Expecting too much with a baby?

[Sparklyuggs]

Happy to be told AIBU.

I have a 5 month old and I'm a SAHM- I live abroad and I'm not allowed to work due to visa restrictions (moved for DH's job). Recently I have started to feel frustrated and really miss all the things that I used to do and can't do with a baby. For example go to the theatre or an art class. There's no mum and baby activities here like the baby cinema in London, and we have no family or friends nearby to look after the baby for a few hours.

I can't work out if the frustration I'm feeling is normal or not? I love my baby but I miss feeling like myself; and I haven't felt like myself in months. Could this be PND?

If you think of your baby as your job, then you need to do these classes in the evening or weekend. Does that help at all?

I think it's just part of the adjustment to life with a new baby combined with life as an expat, both of which are huge transitions and most people don't end up doing them at the same time.

I also was in a situation when my dh and I first got married when I couldn't work or do anything really due to visa restrictions. I moved to the UK when we got married, but UK visa restrictions mean that you're banned from working or even getting a driving licence initially. I literally just sat around for 6 months and couldn't do anything. I couldn't even leave the house pretty much on my own as we live very rurally and there is no public transport (and I wasn't allowed to drive). I had to rely on my dh for everything and I knew absolutely no one. It was really hard and I hated it for about the first year or so.

Having a baby is also really hard. Equally we don't have many activities here for mums and babies (again, really rural), but there were a couple classes I was able to go to, which did help. I also made a group of mum friends I could meet for coffee and that helped. But honestly if you're at home and you don't really want to be at home and aren't used to being at home, it's kind of boring. I would just make the most of it and do things (as much as you can) that you would do anyway even if you didn't have a baby and just take baby with you. I didn't do a lot of 'baby activities' with mine when she was little. I just did what I would do anyway. I did the shopping. Took walks, went into town, walked around, went for coffee or lunch, went to the beach, etc. and brought her along.

You may also start to want to ease back into doing things a bit more independently. Could your dh be with her one night a week so you could go take an art class or a yoga class or meet a friend for dinner or just take yourself out for a glass of wine with a book? What about on a Saturday morning or afternoon? Try to carve out a bit of time for yourself during the week. And then think about your long term plans. Will you be a SAHM as long as you are there? Could you eventually work? Could you afford to put your baby in childcare or have a nanny for a few hours when older so you could go do some voluntary work or anything that makes you feel a bit like yourself again, especially if you plan to eventually move home and go back to work? I found even just two mornings a week in nursery (starting when mine was 9 months) and having a few hours to start working again made a huge difference in my state of mind. Even if it's not official legal paid work, doing anything might make you feel a bit better.

Thank you both, really helpful. I had thought about putting DS into nursery for a couple of afternoons a week and doing something but then I felt guilty for wanting to be away from him.

Eventually I might be able to work here but it would only be min wage admin work so the cost of nursery would be higher than what I'd earn, plus the cost of commuting. I'm not sure I would enjoy the work much either.

I've been to a few mum and baby classes but I've only met one woman I clicked with and she goes back to work in January which is a real shame.

It's so hard to work out which part is causing the loneliness and boredom- the SAHM or the expat part.

I was a sahm when dc young. I made no apology about putting them in a creche one or two afternoons a week. You spend loads of time with him. A happy mum is important. Pop him in..he will be fine

YANBU. You need time for yourself. For me, I find that in 3 categories: "for" DD (playdates, classes etc); with DD in tow; and (the holy grail) uncontaminated free time (without!!). I make a list (I'm a list living person YMMV) and do what I can. Eg we lived in Germany for 8 months last year so DD at around 1 spent a lot of time being dragged around museums so I could see those sights. (Ideally while she slept in the sling but sometimes we spent more time carefully going up and down the stairs which she loved than on the exhibits)

Most places have an expat group on FB, meetup.com or similar so maybe you could make some mum dates? Or look for English language church or school for a more retro message board. And there are often cinema outings planned if you don't like going solo. Lots of places have English language showings of the Hollywood films but hard to be specific not knowing where you are.

Hope you find something soon xx