Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like a shit parent?

30 replies

HCantThinkOfAUsername · 13/12/2017 21:48

I hate this time of year. All I seem to hear is about Christmas.
Work my arse off but still can't afford anything and live week to week.
I appreciate what we have and want my dc to feel the same but it's so hard when they hear things from school and want them. How do I explain to a 4 year old?
Sorry just needed somewhere to rant.
Feel down and shit.

OP posts:
DeadGood · 13/12/2017 21:50

Chin up, OP. I know it’s hard.

You aren’t a shit parent. We just have an unfair society.

Cold comfort I know, but it’s no bad thing to go without lots of “stuff”. Struggling to cover the essentials is really tough though.

PersianCatLady · 13/12/2017 21:55

This is one of the reasons why I hate Christmas.

People feeling pressured to buy stuff for their child just because someone else has it.

Kids don't know just how hard it is for parents but one day OP your child will recognise just how hard you worked to give him / her a good life.

Beakyplinders · 13/12/2017 21:59

Give yourself a break, I'm sure you're doing a good job.

When I look back at the Christmases I had as a child I rarely remember the gifts I was given but I do remember the things we did, driving round local houses to see their lights, playing games, taking turns to mix the Christmas cake mix and making a wish etc etc.

Memories like this don't cost much, or anything, so maybe find some little memories to make yours

Original poster
HCantThinkOfAUsername · 13/12/2017 22:02

Thank you, it's so true it really is the memories that make it.
I hate the competitiveness of it all agh

OP posts:
LilyRose16 · 13/12/2017 22:08

I fully agree that it's the memories that last a lifetime! You can make it special on a budget, the fact you are worrying about it shows you are not a shit parent! I hate how commercial Christmas is nowadays and everything is a competition. Most of my friends seem to bring their kids to see a different Santa every day, talk about losing its magic..

Believeitornot · 13/12/2017 22:10

My mum was a single mum, she earned very little and we didn’t have much. But I loved Christmas- I don’t remember the presents, just the twinkly lights, she took us up to London to see the lights and eat chestnuts and stuff like that.

confusedofengland · 13/12/2017 22:12

I understand exactly where you are coming from OP.

We are struggling to have much food in the house at the moment, let alone afford Christmas too Sad. Added to which, my DS1 has his birthday at the weekend. My boys deserve so much more than we can give them this year, I fret about it all day long Sad

April229 · 13/12/2017 22:13

We are not struggling this year but also feel annoyed by the pressure to buy ever more expensive things for children at Christmas- for what it’s worth we have bought really costly presents before that were forgotten in half a day - while a £3.50 set of skittles is still a favourite 8 months later. The6 get played with all the time. It’s the memorys and the fun not the cost - kids don’t remember that.

And however much you spend there will always be a kid at school that gets more anyway - even if you were a millionaire! X

Pastbehindyouhmmmm30 · 13/12/2017 22:15

You are not alone, plenty of people feeling the same,’e included. I wish I could give my son the world but I can’t. He understands as I do explain and he will love what he’s getting. But paying rent and buying food has to come first.
Smile, do some free outings/ xmas crafts or baking andmakesomememories. It’s not all about material things, something so many have forgotten.

lastqueenofscotland · 13/12/2017 22:18

I remember very very few gifts I was given as a child, infact the one I do was a sweatshirt bought by my dad on the last Christmas j saw him, he died about 3 weeks later.
Don't worry it will all pale when they are older. And at 4 they are hardly likely to remember.

hamburgers · 13/12/2017 22:22

Oh OP you have all of my sympathy :(

I never really liked Christmas for this reason, and these days it's even worse with people showing off/low-key bragging on social media about what they got/what they got their kids. It's so competitive it's borderline disgusting.

You are absolutely not a shit parent. The fact you are worrying as much as you are is proof. Please don't feel disheartened!

ghostyslovesheets · 13/12/2017 22:26

yes my mum was also single and on benefits when I was very little and she used to buy toys in jumble sales and tart them up, we made decorations and paper chains, she made us outfits for Christmas Day

Look on your local 'free to collect' facebook site - people give toys and stuff away

Original poster
HCantThinkOfAUsername · 13/12/2017 22:29

Thank you all, your reassuring words really help.
It's sad how much it's changed from when we were young :(

OP posts:
ragdoll700 · 13/12/2017 22:33

Beakyplinders these are the things I remember as well for childhood Christmases I only remember 1 or 2 toys and I think this is because I have seen photos and not that I actually remember them.

Originalfoogirl · 13/12/2017 22:34

It's sad how much it's changed from when we were young

It hasn't though. There were haves and have nots when I was young. I remember kids coming back after christmas reeling of a massive list of expensive gifts they got, thinking how lucky they were. And that was over 30 years ago.

I am surprised at 4 year olds feeling pressure to get toys though. That doesn't usually start til much later.

