To not buy Ex's school photos?

[AngelOfMusic]

I contacted my Ex about ordering school photos, he wanted me to order a package for him and his family which I did and I told him how much it would be.

He pays maintenance every month (£400+) and he thinks that the money that I receive should be used to by his school photos for himself and his family as it's to do with the children and he pays maintenance.

I don't think that's right but would love to hear what others think.

Do nothing. About any of it. Don't arrange his contact either (I assume you do all the chasing to make it happen).

If he is bothered about any of it he will make an effort to be involved. If he's not bothered nothing you do will change that and you are all best off if that comes out sooner rather than later.

Remind him of nothing, update him on nothing, let him subscribe to the school emails etc. If he asks when is the next appointment of course tell him but leave it at that. He will be there or he won't. Do nothing.

A man who cares about his children will do all the legwork to be involved.

I guess you tried to make him be a good parent when married but that failed. You don't have to take responsibility for his relationship with his children. You can't.

Have to laugh at the though of him not paying for the photos and effectively making his kids having to do without something to subsidise this - the same photos I'm guessing he'll plaster all over the place publically as 'proof' what a good dad he is...

How did you let such a gem slip through your fingers?

I also learned the hard way to let him fail if he's gonna fail, it's exhausting trying to make him be an engaged parent and doesn't do the kids any favours either, it's merely deferring the inevitable.

And no it's not out of the maintenance - that's for the DC and for their living costs.

What a prick. You’re being nice and he’s throwing it back in your face. What a prize prat.

DH is on the school contact list for DSC, gets his own copies of school reports, appointments at parents evenings, tickets to plays, times for assemblies and yes, our own copies of school photos. He’s an equal parent and equally responsible for sorting out child related things. He pays child support and spousal maintenance but that doesn’t stop him paying for his own photos. Your ex is having a laugh!

Your intentions are kind but you can and should stop being his PA and just leave him to bother to stay involved or not. His loss if it’s the latter.

I've always contacted him about school photos and how the appointments go, perhaps I should stop

STOP

Maybe a polite “photos are available, contact the school if you're interested"

No way. Seriously cheeky of him. YANBU. Maintenance is for the children, not for his photos of them! I’m fuming reading this. Please don’t even consider it and send him a link to this thread if he kicks off.

Maybe a polite “photos are available, contact the school if you're interested"

wouldn't even do this unless I was really good friends with him and he picked up the slack in other areas. He is an ex. You are no longer responsible for any part of his life. it is not your circus/not your monkey except when it comes to the welfare of your children. Their dad having a photo of them doesn't impact their welfare. He wants photos then he organises it.

Rather than argue with him, I'd have the kids give him a couple of photos for christmas and then never do this again. Stop telling him how appointments are going too. he should be going to these appointments and he should be asking and supporting.

Sorry if I wasn't clear, I sent him a picture of the school photo and the packages available, he selected the package and messaged me and I messaged back 'ok, package A for £11.50?' So I was clear on pricing. He then confirmed that's what he wanted and has since then decided that he gives me enough money to cover the costs for the photos.

We also don't do Birthday or Christmas gifts for each other from the DC.

Thank you for all your replies, it's opened my eyes. I can be a pushover and very naive so you've helped me see the situation from a different angle.

So, have you ordered it and paid?

I have ordered it and paid yes.

What a plonker he is. He has 2 children with autism, an ex who does all of the appointments etc, gives the sum of 200 per month for each child and is arguing about 11.50. So glad he is an ex.

Try and get a refund. Then think about whether grandparents or other relatives might like prints. If you have any left, gift them to him for Christmas but not from the kids, because you don't want him to think that's going to be a thing!

Nope. Tell him to get fucked CF

Agree with PP, unless he pays keep the pictures and give them to your family as presents. He’s a cheeky beggar.