Parents who get over-involved in kids activities, aibu to think it always ends in tears?

[pixiedust11]

Just an observation my dc are involved in a number of activities, one at a high level. We have been supportive of activities but keep our distance from teachers & just drop & collect at allocated times & go shopping or for a coffee & say a polite hello & thanks at drop off & collection.
Dh & I were musing last night about the amount of parents who have had kids in the activities & pushed their way in "fundraising" taking the money" & running facebook pages (promoting their own dc's achievements!!!) Inevitably when their child doesn't reach potential they complain about the club, moan about how much they gave the club out of their own time, take the dc out of the club & move to a different club or change activites & try & start the same behaviour again!!!
We have seen this cycle many times, most clubs have wonderful, supportive parents but the ones who seem to do too much seem to come, push their way in through "helping" then kick up a huge fuss when their kids aren't getting the results they want...
Aibu or is this just the activities my dc are in? How do clubs even allow this? I would have thought the clubs prefer the parents to keep a bit of a distance so to speak?

Not aibu. I'm an ex dance teacher & I was able to spot the pushy parents a mile away! Some parents were genuinely helpful, the pushy ones very transparent & I kept them at a distance with polite chit chat. I still spot them now at dd's extracurriculars.

YANBU - there seems to be a strong drive in the last few years of some parents hot housing their DC, CV-building for small children, being overly-invested in the group/ team, and it never looks much fun for the DC.

Wo betide the team leader who doesn't pick their DC for the team, orchestra's first violin etc! Its as if they think their time investment and support of the group makes up for the fact their child might not actually be innately gifted at the activity and a failure to see the child is not having a good time at all.

There are two types of parents who are frustrating. Those who are over invested and pushy and those who don't get involved but are quite happy for their children to reap the benefits of the time and effort other parents put into fundraising and organising.

My kids have been involved at high level in a number of sports. Obviously the level of parental involvement varies depending on the sport or activity but for most of them, it was a hard working bunch of volunteer parents who kept the club going. While there was an occasional pushy parent, most were just helping out and doing the best for their kids and the club. I contribute what I can in terms of time and effort and am grateful for the efforts of everyone who can contribute.

From my experience it was parents trying to live their dreams through their children. Also had a mum who bitched constantly about other 5 year olds!!! Needless to say she left fairly swiftly when her dd wasn't star of the show & tried to run my school into the ground in the process.

I have a friend who teaches piano. She says when she gets a parent who clearly wants to live their dreams of playing the piano through the child and the child is not bothered, she always suggests the parent learns the piano instead.
I guess the issue is that there are some activities parents won't be able to do. But much better as a parent to follow your own dreams than try and live them through your child. Your child needs to develop their own dreams.

I think it depends on the activity. Several things my DCs do wouldn't happen if parents weren't prepared to get involved.
My DD goes to a large dance school - they hold a big show every 2 years. The y rely on parents volunteering to go through the process of getting registered as licenced chaperones in order for the show to run.

Both DCs do scouting and guiding activities and again, many event wouldn't happen if parents were not willing to help out.

I haven't seen any of the type of situations that OP refers to.

I haven't got involved in fundraising efforts for my DDs' dance school.

1. I work four days a week in a stressful job with a 1.5 hour commute each way.

1. I did five years on the PTA. I am so over fundraising.

1. I give them hundreds of pounds a year, practically taking a second mortgage for my daughters' hobby. They are running a business - why do I need to raise funds for it?

@catwoozle - I don't think anyone would expect you to fundraise for a business. The only thing I do to help out at my dd's ballet school is to supervise some of the younger kids backstage at the biannual show. Not a big deal for the school to ask and not a big deal to do.

However, many clubs / activities are nonprofit organisations so fundraising may be necessary. Parents are variable in how much time / effort they can contribute and that is fine. The ones I have an issue with are the ones who expect everyone else to do the work and then complain and whinge that it's not done to their liking.

I used to help run a youth club. Most parents were lovely and helped where theY could. Some weren't In a position to help at all, which was fine.

