To continue this friendship (Jealous partner)

[WhyOhWhyTheSky]

I've been with my partner for 5 months and he's generally lovely, caring, generous etc.

I also have a friend (a guy) who I've been close to for 4 years and we work together. He's a very good friend to me and is always there for me. After I split with my ex and just before me and current partner got together, me and friend were out with some other friends and we got drunk and ended up sleeping together. It only happened once and it didn't change anything between us. We just acknowledged it was a drunken thing and resumed as normal.

I don't have any desire to be in a relationship with him and he knows this. I just value him as a person a lot.

My current partner is a worry wart and insecure. I was upfront about my friend from the start, and one night when partner kept going on and on asking me if there was anything I think he should know, I told him that me and friend had slept together one time, but that it was simply a drunken thing and neither of us are interested in being in a relationship with each other, hence why I'm with him and not friend.

Fast forward and my current partner is becoming more and more jealous and insecure about me still occasionally talking to friend. Friend and I work together so we have to see each other, but aside from that I never text him, and if he texts me (usually something innocuous like a funny meme or to ask something work related) I reply in a way as to not engage in much conversation, but also not be so blunt he thinks I'm being rude!

My partner has asked that I stop as much communication as possible with him and that he feels far too uncomfortable about the whole thing.

I've reassured him that I only want and love him, I have no feelings for my friend, it was a one time thing etc, and while I understand why he would feel uncomfortable, at the end of the day we've been friends for a very long time and before I knew partner, and I don't just want to cut him from my life completely. I've said to partner he can check my phone when he wants.

I just want to know if IABU to continue my friendship as I also don't want to upset partner.

Five months isn't a 'partner'. He's a very new boyfriend. Why are you conceding control of your social life to someone you've known for five months?

Hmm. I can see why your partner might be jealous, but ultimately that's his problem. You've been upfront about your friend, which strongly indicates your trustworthiness. I think it's sad that you've let your friendship slide.

Also, if DP can't trust you, can you trust him?

I'd ditch the boyfriend sooner than I'd ditch the friend.
Yeah, he might be insecure, but that's his issue to deal with and if he can't, he needs to walk away- not be controlling and try to dictate your friendships to you.

Friend trumps new dp.

As others have said he isn't a partner. Just a bf. Tell him he can leave if he feels like he can't trust you. I can't see how you can have a relationship with him if he's this insecure.

I would not have mentioned it and your boyfriend INBU.
Jealousy is a red flag, though, and I would think hard about continuing the relationship.

I dunno. You've only been seeing this guy 5 months and you are not interested in the friend sexually - but is the friend interested in YOU? I might not like it if I felt there was someone waiting in the wings who wanted my partner for themselves. Especially if I felt they had quite a close relationship that had slipped into more fairly recently.

I'm not saying you should end the friendship. But I can see your partner's point of view.

Would you be happy in his shoes?

Ditch the boyfriend. He’s only going to get worse.

Yep, this is a red flag. I also agree that it's very soon to call him a partner. Did he love bomb you by any chance?

Thanks for the replies so far.

Mike The only reason I told boyfriend about it is because I wanted to be completely honest, and if he found out after a year or whatever that we'd slept together, I think it would have caused a bigger issue than if I'd been upfront about it at the start and I didn't want to come across as deceitful.

He keeps saying that he trusts me but at the same time it doesn't feel like he does. I have a friend's party coming up and he wanted to pick me up from it because he didn't want me going home with friend who will be there (which would never happen).

Considering you've slept with this 'friend' I don't think it's unreasonable for your new bf to not be happy with your relationship with this 'friend'.

I wouldn't like it at all if it was my bf being all besties with someone he'd very recently shagged.

And would I be happy in his shoes is something I'm struggling with - he has many female friends who we texts and speaks with on the phone, will suggest they go out for a bite to eat together or whatever.

There's also a girl who he told me he spent a fair bit of time with at his place before we got together, who he still speaks to very often via text and he still sees her as he relies on her for something work wise.

You have been totally upfront about this friend and not hidden anything. Even offered up your phone for inspection any time he likes. Even the blatantly obvious fact that you would not be with your bf but would be in a relationship with your friend if you loved him is not going to placate your bf, it seems. Either he can make a rational and logical decision to trust you given your complete honesty or he cant. But it has to be a decision he makes.

Sounds like you have answered your own dilemma.

Heavens! Why not just enjoy each other's company without all this over investment and policing?

What my partner did before we met is none of my business. What I did isn't any of his.
He has asked/mentioned a couple of things that, if I dwelt on them, could make me feel insecure but really it isn't worth it.

Re my most recent post though, I should ad that I've never had any issue with any of this and just let him get on with things as I trust him (or more, have the view that of something's going on, it's going to go on whether I try to police his friendships or not)

I can’t see this working OP. Your boyfriend is insecure and ultimately will make you choose between him and your friend.

I think that if someone is possessive it is a bad sign - usually that the possessive one isn't that into the other one.
He might be projecting.

The post where he wants to pick you up from a party to stop you leaving with the friend decides it for me (I saw your partner's pov at first). BF needs to let it go or let you go. That is not reasonable, trusting behaviour.

Sounds like his behaviour will only get worse. Youve been honest with him, youve offered him to check your phone to ease his mind but yet hes still wants u to cut contact though he has female friends who he messages?
He will only get worse. If u cut contactwoth your friend, he'll be insecure about someone else or a place you go to etc.

Personally, I'd sack it off

Your BF is insecure, jealous, and doesn't trust you.

It's not looking good is it?

He's already starting with the control (collecting you from party, telling you who you can and can't text). This will only get worse

Don’t risk the friendship by keeping him at arm’s length and avoiding communications. Friend will just be upset and you might lose him. Boyfriend’s jealousy and insecurity won’t get any better, in fact is likely to cause you a lot of problems in the future.

I think, honestly, that people who are most possessive and jealous are those who have most to hide themselves!

I would be looking at his 'friendship', the one where they are in touch a lot. That is if I could be bothered, to be honest, I am not sure I could. He is giving you hassle after 5 months for having been honest! It's not like you have been with him for 5 years and have loads invested in this relationship.

I would say if it is this much grief at this stage, when it should be all sunshine and rainbows, then further down the line, it can only get worse. Get rid!