AIBU to agree with the school?

[Notss]

We’ve just had a parents evening.

DS1 is 13 (Yr9); and although he is capable of acheiveing whatever a C is now, the general consensus seems to be that if he carries on as is he is going to fail most of his GCSEs. I’ve been told that he just doesn’t put the effort in and refuses to engage with anything even a little challenging. This seems to have started with puberty: as at primary school we never had any issues; he met expectations in his SATs and behaviour was typical for his age.

I’m happy to support the school on this; I’ve told the teachers that they can email or phone me if he doesn’t at least try the work and he will be punished at home (no internet, going out...) I’ve also asked if extra homework could be given for when he’s fallen behind that I can do with him and a number of teachers have given me some to work with over Christmas.

I told DH all this and he went mad. He said that the school should be doing the extra work, not us at home and that if he isn’t working in lesson then it must be because the lessons are boring or not appropriate, so it’s the teacher’s fault not DS and He’s not happy for DS to revive a double punishment for not what happens at school.

Aibu or is he?

As extra info, I did ask if teachers could give any extra sessions for him; and was told that wouldn’t be possible at this stage as they already give extra sessions to underachieving Yr10 and 11 as well as running clubs.

Your husband’s attitude is quite odd really. He doesn’t feel any responsibility for helping his DS pass his exams?

Depressingly, that's a very common attitude. Many parents don't even see themselves as responsible for their child's behaviour, let alone learning.

Schools in middle class areas do incredibly well compared to those in poor areas and private schools do even better. Yet private schools have worse teaching (on average) than the state sector.

Teachers can make a difference, but rarely can we work miracles.

I think it’s easy for anyone to lose confidence in their ability to do something when they have previously succeeded without too much of an effort or enjoyed the subject with corresponding good results. OP your DS needs to be encouraged to do the extra work and to feel satisfaction again in achieving. Working with him you will be able to see what the obstacles are and help him understand the subjects. I think rather than too many punishments a few incentives would be in order. If he does not feel motivated because he has lost confidence or it just seems too hard give him achievable goals to lift his mood. Your DH is totally out of order (? Can’t be bothered with the extra work involved?) What was your aDH’s experience at school. Did he fail to reach his potential?
Good luck

I completely agree with the approach you are taking, and I really don't understand where your DH is coming from. Does DH not have many/any qualifications himself, but has done "well" in life? It my be that he, mistakenly in my opinion, thinks your DS will be the same.

Ask your DH what he thinks the response will be if your DS goes for a job, is asked why he doesn't have any qualifications and responds 'it's the school's fault, the lessons were boring'. How much sympathy does he expect your DS to get with that excuse?

Even if the lessons are boring, unfortunately your DS needs to get his GCSEs so will just have to suck it up.

Boring lessons? Is it the job of teachers to entertain or educate?

I think your dh should have to answer the question "How do you hope your son's life will look in 15 years?".
How does your husband think your son will feed himself, pay his rent, have a dp/family? Your husband and your son need to have an answer to this. Mechanisation will inevitably mean that many jobs are going to disappear. There will, for example, be no driving jobs in 15 years. This is not about your son's school days, it's not about whether he gets punished twice. It is about his future, his hopes and ambitions. It is immature of your both your dh and ds to fail to realise this. Your son is young. It's inevitable that he will be immature and need parental guidance. Wtf is your husband's excuse?
Good luck op. You are going to need to be so strong but you are completely right and shouldn't be on your own in this. Without some support, your ds is likely to keep pissing his future away and in 10 years your dh will be complaining that his son is a depressed waster who hasn't left home yet!

Does your DS have any ideas about what he wants to do next? Is he working in his option subjects now? Does he see any connection between what he is doing now and what he will be able to do next?

Does your DS do anything outside of school - sports, cadets, scouts etc? If not then strongly encourage him to do something which he can start to build a bit of a passion for.

As a PP mentioned, part of what he may be lacking is self-confidence. Doing something outside of school may help to build that confidence.

Your husband is an entitled muppet. Plenty of children behave well and work hard in the less entertaining lessons as well as the more entertaining ones, because they know they are there to learn, for their own benefit, not to be bloody entertained!

YANBU to think that if your son can't behave and do his work (presumably in spite of strenuous and repeated efforts by his teachers to make him do so) then it is HIS (and therefore your) problem. It's lucky he has one sensible parent.

And teachers shouldn't have to give up lunch and break and after school time when they could be helping exam students - or even having a coffee or some lunch.

You are 100% right. Ultimately there is so much a school can do and strong parental support is often key in how well children do.

DH said that the school should be doing the extra work, not us at home and that if he isn’t working in lesson then it must be because the lessons are boring or not appropriate, so it’s the teacher’s fault not DS

Your DH is completely U. Your dh is old enough to know the consequences of not working. It's his life, his exams, and his lookout. Why on earth should teachers wate their time giving ihm extyra lessons when he doesn't concentarte in regular ones??

Your dh will produce a lazy man child who takes responsibility for nothing if he's not careful...

I thought you'd said it was your son who said all that, and I thought "cocky whiny arsed little shit" blaming the teachers!

I'm going to go very slightly easier on your husband than most posters... my BIL was a school refuser back in the day, and I think has undiagnosed learning difficulties. He would respond like this about his son, in a very defensive way.

