How honest to be with friend about her new blog?

[chandlersfraud]

So a friend/acquaintance I've met through school has started a blog. We're friends on fb so I see the posts that way.

I can't decide whether or not it would be helpful to be a bit honest with her about it.

Thing is, I don't really like reading it.
What shines through is that she is so down on herself and not at peace with who she is. It's quite negative. The harshness with which she judges herself makes me feel she must be judging me and reading it is not good for my confidence.
She also has a skewed view of things - eg. She talks about how she's sure the mums at school must think she's the gran picking up (not true st all) and says she looks around at all the 20 and 30 something mums at the school gate who are naturally beautiful, slim & fit. Now we're at the same school gate and I don't know any mums in their 20s! I am very far from slim. A good few of the other mums are in their early to mid 40s like this person and I think she looks great - id love her figure.

It's sort of annoying and sad at the same time as I think she really does believe this stuff which is factually incorrect! It's like she thinks she's got/had it worse than anyone else and I think that's probably a barrier to friendships developing.

Another example was talking about baby groups and how they breathed a sigh of relief when she and her daughter left because her daughter cried. I wasn't there but I'm sure they weren't thinking that!
She also describes her family as 'poor' which grates a little because I don't know their whole situation but I'm quite sure there's many many people worse off.

Anyway. We haven't known each other that long and she is shy (mentioned a lot in her blog that she struggles socially).

Would it be helpful for me to (kindly as possible) comment that she is down on herself/challenge some of the way she's seeing things? Or just leave it and stop reading?

It's frustrating because I think she could potentially be a lot happier if she reframed some of the things she thinks about herself and her circumstances.

Unless she asked for your honest opinion then I would just keep it to yourself :)

As I say though, reading it has made me wonder how she sees me since she's so picky and down on her own appearance, what must she think of me who is the opposite of well groomed!

I think this is very unlikely. I have anxiety and I feel very down about myself (but I don't write a blog about it!). I am very self-critical and can't see much good. I 100% do not do this in relation to other people. I would be quite gutted if people didn't want to be my friend because of how I felt about myself. Not everyone is naturally confident.

Yep I’d stick the blog on hide & probably avoid her. I can’t stand that sort of negativity.
People are either radiators or drains. She sounds like a massive drain.

And this is part of the reason why people are not comfortable talking about MH issues. I have had people said similar to me about not being able to stand negativity (when talking about other people but unaware that I have anxiety and depression most of the time). I find that comments like that always has a positive uplifting effect on me

Could she be playing to the crowd as it were? Making things sound worse than they are deliberately to attract a certain type of audience for her blog?

As someone with a terrible self-loathing streak and self-esteem in the toilet, I can almost guarantee you that she's not thinking badly of you. I hate my body (whether I'm a size 10 or like now a 14-16 with a twin mum tum) but I think friends of mine who are objectively bigger than I am look fantastic. I am a massive perfectionist and think everything I do is not good enough, but I always think those around me are doing an amazing job. I keep all this to myself though, as no one really wants to hear me slagging myself off!

Just because she's hard on herself, doesn't mean she's being hard on you. She has just lost her objectivity.

Oh god, here come the followers of the cult of positivity - "i just need to fill my life with positivity". Ugh.

Personally, when I have friends as I ask them how they are, I want them to tell me the truth. When something bad happens or they're sick or they need help, I want them to feel they can call me because I will support them. Most people's lives are not full of positivity, so I don't expect people to be exclusively positive. Fair-weather friends really aren't friends. And when something shitty happens in your life, watch all your positive mates disappear because they don't want to hear about it.

Reflexella You sound horrible. Let's hope neither you nor any of your relatives or close friends get a mental health problem. You don't sound like you'd be sympathetic at all. It's people like you who have helped caused the major mental health crisis in this country.

No, it wouldn't be helpful. Two words spring to mind here: circus, monkeys...Leave well alone.

If I were in your shoes I think I'd send one message something like 'Hey, I checked out your blog. Your writing is really good but some of the content had me wondering why you're so down on yourself. I think you look absolutely great and that you shouldn't judge yourself so harshly. I've done that from time to time but now I've made an active effort to stop and I feel so much better. I also find it easier to form friendships and relationships now, too. Anyway, all the best with your blog and have a lovely Christmas and New Year.'

Then if she initiated friendship with me and had good boundaries and not too much negativity, I would agree to meet up. If she was constantly negative I'd always be friendly and nice but not stick around any longer than necessary. Might just be nice for her to know there's someone who 'approves' of her.

Do and say nothing. She is doing the blog for her own reasons and may think it is a fabulous success. Stop reading it.

I actually think it would be kind to mention something to her. Not criticism - it sounds like she's really unhappy - but something gentle like 'You sound quite down in your blog; I hope things seem easier soon'. If she's struggling she may not be judging very well how she comes across and might be grateful to know how readers perceive her. If she opens up or confirms that she's depressed you could ask whether she's sure that blogging is the right thing for her now, as it's very exposing and makes the author quite vulnerable to misinterpretation or gossip.

If she was s close friend I'd talk to her, but she's not and you don't want her to be. Stop reading it, just be polite and friendly when you see her and leave it at that.

As I say though, reading it has made me wonder how she sees me since she's so picky and down on her own appearance, what must she think of me who is the opposite of well groomed

None of this is about you.

She isn't looking at, and judging, you. She's judging herself. If she feels that badly about herself and sees herself that badly, then your imperfections won't even have registered on her radar. Her blog is about herself and not you.

You already know how she describes the mums at the school gates and you don't recognise the other mums in that.

This isn't about you and you are choosing to make it about you if you dwell on how it makes you feel about yourself.

"If she was s close friend I'd talk to her, but she's not and you don't want her to be"

Just for the record I don't think I've said I don't want to be close friends with her. She seems really nice and I thought we might become good friends when we first met but it hasn't really developed. And as I said upthread maybe I should invite her for coffee.

Interesting to hear the perspectives of those with anxiety/low self esteem and how feeling down on themselves doesn't necessarily translate to how you view others, thank you.