Oxcheeks · 13/12/2017 22:35

HCantThink you're not a shit parent, at 4 years of age kids don't realise or worry about the cost of presents and this is where pound shops and home bargains come in handy. I was a single parent when my DSs were little, it's amazing how you cope when you need to. Where we live there are quite a few museums, the type of place to visit to see how people lived and worked in past years, what about an IOU vouch for a day out when the weather is nicer?

Justaboy · 13/12/2017 22:48

It just goes on for too long now its the whole month of December thats where its different its become a commercial festival not a reglious one or spritual either.

Yours'

Ebeneezer 'n lovin it;)

AnnieAnoniMouse · 13/12/2017 22:48

Chin up. It hasn’t changed. Your DC will remember the time you spent with them long after they’ve forgotten what they got. I didn’t realise my parents didn’t have two pennies to rub together when I was little. I don’t remember what presents I got, but I remember the Christmas decorations we made from crepe paper, toilet rolls & cotton wool etc. The paper chains we made, cut up crepe paper not the expensive ones you get now...

Do cheap crafty stuff, bake biscuits, walk around the neighbourhood looking at lights and seeing how many Christmas trees you can see etc. That’s what they'll remember.

DelphiniumBlue · 13/12/2017 22:54

Don't worry, a 4 year old's expectations are easy to manage. You can get stuff from Freecycle, boot sales, jumble sales e.g. , and they will neither know nor care. I did this for years, what they remembered was being allowed chocolate for breakfast and people to play with them - some sort of silly but age appropriate game that the adults around joined in with. Something like Jenga or Twister, or making dens out boxes.
Don't suggest to them that they are in with a chance of getting what they think is their hearts desire. With hindsight, I would not encourage letters to Santa with lists of what they want, but concentrate on Christmas experiences - making mince pies or biscuits, making decorations like paperchains, going for walks and coming back to hot chocolate, collecting pine cones.
My mum was a single parent back in the days when that was unusual, and was very short of money. But she was good at making stuff - dolls house/ fairy furniture out of cotton reels and matchboxes, dolls clothes, a letter from Santa in gold pen. Those are the things I remember. Children do understand about restricted finances and so long as they get love and attention, they will be happy.
Don't give yourself a hard time about what can't be helped, and best not to compare.
You sound like a caring parent, and that's what's important.

Katedotness1963 · 13/12/2017 23:08

Earlier today I read a post on FB about Christmas memories. No e mentioned gifts at all, it was all about their families traditions. When they put the tree up. Going for a walk to look at Christmas lights and coming home to have hot chocolate. Pizza for dinner on Christmas Eve. Baking and decorating biscuits or a ginger bread house. Cuddling up to watch a Christmas film by the light from the tree...

Original poster
HCantThinkOfAUsername · 16/12/2017 09:18

I totally agree with what you've all said, I'll make memories :) I've got multiple significant health issues so find it hard doing things with dc so make it up with toys, bad I know. Determined christmas will be good this year!

OP posts:
numbereightyone · 16/12/2017 09:28

Most people can't afford Christmas. The difference between the haves and the have nots is, in reality, access to credit cards.

There are lots of things you can do that are special at Christmas that cost nothing.

Pick greenery from the outdoors and make a wreath or table decoration.
Watch Christmas films on TV.
Go to a Christmas Carol service.
Go for a walk with a picnic on Boxing Day.

You can do lots of things relatively cheaply.

Make paper chain or popcorn decorations.
Make Christmas sweets and wrap them in little bags to hang from the tree.
Make Christmas brownies. Make brownies as usual. Take a piece of cardboard, cut out a star shape, place over the brownie and sprinkle icing sugar over the top. Pile the brownies up. Looks very Chrismassy.

Christmas has been hijacked by consumerism. Don't worry about not buying into it OP.

hungryhippo90 · 16/12/2017 09:49

I am sorry you are going through this, we have had a few christmasses where we couldn't afford gifts, I know how shit that feeling is,
But can I just say that in honesty the gifts are the least important part of being a parent?
You are obviously working your arse off to do the best you possibly can. He has a roof over his head, and food in his tummy, and a mum who loves him, these are the important things.

If you can, get a few presents for £1 each from £ land, things like puzzles, a recorder if you can find one, a set of pencils and a colouring book and a selection box
If you can, go to the library and pick up a few books, wrap them for him.
Spend time cuddling and reading together over Christmas.

When I'm broke I love to go to places where there's a lot of Christmas lights just as it's getting dark... it makes me feel really festive, I appreciate that there's usually a lot of expensive rubbish about, which I try to ignore because even if I had the money there's no way I'd be buying the tat! (And now I do- I still don't touch it!)

hungryhippo90 · 16/12/2017 09:49

Oh and- stevie

hungryhippo90 · 16/12/2017 09:51

Forget the last post by me lol! I tried to delete and pressed return which posted!

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.