not sure about baby

[Whattodonut]

Hi
I'm looking for reassurance- but if that's not possible, then honest opinions

I have a 2yr old daughter with my DH. I love them both with all my heart and I feel like our family is just perfect as it is. I have lots of time for my DD and don't feel swamped by any part of life- work, home or looking after my DD on my days off.

I grew up in a big family, and so did my DH. So I've always been convinced that I didn't want just one child - that it was a bit fairer on her to have a brother or a sister.
I've just found out I'm pregnant. It wasn't planned, but it wasn't a total shock. But I'm not sure I want to have this baby now. I worry I won't have time for my DD. I don't want my attention to be split. I sound like she's a proper PFB- but we're fair and don't spoil her and my DD is really well behaved and fun to be around. I also (selfishly) don't know if I can face more sleepless nights. The first couple of months with my DD were by far the worst. I didn't enjoy it at all, and I really love this time now.
My DD loves babies (is a bit obsessed at the moment!), so I'm not too worried about her not being happy with a sibling. I am worried about my OH as he suffers when he has to stay up with our DC for even a few hours- and with a 3yr old and a new born he will have to (I did nights during the week when I was on Mat leave, but he did weekends)
I was never particularly maternal growing up, and I still rarely coo over babies (except out of politeness) but I love being a mum to my DD.
Finally- I'm shitting myself it might be twins (as these run in my family).
So- AIBU in being scared? There's not much I can do I know, but I just am not excited, and not happy about it like I should be.

As she gets older she will need you at lot less. We found that once our eldest reached 3 he become far more independent. You may find that in 9 months time you actually really want a baby.

It wasn’t planned but it wasn’t a shock? What does that mean?

Normal worries, but you know what you're doing now. You don't have to learn how to look after a baby. Your post includes lots of positives. Your DH sounds supportive, your dd loves babies, you want more than one.

Your children will actually have a good age gap for growing up together.
Even though you are not expecting to enjoy the first few months, it will be worth it.

“ There's not much I can do I know”

What do you mean by this? Because if you live in England, there is something you can do.

I’m not saying you should, but it’s weird to pretend you don’t have options.

I’d also say that a 3 year old is no longer a toddler, and much more like a “child”. Although you don’t love babies, you do love your own, and by the time this new one is born you might be in the mood to cuddle one of your own again.

I believe your feelings are understandable and a lot more common than you might think. I had these same reservations about my third. The other two were very close not just in age but devoted to each other. When we used to joke about a new baby they were adamant that they did not want a sibling. I don’t have any advice, just hope that as your pregnancy progresses you will find the reassurance you need.

In my case I certainly need not of worried, he has brought so much joy to our family. Maybe even filled a gap that we never knew we had, if that makes sense.

Thank you. It's so nice to hear positive messages and reassurances that things change. It's hard to picture it now
I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this right now - so thanks strangers on mumsnet!
I do have a lot positive in my life lifetothefull. Sometimes I need to remind myself that I'm pretty bloody lucky.
greatduck sorry - i meant obviously it wasn't a virgin birth but we'd only had sex once unprotected.
deadgood You're right- there are people who are without options (I'm not in the UK btw but still have options ). I don't feel taking them would leave me in a better place than having a baby.

This is all completely normal - I felt much the same when I got pregnant the 2nd time. It will be hard at first but so worth it - when my 2 boys play together I feel such joy.

Thanks redcliff
I honestly hadn't pictured them playing together. Your post made me a bit emotional.
I'll focus on that thought.

I understand. I got pregnant with my 2nd and it wasn’t a shock, just not planned (were adults, I know where babies come from) I initially felt awful, like I’d ruined my DSs life (he was nearly 2). But DP & I talked honestly about it and I’m typing this while feeding DS no. 2 - 12 weeks.

It honestly hasn’t been nearly as stressful or tiring as the first - the main bit of parenting - the shock of becoming parents has already happened with no 1, and the second time you just get on with it.

I’d felt awfully guilty for the immediate negative feelings I had but this time around I had the birth I wanted, i can breastfeed, DS no1 loves his brother and it’s done, our family is complete. We’re only 12 weeks in but it’s better than I hoped so far.

Good luck

Thanks Littlecaf
In a really short time I've gone from totally negative to being able to see how it might be a wonderful thing. I cant quite picture it yet but all your stories are really helping.

Thank you so much

I knew I didn't want ds to be an only child, but I really struggled with pg and tiny babies so can totally relate to how you feel.

The look on ds1's face when he came in after ds2 was born and I said 'Do you want to see your brother?' made me feel it was all worthwhile. And nearly 8 years on I can honestly say it was. Every year is better and the boys are the best of friends. I am regularly grateful that I was able to have another (infertility issues, so it wasn't a given).

The first baby is usually the hardest. I had 3 sons, 5, 3 and 1. I can now honestly say that although it was hard work at times, looking back their childhoods were the best years of my life. I wish that I’d gone on to have four children, but we were being practical, bedrooms, car size etc. One of my sons has just had his second son and he can’t believe how much easier life is than he expected it to be with two and his eldest loves the newborn to bits.

My children are 22 and 24 now. Boy and girl. They are such good friends. Not saying everyone will be like that but having another sibling means they have to share everything. My daughter was 2 y 5 months when my son was born and was a bit hard going at the beginning but it is so worth it. I am 8 years older than my only sibling (brother) I left home when he was 10 so I did t really see him grow up. We get on well and he now enjoys teasing me as I reach each decade.

I do think it is good to think about them being together in the future. My 3,in the 40s and 30s are incredibly close still. They help each other out all the time, baby sitting, emergency child care, DIY, shoulder to cry on, holidays and outings. Unusually, I think nowadays, my huge brood of grandchildren are very close too.

I have almost single-handedly had the burden of caring for Elderly Parents for the last 10years. The three of them have been my rock. I know that, should I need help in the future, they won’t have to carry the responsibility alone.

I have a 3.5 year age gap between my 2 and imo it's a perfect time. Oldest can understand what's going on and it's easy to help them understand that this is their sibling, not just a baby. They are old enough to be involved and helpful, can do things independently and it's not long before they start school so DC 2 gets some undivided attention too.

My DC are now 19 and 15 and still very close. They talk their problems over with each other and are always looking out for each other.

I could’ve written this 7 months ago when I found out I was pregnant. We have a lovely 2 year old and I didn’t find the baby stage easy. I felt overwhelmed with guilt and sadness for my little boy. I soon realised a lot of my emotions were hormones and it passed after a few weeks. I am due next month and although I’m still nervous about disrupting our life and the sleepless nights, I’m looking forward to it and happy that my little boy will have a sibling. Good luck with it all.

This has been one of the most positive posts I've read on AIBU.
Thanks everyone. I genuinely thought I was more or less alone in feeling this. Hearing everyone who has gone through the same thing and come out positively has just made me so much calmer. I told my DH and he said he was feeling the same- but remembers how much he loved growing up with his siblings made him more positive.

You're not - I think being scared is natural. It's a big change - I have 4 children and going from 1-2 was the most daunting. I worried about all the things you've mentioned. It's worth chatting it through with someone - not necessarily a professional, it might be helpful just chatting with a friend. I hope you feel better about it soon. 😊

I am a twin, so they definitely run in my family. I would love another one, but also know the chances of twins are higher for me as i could have a double ovulation. It won't stop me giving it a go.
When I fell pregnant with my son, even though he was planned, as soon as i saw that second line I started panicking. It's just your life taking a whole different route. And different is scary, but you've got a lot of great things in your life. And with the right support (which it sounds like you have) this will be something great aswell.