort and he will make a big effort with her gifts but cant make an effort.with them. They dont see it because they love him. They have been well trained by me to make excuses for his poor efforts over the years.
Well. I've had my vent now. Big girl pants on and getting on with making xmas a good one.
Thankyou for all your great suggestions and ideas. I am packing everything I can in for the three of us and making it quality time. No more negativity..more nativity! Have a great festive time to you all. First everythings. This year are hard. I need to cut myself some slack. Be kinder to myself and stop overthinking it!

It's not unreasonable for the children's dad to want them to open presents from him whilst he's there.
Also you sound a bit mad calling his new partner a cow.
Your kids will probably find Xmas quite sad and difficult. I think the best thing you can do is to avoid any negative comments about their dad or his new partner, try to stay neutral.

Absolutely Fabulous

Happy Christmas and don’t worry, it gets easier and easier. First one will always be the most difficult. But better than being with him I’m sure.

What's a COW? apart from the animal of course!

I think you sound like you are doing a brilliant job, be kind to yourself and there may be a moment you feel sad or the kids do and that's ok- it won't mean you've failed it is just a natural part of dealing with divorce.
I stayed at my mums my first year and it's actually become a lovely new tradition but one of the the things the kids loved most was that she created a menu in a card and sent to them on 23rd from moonpig for Christmas Day breakfast with loads of choices and the kids had to tick what they wanted- literally anything you could think of! It was so thoughtful and they just loved it.

You have TEENs, do what we did, Gifts opened at 1 Min past 12.

Hot Chocolate and Marshmallows Toasted over a candle....
PJ day, even you, have to be new for xmas night and let them get up when they want to next mroning.
So you will have no stress at all on the morning, no rush for them to rise as you sit with all the gifts wrapped.
We cook frozen Sausage rolls, and they are left on the side to be eaten at will.
Dinner is at 3 in the afternoon.
Xmas dinner is a table full of food, eat what you want, and the leftovers are used for a few days, bubble and squeak next day.
Change it all, and give yourself a break, different is much better, it is then your xmas...

Also, it might be worth having a back up plan in case you think "fuck, I just need to get out of the house" if you can visit friends in the eve or even putting together a woodland feast where the kids can go to the park/ woods and hide 'treats'for the wildlife (nuts/ seeds etc) it sort of gives a walk a purpose.

Sorry just saw they were teens- I have no advice now 😂

FFS give op a break will you? This is her first Christmas without her ex who is cosying up to a new woman. That shit hurts no matter how a relationship ends.

She’s called the woman a cow on an anonymous forum. Hardly insult of the century. Let her vent and have some damn compassion.

Show him your happy, glad he is gone.
A happy ex is not what he is expecting.
Never argue with him, just shrug and say Ok.
He won't change his spots, and very soon the new replacement will find she has the same stuff off him you had.

Wishing you a wonderful Christmas op.

And yes, give op a break!

I thought op was using COW as Current Other Woman? Which just serendiptitously spells cow? But if not, in fairness, if you have just had a difficult breakup and there is another woman in the picture surely anyone should be allowed a few epithets?

OP you just have the Christmas you want and clearly deserve. Don't worry about his situation. You have your kids with you and they will know deep down that excuses have been made to cover the Ex's inadequacies. Even if they don't now, they soon will as he won't have you to cover for him. Just be their ever loving and supportive Mum adn they will have everything they need!

Have a great Christmas and focus on your new life!

I split from my Ex H in the January, but the first year was still hard.
He has the kids on Xmas day the first year and I had them Christmas Eve and Christmas morning.

I think it's hard because you can't help but remember Christmases before; even though mine were tainted by his dislike of Christmas.

The first year I was sobbing in town on boxing Day, watching families shopping - but we were not that kinda family anyway!!!

3 years on, things are easier, we are our own family now and life is must happier with the passive aggression and constant arguments

I hope you and your children have a lovely Christmas

Thanks all. COW does stand for Current Other Woman. I could say 'my former friend of 25 years who was there the day I went into labour with our first child' or' the person who decided that it was ok to start a relationship.with a friends husband and that was OK despite still emailing the same friend and supporting her in her difficult marriage to.same man."

I wouldnt call her a Cow.( I like cows) I wouldnt call her anything. She isnt anything in my life. My children will call her step mum one day I guess.

Thankyou for your good ideas. I still do think making your kids wait til New Years Eve to get your gifts is mean.They are in their early teens but it still seems wrong. I'd send my gifts so they could be opened on Xmas morning- but that's just me. It's about them, not about me. I suppose we will see if that's still the case the years they choose to go there for Xmas. I think that might just break my heart, but it is their choice.

I am truely glad she has his company now as he wasnt kind, honest or faithful. I dont.need.that in my life. I'm only sorry the divorce cant come any quicker.

I truely am looking forward..I suppose.the holiday season is all nostalgia-
Dropping pressies etc at friends it is hard to see those happy family units still going strong without a twinge of regret...but in all honesty..we are happier and better off on our own without him. I dont need to hate him or slag him off in front of them...they know what he chose to do, how he prioritises his life and all of his shortcomings. He shows all that himself, no help from me needed!

I am determined to have a great time and to be happy. I'm anticipating some sad wobbly times but mostly lots of fun and laughter and memory making to help us through the tough times.

I think an escape.plan/ fresh air walk is a great idea too. Definitely taking that suggestion.

Night all. Your posts have helped.

Update.
Eldest has the norovirus. Packing dd off to Grannies for xmas with all the treats and food.panto tickets etc all a big waste of money. FML. Sigh.
From wonderful and positive memory creation to being isolated with one sick teen having a non xmas and a further seperated family on Xmas day and Boxing day ( I was supposed to be hosting). I have already wept buckets but what's the point?