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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to eat my DMs cooking

49 replies

Sidhe79 · 14/12/2017 15:01

Basically, my Mum cannot cook. She microwaves everything, and disregards use by and best before dates. My sister has just messaged me to say that Mum is cooking what we refer to as one of our specialities for dinner, which is chicken that she's defrosted in the microwave, left to sit on the counter while she's out, then cooked in the microwave before pouring a jar of (unheated) curry sauce over it.

I've grown up to be what most people would call a picky eater. I'm getting braver with the foods I will try, but have realised in recent years that several of the foods I thought I didn't like actually just aren't supposed to taste the way they do when my Mum cooks them!

The problem is that I'm about to spend two weeks at my parent's house over Christmas. They live in a different country, so it's costing quite a lot to get there, but I don't mind that too much because it is Christmas. However I also suffer from anxiety, and can already feel the dread setting in at the thought of dealing with Mum's cooking (what if I can’t eat it, what if I get sick, what if she gets upset etc). If it was one meal, or for a weekend, I'd eat what I could and have a bigger meal when I got home, or squirrel away a packet of biscuits so that I didn't go hungry, but I can't do that for two weeks.

We've tried offering to cook, or help with the cooking, but she no longer allows this. We've tried suggesting that we go out for a meal, or order take-away (which we'd pay for), but she doesn't want to do that because, as she sees it, there is perfectly good food at home. We know that catering for us is at least partly her way of showing that she cares, and something she feels she can still do for her grown up children, but it also stresses her out, and she gets annoyed and upset if we aren't tremendously grateful for her efforts.

Any suggestions as to how to deal with this? I don't want to upset my Mum, particularly over Christmas. My sister also has two small children and doesn’t want to risk them getting poorly if they’re eating out of date food.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sidhe79 · 14/12/2017 15:43

Foreverunsure - yes, I agree. Think maybe it needs saying before the first meal and then we have time to get over it and enjoy Christmas

PinkHeart5194 - oh she knows how, and if she didn't we've shown her several times, she just thinks it's easier to microwave it and somehow can't taste the difference. She's always trying to lose weight, so doesn't like the idea of having to add oil, which I think is part of it.

Tinselistacky - love your post!

crackerjacket - it's certainly an achievement, although I think glueandstick beat it

OP posts:

whiskyowl · 14/12/2017 15:45

Oh you poor thing!

The thing is, it's not acceptable to put other people's health and wellbeing at risk with undercooked foods.

The assertive thing to do is to have the conversation with her, where you say "Mum, I love you, I know you love me, but I'm not eating chicken cooked like that" - and try to keep it good humoured.

The easy thing to do is to fake some kind of illness (post-GI complications?) that means you must have food that is extremely hygienic, and then insist on cooking it yourself with a breezy "I can't take any risks".

Lovemusic33 · 14/12/2017 15:47

Get her a healthy cook book for Christmas, I think there’s one out that only uses a maximum of 5 ingrgediants? Possibly by Jamie Oliver?

Maybe take some of your own food with you? Say your on a special diet?

NooNooHead · 14/12/2017 15:47

I have to suffer my MIL’s awful food and it sometimes irritates the hell out of me, but thankfully eating is a rare occurrence. Luckily my DM is a fantastic cook and I love love love eating her food... just thinking about her roast chicken is making M.D. hungry!

I do think that being brought up with a parent who can’t really cook might make you more likely to be a fussy eater - my DH used to be v fussy before he met me and I changed his ways! I’m sure it must have had something to do with his DM’s cooking skills...

NooNooHead · 14/12/2017 15:48

*me not MD! Damn you, autocorrect!

user1479335914 · 14/12/2017 15:49

BlackTeaDrinker 77 has a great idea. Your DM knows she cannot cook/does not like cooking. Just be assertive in a kind way, as though it is a family joke that she cannot cook (laughing with her not at her), and you and your sister can gang up to take the responsibility from her.
Your DM will actually enjoy eating the food more too.

Lovemusic33 · 14/12/2017 15:49

My step mums cooking is pretty awful, she doesn’t cook enough and what she does cook is tasteless, we often eat before we go over for a meal, my kids refuse to eat most of her food, one Christmas dd1 brought sandwiches with her ( she was only 9 ). I’m doing all I can to avoid a invite this year.

Laiste · 14/12/2017 15:53

Well you've got 3 choices OP:

go and eat her food.
go and tell her you wont eat the food (and suggest whatever).
don't go.

To be quite blunt she doesn't sound that lovely so i'd be doing number 3. Emotionally blackmailing your kids and flouncing about over being told you can't cook isn't for me.

Original poster

Sidhe79 · 14/12/2017 15:55

Whiskyowl - one of my friends has just suggested that we take the fuse out of the microwave so that it doesn't work, which I like, but you're right, and I think the assertive way is the adult thing to do.

OP posts:

Jaxhog · 14/12/2017 15:58

Now's the time to be 'on a restricted diet'. This means you'll have to prepare and cook special food i.e. food she hasn't prepared and cooked.

