My kid is weird, but I wouldn't get her tested...

[Nimueh]

Ok, I need to vent.

My DS has spent the last 4 years under CAMHS being assessed for ASD. Recently it was his birthday and he felt like he would enjoy a small party. Thankfully some children could come.

At the party one of the children's parents asked why my child was not eating any food. I responded by saying he didn't really like any of the food on offer. She asked why I had prepared food my son didn't like at his party. I explained that he had chosen the menu himself and was very insistent, he chose foods he knew his friends would enjoy. She kept pushing the issue and I then felt I should explain further and told her that he was currently being assessed for ASD. To which she responded 'Well my child is weird but I wouldn't get her tested'.

AIBU to feel upset by this? Or am I overreacting a bit?

I don't like the use of the word weird. He is not weird, I didn't take him to the Dr because he was weird. He is a little quirky, but I love that about him and wouldn't want him to change. He is awesome. But autism is so much more than being a bit quirky. It's difficult. It's difficult for him and it's difficult for us. It's exhausting. And whilst everyone else's child is enjoying Christmas, mine is under a blanket because there are too many lights and sounds and changes.

I tried to explain some of the issues we face and why it is important he is able to access help. She just proceeded to list all the ways her child was 'weird' and finished every sentence with 'but I wouldn't get her tested'. I stopped the conversation as she obviously didn't understand my point of view. But I feel upset by the whole thing. Do other people share her opinion? Is this a common way of thinking?

I don't think every child who exhibits autistic type behaviour needs 'testing'. If a child is happy, thriving, doing well at school and a bit quirky then great. But if a child is struggling with the daily demands of life then surely as a parent we are duty bound to help.

I suspect that this is more about her and her own DD rather than you and ds. Her reaction was actually the weirdest thing about the whole episode. i have a feeling she perhaps thinks there is something different about her own DD and is trying hard to deny it or put it down to quirky 'weird' nature. As someone said getting a 'label' often really helps the situation in terms of support and making teachers get in line with reality. Don't let her remark ruin your week

Meh. She's a twat that obviously thinks having a diagnosis of autism is a bad thing. Some of us know differently.

It’s not just about accessing support. A diagnosis is really helpful for the person with ASD to understand themselves better and not feel they are to blame for any difficulties they may have. It has been enormously positive for my 10 year old DD. She knew she was different and the diagnosis was a relief for her. Everyone person with ASD is different though.

Absolutely, scone.
I'm deaf and was as a child. When I was a child my traits were put down to my hearing. I do believe my horrendous teenage school years would have been easier with a diagnosis but then they weren't really given out in the eighties and early nineties, particularly to girls.
Getting my diagnosis in May this year has been very freeing and I've been able to forgive myself a lot that happened back then.

One of my dd's friends was diagnosed as autistic as an older teenager. She had a conversation with her parents about it recently and they pretty much said that they knew she was different and thought she might be autistic when she was much younger but decided against assessment for her.

She was very very angry about that, feeling that her life would have been much easier with more support and perhaps more importantly more knowledge about how and why she was different (including early flagging of being at risk for eating disorders and self harm).

I am very sympathetic towards her parents who are good people who have had a very difficult time too, but I think she is right. Some 'weird/ quirky/ different children grow into themselves and learn to make their differences into assets but others really struggle, and anything that can be done to help should be.

NB my children embraced their quirks and were proud to call themselves weird. ds does have some autistic traits (he was assessed as not having AS as a child but had some social communication and sensory difficulties) knowing he didn't see the world quite how we did was very helpful in parenting him.

She's scared. Scared of someone labelling her child. Yet she's happy to label her herself. People can be incredibly un-selfaware sometimes...

I just wondered, if she genuinely meant what she said, she may actually been worried sick about her dd, and desperately trying to deny it.
Then it makes sense, that she persistently asking about your ds, maybe she sees similarity between her dd and your ds?

I know a fair few parents with children with an ASD. Not one of those parents has regretted getting a diagnosis.

I think it’s a little strange not to want a diagnosis just because it’s deemed a label by the parent. You don’t have to tell anyone about it once they are diagnosed, not anyone who doesn’t matter anyway.

Ahh how lovely of your boy to choose food his friends would enjoy. He sounds awesome.
As for the other Mum, she sounds clueless at best.

Omg ! How very rude! What a silly woman.

On the other hand your DS sounds amazing! He picked out all the food he knew other people would like and put his friends before himself. That's fantastic

I don’t understand parents who don’t get their DC’s diagnosed over fear of placing a label. It’s a label... really ? A diagnosis is not a label... it’s who the person is... how their brain is wired. Their kids may be fine now but I don’t envy them when their kids teach teenage-hood or adolescents.