However, there was always a few who complained about everything. These were the ones who never helped out anywhere. I found the best way to deal with them was to say "you seem to be very interested. Why don't you give me your details and we can get you trained up to help us organise it better ". Amazing how quickly they reversed out of the hall while muttering about how it was fine the way it was.

Disclaimer - if anyone had a valid point to make, I would airways take that on board.

I have a friend who teaches piano. She says when she gets a parent who clearly wants to live their dreams of playing the piano through the child and the child is not bothered, she always suggests the parent learns the piano instead.

This was me! I can play the piano now

I wish we had some pushier parents at my DC'S club. They're always struggling for volunteers to help out and they never have any money. Pisses me off when the other parents (who don't help out at all) moan about the state of the kit and say that the club should fundraise to buy more but them don't offer to help fundraise. Grr.

But equally, can see how what the OP describes is annoying and not fun for their kids.

I have done the chaperoning, but could only be of limited help as I hadn't got a CRB check.

I don't think anyone would expect you to fundraise for a business

Oh but they have. I somehow didn't go to that meeting. It was about sending them to the world champs. As we already pay airfare, hotels, entries and team kit etc I didn't see the point in holding events to raise money from ourselves to send them there. If I have to contribute a tenner for something that's fine, just don't ask me to be part of some tedious bazaar or jumble sale in order to raise the same per head contribution.

Rather than fundraising for kits, why don't they just tell parents what the cost of the new kit is going to be and let them pay installments if it's expensive.

@catwoozle - that's not fundraising for the school though. It's fundraising for a trip for the kids that you wouldn't expect the school to pay for. Although, based on what you were already paying for, what was left to fundraise for?

Contributing a tenner is fine but sometimes it's an awful lot more than that. Some kit is really expensive (gymnastics for example). Ds was involved in a team sport. Club membership was €50 per year. Many of the families were not particularly wealthy. The team qualified for a major tournament that involved a lot of travel. It would have cost at least €400 to €500 per child to pay for everything (bus, kit, food etc). Most parents could not afford that. So we fundraised. People got sponsorship from companies to pay for the kit. We bag packed in supermarkets and did other fundraising activities so that the amount parents had to pay was minimal.

I hated the fundraising. I would much rather have paid over the money but given the demographics of the membership, it was not reasonable to ask parents to cough up that much money.

Dd was involved in another activity. There was one family who were very wealthy. They never did any fundraising as, according to the mother, "There is no way I'm standing in a supermarket packing bags. Here's €100 so I don't have to do it". I felt that was unbelievably patronising to those who had less disposable income.

I just don't feel comfortable asking the wider public to donate to sending my child to a competition, it's so completely embarrassing and like begging. There are so many others in real need. Packing bags in the supermarket and people ask what charity it is for .

Sponsorship is quite a different matter.

Well, if you want your children to be super successful that is what you need to do :-)

To be am F1 racing driver - as well as being mega loaded - you also need a dad who was an F1 racing driver.

Etc etc You know how to train, what contacts to make etc

@catwoozle - I agree with you. I hate fundraising. If raffle tickets come home, I just buy them myself.

Where we live most of the bag packing is done for sports or other activities but yeah, regardless of parents income, if the kids are involved in these, they are relatively more privileged than many. Fundraising does make it accessible to more people though, which is good.

I just don't feel comfortable asking the wider public to donate to sending my child to a competition, it's so completely embarrassing and like begging. There are so many others in real need. Packing bags in the supermarket and people ask what charity it is for

I agree with this. I was recently asked to sponsor someone for an event. I agered, assuming it was for charity. Turned out it was to buy equipment for their child's extra curricular sport. Didn't feel like a good cause to me

Some people don't have lives of their own so live it through their kids as that's all they have.

Rather than fundraising for kits, why don't they just tell parents what the cost of the new kit is going to be and let them pay installments if it's expensive.

Because the kit is so expensive (about 1000 pounds) that it's easier if the club buys it and then lends it to kids who want to have a go.