Is it possible there's something similar going on here?

Maybe he's just a nob.

He's wrong, either way - but it would affect how I handled it.

Personally, I would work out a homework schedule, and make him work hard for rewards (be it money, privileges, access to mobile phone, computer, whatever) and I would fork out for a private tutor as well.

You sound like a very reasonable parent and I admire you for speaking to the school about this, and your DH is unreasonable.

Y9 isn’t a good year.

Pre y9 pupils are children working for praise from parents and teachers. They have, or generally have, enthusiasm, innocence and a desire to do well fuelled with praise, ambition etc.

Y10(ish) pupils are now young adults - or moving that way. Something, usually, has clicked and they realise that they are working for them selves and their future. That their efforts/lack of effort will be a determining factor in their own futures. Praise and success is still a factor but so, now, is self motivation.

Y9 is no mans land, stuck between the pre y9 and post y9 mentalities.

In many respects you’ve got to gently help him through this area, allow him to see goals, possibilities and aims.

You’re unlikely to see an overnight improvement and there may be steps back but hopefully he’ll move forward gradually.

It may be cool to be the reluctant worker, the class clown - but there isn’t a GCSE in coolness or class clowning. At 16 he’ll be entering a competitive and selective world. The school’s 6th form or 6th form college don’t HAVE to have him there and again employers don’t HAVE to take him on.

He may be worried about this - many pupils are but don’t say so in as few words.

I’m afraid you husband it talking unhelpful bollocks.

“I told DH all this and he went mad. He said that the school should be doing the extra work, not us at home and that if he isn’t working in lesson then it must be because the lessons are boring or not appropriate, so it’s the teacher’s fault not DS ..........”

Perhaps you could tell him....

1. It’s not 100% teachers’ jobs to bring up children.

1. Some things we have to cover, for exams, for life, aren’t that interesting. ( just like life is.) I think the modern expression is - suck it in?

When I started teaching 35 years ago, if a child did badly it was their fault. On leaving if a child did badly it was the teacher’s fault. The truth lies somewhere between and at different points for different pupils.

Sadly society expects teachers to work wonders with everyone by themselves.

If your son was in my form I’d set aside time to talk one to one. I’d have involved you. Hopefully it would have worked, it did for some.

Some waste y10 and 11 and have to pick up the pieces later.

(We did have a mentoring scheme, I all had an hour a week off teaching and I could pull members out of my form out of lessons, or they could ask, to talk about issues, worries etc. Sadly it was too expensive to keep going, it was equivalent to one teacher ie £30,000 pa and it got cut, a shame.)

Anyway...my mini rant over

All the best.

Your dh sounds incredibly entitled. It baffles me that people seriously think like this. Does it matter whose fault anything is? You just want your ds to do well.

Could you balance the punishments and extra work, with rewards and more interesting/fun educational experiences. Nothing should be all negative, or you risk DS becoming even more withdrawn from his education.

I think you need to point out to your husband who has the most to lose here.

A teacher has maybe 8 or 9 classes of 30 children they teach in a week. So maybe 270 children. If 1 or 2 pupils out of each of the classes is failing, they can try and rectify it but it makes little difference to their overall success rate.

However, you have maybe 1 or 2 children you are responsible for and if 1 of those fails, the consequences for you and your children will be great.

Therefore it makes sense for you to do everything you can to help your child as you have the motivation and it is in your interests.

I am sure I don't need to point out the irony of your husband refusing to engage with the problem of your son refusing to engage in anything difficult. Your husband should probably think about how he engages with difficult problems and pass that wisdom on to his son. They probably are very similar.

You might want to read the guidance here, lovemusic

www.potentialplusuk.org

In an ideal world—your husband is correct. A school should be able to motivate and stimulate learning and adapt teaching methods to suit different types of learners.

In reality—the school offers the bare minimum, aimed at 'average' children. Parents who want their children (especially those who are gifted or have learning difficulties) to develop their full potential must be prepared to put in a significant amount of effort at home (and this includes the pre-school years).

I completely agree with you OP. If your DS is coasting, that is his fault and he needs to be pulled up on it. It's his own life chances he's fucking up.

A class teacher has many kids to deal with, they can't hang over one childs shoulder and hold the pencil for him/ wheedle him along all the time. That's just life - in life, doing the bare minimum gets most of us the bare minimum. Not everything in life will be perfectly tailored to you and your wants. The idea that teachers should be providing revision sessions to compensate for his laziness annoys me, too.

The world needs more parents like you, instead of enablers like your DH making excuses and blaming staff for not pandering to his snowflake.

Good for you - you are right. DH's view most odd and just unrealistic.- not thought through.

Goes without saying that you are right.

What planet is your DH living on?!

Is he an otherwise reasonable bloke? Because I can't see how any sensible, intelligent person could have that attitude.

A bit of extra work over the Christmas holidays sounds ideal as the first part of the solution. Make sure you engage with him doing some of it so he gets some more attention from you. Be encouraging and supportive, help him know that he can do it. And if there are problems that you stumble across then you can take that back to school and say, actually, here's something that needs sorting out.

Fingers crossed it will just be about catch up and a confidence boost and he can start fresh next term.