Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send this message?

52 replies

GlitterFart · 11/12/2017 21:24

(Posting my first thread in AIBU, yes I am feeling brave)

A very close friend of my DP has just become a dad (about 3 weeks ago), I have met him and his partner around 5 times over the course of a few years. Always got on well with both of them and look forward to spending time with them.

Recently went round to see the new baby and drop present off and got talking to DP’s friends partner, we have common interests and she is nice, funny etc. Seems like she is struggling with having a newborn, no time to shower or eat etc as she has an unputdownable baby, my AIBU is would it be weird of me to message her offering some adult company and someone to hold baby/make some food so she can shower and nap? I would be happy to do this as I have the time, but don’t want to impose or seem intrusive!

P.s she has no family locally if this makes a difference.

OP posts:
DeadGood · 11/12/2017 22:08

"I don’t think many of the mums I know would actually be comfortable to accept offers to hold the baby in order to sleep or shower, except perhaps from a very close friend or family member.

I personally would just have appreciated low key company."

I agree, except for the last sentence. I needed alone time, not company really. Actually the best thing imo would be to offer to swing by, put the baby in the pram/sling, and then take baby off for a brief walk. 20 minutes would do it. Asks nothing of the new mother, and gives her a chance to shower or just be.

Then when you are back she has the option of inviting you in, refreshed after a little alone time.

TowerRingInferno · 11/12/2017 22:15

Please do it! I would have been overjoyed if someone had said that to me when ds1 was a baby. I felt so overwhelmed and alone.

FreshStartToday · 11/12/2017 22:17

Now I would have freaked out if you had offered to walk off with my baby as the previous poster suggested, but would have loved the offer of a bit of adult company. When you are then you could then ask if you could be of help at all, eg watch the baby whilst she has a shower, or washes up, or does whatever else she wants to do.

WeirdnessOfDoom · 11/12/2017 22:18

Please do it. I still remember the midwife telling me to put my baby down and have a shower/meal in peace and ignore his screaming. He’s had reflux and the other issues but I was willing to sacrifice everything to keep him quiet. I was so wrong...

EmmaGrundyForPM · 11/12/2017 22:19

I always remember a colleague years ago telling me about when her dd was born, probably around early 80s, and was screaming her head off, my colleague was on her knees, when the doorbell rang. It was some woman canvassing for the Labour Party who took one look at my colleague and baby and said "stick her in the pram, I'll take her canvasing with me" and promptly did so. My colleague had no idea who this woman was or whether she would ever come back with her dd, but took the time to shower and have some "Me" time.

The woman dd of course reappear with her baby.

OP, do offer. The new mum might say no but she might accept and either way I'm sure she'll appreciate the gesture.

Dozer · 11/12/2017 22:23

That’s one way of winning votes eh!

ImNotWhoYouThinkIAmOhNo · 11/12/2017 22:25

I'd offer to hold / watch baby while she showers / naps, then offer to make a snack / meal / put washing on while she has some relaxed time with her baby.

My MIL was desperate to hold newborn DD but was resentful that I was EBF her and she fed ALL the time. Cue grumpy, pouty MIL. She never offered to do anything that I would have found helpful, eg make me a coffee, put washing on, basic tidying etc. I would have killed for someone to do those things!

MamaBtoB · 11/12/2017 22:27

Oh please do it! As someone with a newborn I can tell you she will not only be happy to have some adult conversation but the thought of a long, hot shower and actually having the time to blow dry her hair will be bliss Shock
That's a really nice thing to do. You'll make a great friend in her

DeadGood · 11/12/2017 22:30

"Now I would have freaked out if you had offered to walk off with my baby as the previous poster suggested, but would have loved the offer of a bit of adult company. When you are then you could then ask if you could be of help at all, eg watch the baby whilst she has a shower, or washes up, or does whatever else she wants to do."

I wouldn't have. I was desperate for someone to take mine away for a bit.

I would, however, have baulked at the offer of a visit, because it would have meant having to tidy the house and be dressed and presentable myself.

sizeofalentil · 11/12/2017 22:35

If she says no, then you're welcome to come round mine and hold my baby when she's born later this month.

Namow · 11/12/2017 22:37

Yep - that's how friends are made. :)

steppemum · 11/12/2017 22:46

Please offer, she can always sya no, but even havign someone offer may make her feel supported. You may just get into a texting friendship which blossoms later

f83mx · 11/12/2017 22:47

Defo do it - but word it that you want to spend time with the baby and her rather than help - although a lovely thing if she's feeling slightly frazzled there is small possibility of taking offence if she thinks she comes across like she needs help (if you know what i mean!)

Dilligaf81 · 11/12/2017 22:48

Op howlovely are you. Send the message, what's the worst that can happen?

drinkyourmilk · 11/12/2017 22:49

I would have cried in relief if you had asked me. Do it.

NellMangel · 11/12/2017 22:55

Send it. I also would've loved the offer, and if you brought cake and made your own hot drink I'd have wept with joy.

PersonAtHome · 11/12/2017 22:57

Given everyone's different responses, it sounds safest to get in touch and offer a range of possibilities and leave the decision up to her... 'be great to see you and the baby, no need to tidy up or anything, I'd be happy to come round and look after the baby if you need some time to yourself or we could just have a cuppa or meet in a cafe if that suits you better'... type thing. Offer help but give her a get out option in case she doesn't want to feel she has to host or tidy.

PersonAtHome · 11/12/2017 22:58

ps you sound a lovely friend and I'd have definitely bitten your hand off. Though I would also have worried about my messy house and maybe felt a bit too self conscious to go and shower if I hadn't known you for years.

Potteryprincess30 · 11/12/2017 22:59

Definitely offer but also add that if she declines or doesn't respond for any reason you would absolutely understand and just to reach out to you if she needs anything.

The anxiety & fear of offending for some people, especially with a newborn, when dealing with social arrangements can be stressful. Even amazing, helpful arrangements!
Saying that you'd totally understand if she's not up for it will ensure she feels no pressure at all Smile

AhhhhThatsBass · 11/12/2017 22:59

Do it. Let us know what she says.

MyBabyIsPerfect · 11/12/2017 23:05

No harm in asking. If it were me I wouldn’t take you up on it as I can manage to shower, eat etc and don’t really need the help but I’d still appreciate the offer. My baby is very chilled so I think I have it easy.

I had a neighbour offer to cook me some freezer diners when my baby was young, I said thanks but no thanks as my baby was a month old, I could cook dinner with no problems and I’d just been for a cycle that day so was hardly an invalid! But it was a kind offer and no harm in them offering. It’s nice to offer.

MiltonTheCockroach · 11/12/2017 23:13

It's a lovely idea, and even if all she wants is a cup of tea and a chat then she knows you're there for her.

Sketchily · 11/12/2017 23:20

I nearly cried once when someone offered to make me a cup of tea in this situation OP. You sound lovely and it’s so nice to offer. She can always say no but at the very least would probably welcome the adult company.

Sketchily · 11/12/2017 23:20

Cried with happiness by the way!

Original poster
GlitterFart · 13/12/2017 12:51

I sent it, along the lines of I have a couple of days off in the week and I’m around if you ever fancy a coffee. She did indeed bite my hand off so I’m popping over on Monday.

Thanks for all your advice everyone Smile

OP posts: