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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another one about a wedding

14 replies

LushBlitzer · 14/12/2017 11:46

More of a WWYD...

One of my close friends is getting married soon.

For my wedding two years ago she spent £100 on my wedding present. At the time I thought wow so generous, I'll make sure I repay her generosity when it's her turn.

I'm now pregnant with my first child. So the timing isn't great, but I've had enough to save, so it's do-able. She's asking people for cash instead of actual gifts.

But now I'm not so sure I want to be this generous back because she's reacted very negatively to my pregnancy news. She said she wants to be happy for me but she has misgivings. She told me it's not too late to get rid of it.

I don't know why she's reacted this way. I know that she personally doesn't want kids, maybe she's projecting that onto me. Or maybe she's annoyed that it'll somehow impact her wedding.

So how much cash would you give her for the wedding?

So as to not drip feed, other info that might be relevant:
Been friends for over 10 years
Weekday wedding, which means I need to take a day off work. Travel and hotel totals around £250.
She stayed with friends for my wedding so no hotel costs
Before she announced that she wanted cash, I was looking around for gift ideas and found a few really lovely gift ideas... should I keep it cash only now?

OP posts:

OuchBollocks · 14/12/2017 11:48

I.wouldn't be going to the wedding of anyone who tried to get me to abort my loved and wanted baby

Bobbiepin · 14/12/2017 11:50

Totally with @ouchbollocks here. How dare she say that? No matter what that's never ok.

If you insist on going or giving a gift, give whatever you can afford. People who give to receive don't deserve presents.

Original poster

LushBlitzer · 14/12/2017 11:51

Tbh I was a bit thrown, didn't know how to respond and have just left it. I don't understand the negative reaction.

I've already RSVP'ed to say I'll go. Plus a part of me feels that I should 'return' the £100 she spent on me because I knew it was coming and I have saved for it.

If I don't go, I'm sure I'll be made to look bad infront of all the mutual friends, like I'm jealous of her wedding or I'm a cheapskate or something.

OP posts:

OhChill · 14/12/2017 11:51

The gift is not as important as dealing with her weirdness re your pregnancy tbh. I’d probably want to find out more about that before anything else.

I had a friend who just didn’t like children. For years I thought it was a bit of a joke, like “oh god, no kids for me please”, but as time went on, I realised she really disliked them. It wasn’t that she was a little bit uncomfortable around them or that she just didn’t want any herself. She actively hated them. I decided then that she was not someone I wanted to hang out with. Imagine if I said I actively hated people ober 65? Just odd imo.

Could it be something like that?

outofmydepth45 · 14/12/2017 11:53

I doubt you will ever see her once the baby arrives, save your money.

If your going bang £50 in an envelope

Original poster

LushBlitzer · 14/12/2017 11:56

@ OhChill Maybe... I do know she doesn't want kids herself, she's very clear on that.

I've got a mutal friend asking me how much I'm going to give... ignoring the context, how much would normally be expected? I'm not sure how to respond to be honest.

OP posts:

OhChill · 14/12/2017 12:00

I don’t know how much tbh. I’d put in what you can comfortably afford. I’d say that regardless tbh.

Kingsclerelass · 14/12/2017 12:01

To be honest, if you genuinely want to go because you want to be part of it, stick £50 in an envelope, then go and have a good time.

If not, don't go. Say you can't get the day off.

The thing about the baby sounds like someone who is a fair way up the autistic spectrum and doesn't want children herself, just saying the first thing that came into her head. You've known her for a long time. Does she have form for coming out with tactless stuff.

ShottaSheriff · 14/12/2017 12:06

I would generally give £50 for most friends and £100 for close friends. I’d also wouldn’t want to mismatch the generosity shown to me by others. So I don’t think £100 is wildly OTT I this scenario.

The weirdness about the pregnancy is odd, but probably something you should talk through rather than use to measure the value of a wedding gift. Pregnancy and babies can throw up complex emotions in people, and whilst her comments are really bizarre and pretty offensive, if they came from an otherwise loyal and good friend, I’d want to find out why she said them, and I’d probably be a bit worried about her generally.

Justmuddlingalong · 14/12/2017 12:12

What are her misgivings about the pregnancy? I think we need more info, as it seems a bizarre thing to just come out with.

FairfaxAikman · 14/12/2017 12:14

Could it be that she can't have kids and just tells everyone she doesn't want them? That might explain her reaction - jealousy.

Bobbiepin · 14/12/2017 12:20

If you want to be petty get her something nasty but expensive and personalised so she can't return it.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 14/12/2017 12:27

I wouldn't go. I don't want children and don't particularly like them but I wouldn't dream of saying that to someone. I wouldn't even think it!

Original poster

LushBlitzer · 14/12/2017 12:29

@ Justmuddlingalong - I have no idea. She didn't elaborate and I didn't know how to respond so I haven't asked.

@FairfaxAikman - that would make sense if she couldn't have kids. But afaik she's not ever tried to.

Her reaction was a bit out of character tbh and she's not normally insensitive. Maybe it's the stress of the wedding?

OP posts:

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