I was diagnosed with Dyslexia last year. After many years of feeling some-what different but couldn’t put a finger on it. My parents knew something was up but didn’t want me to get “labelled”. All that intervention I missed, understanding myself earlier on... has gone to waste now.

Your ds sounds lovely - how nice that he chose the menu so his friends had fun. You should be proud. The other mother sounds like a bitch

I’ve taught children whose parents have refused to have them tested because they don’t want them ‘labelled’. Yet as others have said if they are diagnosed with issues then it opens up so much support to help them cope with life. Ignore stupid woman, she obviously has no idea what autism is and how it affects people.

I've come across people like this too.

I think they are probably insecure in their own decision not to ask for their child to be assessed. You having decided to do something she has decided not to do and she feels threatened by that.

People are happier if you make the same decision they made and they will try to persuade you to do that in order to validate their own position.

Oh wow. I'm so sorry she said that to you. I think some people have an opinion on this that perhaps comes from fear of 'marking their child as different' and all those real and imagined connotations that this has. My parents were against me getting DD1 texted in case other people treated her differently. I just politely told them I was going ahead. She has ASC and doesn't care who knows it. It's not nice to hear your child labelled as 'weird' and she should have thought before she spoke - hugs to you.

Yes, I hadn't thought that maybe she is worried about labelling her own child. I could do with learning some good quips for when people are rude as I guess it's something I need to get used to. DS has his panel meeting on Monday so after 4 long years we will know one way or the other. He is happy and says getting diagnosed would be the best birthday present as when people know he is autistic they won't bully him anymore. Breaks my heart.

He did enjoy his party, he wasn't too rude, said hello to his guests, still hasn't opened any birthday cards as 'he has no need of them'. If he had chose food he liked he would've picked smoked salmon, pomegranate seeds, broccoli and honey roast nuts.

Yeah I think you are right in that quirky and weird are kinda the same. Quirky always sounds more positive to me. I think what I meant though was weirdness or quirkyness is not really cause for assessment. Like someone said all children can be weird. ASD is so much more than that.

I'd say something like "and if that is working for your family then great. This is helping ours. No one solution works for everyone."

Sometimes the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and some parents with kids that have social challenges (not saying her daughter has them but it sounds like she might...) are not so strong in social skills themselves. There are definitely family members in our family that have similar traits to DS.

We've always pushed the concept that weird is interesting and a compliment. We know other families that feel the same way. DS thanked someone in his class who called him weird as a slight. They looked confused and didn't bother him again
:)

My response would be “the diagnosis will help us get the support our boy needs so he can be the best boy he can be”

notgiving.** Me too. And I bloody love my label

Like the pps experience ;' He will be given a label even if you have your head in the sand . I collected all sorts of labels before I got diagnosed : stupid, disruptive, lazy, bone idle, thick. 'The naughty one' 'the daydreamer' (because I found it so hard to follow stuff I literally overloaded and zoned out)

Now I can access the support I need at work and if I'm studying, I can prove I'm not stupid I just learn differently and in my own time. Whilst it is frustrating at times, It's a piece of me as much as the colour of my eyes.**

Bugger

Bold fail

SLIightly different but the person you describe in your op is the exact reason i won’t be telling people about having dyspraxia. Sorry she was so rude to you.

So she is ok to label her kid 'weird' but refuses a label by professionals who can likely help her to understand why her child is the way she is? Nope it isn't the child who is weird

My DS (8) has traits which could indicate SEN. But they are very subtle and despite speaking to teachers over the years, our GP, various friends from a medical background I've been told it's not a concern. But they obviously don't know him like I do. Why he struggles to grasp the fact he can't get his way all the time. Why it's hell on earth if he is somehow wronged by someone. DParents get annoyed that I give him my phone to play a Maths timetables game most days we visit. They KNOW I struggle to spend quality time with them otherwise due to whinging etc yet continue to question why.

I told GP about his physical tics, his anxiety regarding paper (he hates the sound and texture of it), how he hates sitting with other kids as 'they spit in his food' at lunchtime whilst talking over him, how he hates using cutlery from the cutlery tray because other children have been touching it. A few examples there. I would rather he be diagnosed with a proper label even if he is on the mildest end of the spectrum than be called weird and laughed at (like the year 6 boys who laughed at his tic the other day which deely upset him).

Really happy your DS enjoyed his party OP. DS was the only one in the class to be left out of a party last year (tbf he was new and had been in the class only a few months), party memories good or bad remain with them a long time.

She sounds like a dickhead

“Do you mean to be so rude?”

What a colossal bellend.