Bluetrews25 · 14/12/2017 16:04

Sit her down, with your sister. Hold her hands, big smiles.
'Mum, we know for a lot of people that feeding the family is a way of showing love. And we both love you to the moon and back' Even bigger smiles. 'Some people think that rejecting the food means that you are rejecting the love. We are so not rejecting your love, but we really don't want you to cook for us now. You are going to accept OUR love for you this time, as we will do all the cooking to show how much we care for you. So please don't reject our love, as it's our turn to cook for you, ok?'
Or summat.
She'd have to be a meanie to refuse that offer!, because if she refuses, she is rejecting your love for her, and I suspect she will not do that! Make it a compliment to your relationship with her, not a perceived insult to her skills.

yasmin05 · 14/12/2017 16:04

Yeah, tell her your vegan now and that will surely end any issue regarding her cooking. :)

clairethewitch70 · 14/12/2017 16:06

Tell her that the Christmas present from yourself and your sister, is to let her rest for the time you are there and will share the cooking between you both. If your funds allow, take her food shopping as your contribution towards the cost of you staying.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/12/2017 16:10

Bluetrews
I like your thinking!

RatherBeRiding · 14/12/2017 16:13

I agree that being assertive and upfront at the start of the visit is the way to go. The truth, although often hard to hear, is the adult way to go about things - not pretending you've become a vegan, you're on a special diet, you're recovering from food poisoning blah blah. She is a terrible cook. You hate her food.

Give her the information and let her deal with it. Obviously you'll need to be tactful about her cooking, but the fact is she is a terrible cook to the point that her food is inedible.

Then say you would like to do the cooking during your visit to give her a break from the kitchen AND so that you can all eat the food.

Tantrums, possibly tears, will no doubt ensue but you are all adults and there is no reason to have to eat rubbish food on a 2 week visit.

senzaparole03 · 14/12/2017 16:17

Break the microwave!!

BoredOnMatLeave · 14/12/2017 16:22

Not sure if its been suggested but could you and your sister make it a gift to your mum to do all the cooking for 2 weeks. Let her put her feet up... she insists be like her and say 'ohh dont you like your present ☹'

Reallycantbebothered · 14/12/2017 16:23

Could you and your sister offer to buy some lovely food ( M&S / Waitrose) to take with you with the offer of helping to cook? surely no one can cook cocktail sausages badly

sueelleker · 14/12/2017 16:31

"surely no one can cook cocktail sausages badly"
My Mum's friend could-they were rock hard and swimming in grease. All her food was dreadful-her oldest son ended up living on Pot Noodles.

MyAuntyBadger · 14/12/2017 16:35

I like your friend's idea of taking the fuse out of the microwave. My gran was a really good cook but her kitchen hygiene was shocking (e.g. she once dried the neighbour's dog's filthy wet paws with the tea towel when it called round for some scraps, then carried on drying the dishes with the same tea towel). I would try not to think about it while eating, or the mouse droppings in the cutlery drawer. On the plus side, we have all developed a good immune system.

Fuckoffee · 14/12/2017 16:45

“Who cooks chicken in a microwave?”

My Mum does this too. A while back she came over to babysit and said she’d bring something from m&s to feed them all with. She bought fresh chicken ready meals that needed oven cooking. She microwaved them for 5 mins and fed it to them. Fortunately I hadn’t left the house and saw she was trying to feed raw chicken to my kids. They thankfully refused to eat it anyway as it was in sauce. The one time I was pleased to have picky kids!

I thought I had mild ibs as a kid. I always struggled with an upset stomach and used to apparently pick up every sickness bug around. Once I moved out and started cooking for myself the problems stopped. Maybe it’s just a coincidence...

Her cooking is dodgy at best, often a little bit scary, but her love is immense. It’s a tricky situation. I feel for you OP.

Btw she recently moved and I helped her unpack kitchen stuff. She has loads of tins and packets with 90s dates on. My Dad says he managed to convinced her to throw out anything dated from the 80s, but it was a struggle

MsGameandWatching · 14/12/2017 17:25

My Mum is a microwave queen as well. Cheese on toast; toast done in the toaster, cheese on top, in the microwave to melt. It is, as expected, disgusting. The bread goes all soggy and it’s just a molton yellow mass on the plate.

MyAuntyBadger · 14/12/2017 17:36

I've just remembered visiting a friend a couple of years ago and finding a tin of Mavel in the cupboard while I was looking for sugar. I hadn't seen a tin of Marvel for about thirty odd years so I looked at the date...1983! I also couldn't wrestle the solid bag of sugar from the surface, so I gave the tea a miss.

Saladtongs · 14/12/2017 18:11

Time to buy her a cook book for Christmas!
Can't she follow basic recipes?

I'd deep clean the kitchen as soon as I got there as I have a very delicate constitution.
Then I'd go through the cupboards/fridge and chuck out old food past it's best. Then I'd draw up a cooking rota for the holiday period so the cooking doesn't fall on your mother. I'd then fuss over your mum saying that you don't want all the cooking to fall on her.

Seriously someone should talk to her about her lack of hygiene and health and safety in the kitchen.

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