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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really hurt

9 replies

Misstomrs · 11/12/2017 22:52

My husband had a lot of issues when our DS was born. Wouldn’t hold him / be alone with him until he was around 9 months. Had counselling and diagnosed with query PTSD so I tried to give him space and support him. Our families live at least two hours away so no immediate help there. I had a traumatic birth so lots of physical issues that I just had to get on with as husband couldn’t / wouldn’t help with DS.

I now need revision surgery and DH has booked his mum to stay as he’s really busy at work and says he can’t take much time off to help with DS (I won’t be able to lift him etc).

I just feel really hurt and that he’s not prioritising me and my recovery, again. I accepted it last time because of the issues but now I just feel really hurt. AIBU?

OP posts:
CherryChasingDotMuncher · 11/12/2017 22:56

How old is your son?

He needs to get used to having your DS alone m, if heaven forbid anything happened to you he can't just move his Mum in. Also, you need your space and freedom. YANBU

Maelstrop · 11/12/2017 22:57

YANBU and I wonder what your DH is bringing to the table right now? Is he worried about losing his job?

Jakeyboy1 · 11/12/2017 23:21

YANBU. I have a friend whose husband has made it all about him each time she gives birth (they have 3!) I don't know ho she puts up with it other than she takes solace in the kids. He needs to stop running to mummy and be a dad and a husband.

MiltonTheCockroach · 11/12/2017 23:25

Can I ask what the PTSD relates to? Is it in any way significant to your situation?

Original poster
Misstomrs · 12/12/2017 07:17

Thanks everyone.

The PTSD was to do with the birth, which meant he really struggled with our DS. He has worked really hard to build a really good relationship with our DS and is now a full partner in his parenting but I do sometimes struggle to forget how hard it was doing all the nights, feeds and care giving. DH would use evasion tactics with DS when it was at its worst and say that he needed to be safe to drive for work so couldn’t do nights, needed the loo when I asked him to hold DS so I could go to the loo, didn’t feel well and didn’t want to pass it on etc

I’m worried that he’s avoiding dealing with the realities of my surgery because it’s upsetting him - hence his mum - but he’s also insisting on coming with me. It’s a local anaesthetic procedure so he wants to be in the room but I can’t risk a reversion to how he was before.

I just feel so sad as I thought we had moved past this. We were even thinking about possibly trying again in the Summer. Now I just feel like we’re back to square one, which probably is unreasonable.

He does have a very important deadline at work, which is non-negotiable, and he works incredibly hard so that I can be part time and have more time with DS.

I just feel really sad about it. I don’t want my MIL here when I feel hurt and bruised. Especially on the days DS is at nursery when I’ll just want some peace and to rest.

OP posts:
Jellybean85 · 12/12/2017 07:21

That's difficult because it's really not the same as just being lazy or not wanting to help out. PTSD isn't diagnosed lightly and it sounds like he's worked in hard in getting over it and bonding with your son?
Was it a difficult birth ? Maybe you could both do with some counselling to talk through what happened and how it affected your relationship?
Inviting his mum isn't necessarily that he doesn't want to help it sounds like he knows it's going to be tough on all of you and invited extra help. Tough situation though and I know you'd rather be on your own post op!! Thanks

Sirzy · 12/12/2017 07:24

I can understand why your not too happy but -

He does have a very important deadline at work, which is non-negotiable, and he works incredibly hard so that I can be part time and have more time with DS.*

That is pretty key and sadly sometimes just taking time off isn’t possible. He has made arrangements which mean you do have someone to help even if not ideal. Can you arrange for someone you feel comfier with with come?

Original poster
Misstomrs · 13/12/2017 18:19

Thanks everyone. I genuinely appreciate the feedback and different points of view. I think I was BU but my DH has changed his work plans without me having to say anything. I suppose that’s why I married him. Thanks again everyone.

OP posts:
Jellybean85 · 13/12/2017 20:19

Glad it all worked out, maybe let him know you really appreciate the gesture. Go easy on yourselves though. It sounds like you both had a tough time but have really come out the other side Thanks

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