Ex GF

[StanMarsh]

It's my husbands 30th Birthday on 23rd Dec. Given the close proximity to Xmas, many people understandably can't make it, which is a night out in a local city.

However we are spending it with two of his good friends and their partners - all good I thought.

Husband is disappointed by the turn out which I do understand but most likely his friends just aren't available two days before Xmas with family and other commitments. We also both work shifts and quite frankly, it's an absolute miracle that we have both been able to schedule that night off. Most of his friends are also shift workers and we all have to work over the Xmas period so we were always up against it in terms of numbers.

Anyway another of his friends has said he would like to come but he will also be seeing husbands ex GF that night (with his wife). His friend and the ex GF are still good mates but husband is not in contact with her and wouldn't refer to her as a friend.

I've met his ex on a couple of occasions - mutual friends birthdays, a wedding etc. She's a nice person, I have no issue with her and happy to chat to her in a large social gathering.

However, husbands friend and his wife have said they would like to come to his birthday but would it be ok if ex GF came too as they already had prior plans to see her.

Husband is fine with this and just wants as many of his friends there as possible. I'm just feeling a little uneasy about it, not because I'm jealous but to be honest I think I'm just going to feel a bit embarrassed to celebrate my husbands 30th with a very small group of friends.....and his ex. If it was a bigger group of people I would probably grin and bare it, but this just feels like quite an intimate gathering.

Because I'd previously told my husband that I thought she was nice, he's taken that to mean she can come and can't really see the issue. I don't want to make an issue out of it, I want him to have a great Birthday but I can't help the way I feel.

How should I play this?

Why would anyone want to spend time in the company of someone your dh had sex with? Just odd imo!

I find it strange how many posters dont find the situation strange.

Sat in a small group with your husbands ex? How awkward for you, your husband and everyone else.
Like you say, I could do it at a large party but then theres only going to be a few of you out, hell no.

Id tell your husband it would be awkward and cringeworthy, for you and probably other people. If he shrugs it off, just ask how he would feel if your ex came out on your birthday
Im sure he'll get the message

He definitely wants to go out on 23rd as that's his birthday, plus that happens to be the only night we both have off work together.

I have talked to him twice about this, the first time I did lose my temper with him because he just kept saying 'but you don't have a problem with her, so what does it matter if she's there'?

The second time we spoke about it, he could then see my point of view but still made me feel guilty that I was somehow throwing a spanner in the works and he just wanted as many of his friends there as possible.

I'm going to talk to him again right now. I'm not ok with it, it's weird and uncomfortable and I just don't want to do it.

It's brazen and not that cool of his mates to tagalong the ex.

Ok so it's all water under the bridge. No risk. No harm and all that. I get that. But it's lame and it sucks. I wouldn't want to spend DH's birthday with an ex, harmless as it all is. No. Just no.

Also, it's a shame he's so focused on numbers rather than making it a lovely night for the two of you. Is he a very sociable, extroverted type who just needs loads of warm bodies in the room?

Is he five? He sounds like it, with the insistence that his birthday celebration has to be on his exact birthday and he has to have as many friends there as possible. Even if it upsets his wife.

Your last resort if he doesn't agree tonight to uninvite her is to say fine, I'm not going to go. If he chooses to spend his birthday with his mates and ex over his wife attending that says a lot sadly.

He seems very weirdly preoccupied with perceived popularity. I'd be starting to wonder if there was some reason he desperately did want to spend time with her cos his behaviour is just weird. It'd put me off a hell of a lot if I had to play the role of persuading him to uninvite the ex. The minute you said you were uncomfortable with it he should have said I understand and sorted it. He knows you're not okay with it but is campaigning to go ahead with it anyway? Wtf

Also the friends and ex are not being cool at all here. Are they friends of you too? I'm trying to envisage inviting a close friend's ex along to her birthday night out when she's not in contact with him and is married to someone new and i just... can't.

We've had another conversation. He said of course he didn't want me to feel uncomfortable and that she didn't have to come.

Apparently husband was the one who jumped the gun with his friend, saying oh it'll be fine, they get on etc. His friend did ask if it would be ok, understood if not etc! So husband apologised and said he will sort it.

Thanks for everyone's advice!

Glad it's sorted OP!

It was hypocritical of DH expecting you to be fine with it when he wouldn't be fine with it himself.

Oh and to those who asked about his views on popularity - he has said to me recently that he feels as if he's lost contact with a lot of his friends (his own fault I should add, because he is notoriously shit at keeping in touch with people) and so I think that has played a big part in his need for lots of friends to be there....

God what a ball ache!