To have tackled this and not just "let it slide"?

[ThinkIveBeenHacked]

Namechanged as revealing.

Six years ago my aunts boyfriend was invited to the evening part of our wedding. We had a tiny ceremony/meal with immediate family and then friends and wider family invited to the party.

Auntie was offended that her boyfriend wasnt invited to the whole day, though after a conversation about it accepted. Reasons were (1)we dont really know him (2) instances where we have been in his company in the past he is rude and offensive (3) we only wanted a tiny ceremony - shy. (4) there were other boyfriends girlfriends we didnt know who just joined us on the evening.

Disclaimer:- if anyone chose to decline the invites because of this, I would have been fine with that. No obligations. No gifts asked for etc.

On the evening, Aunts Bf (call him Bob), acted like a complete dick. He kept reminding us of aunts infertility, demanded we regularly send our baby (pregnant at the wedding) to theirs "we will spoil the baby so much it will come back fucking hating you". Said it was shit that my dad didnt foot thw bill for the wedding (no idea how he knew that or why he cared) declaring "your dad has fucked you over". He made derogatory comments about guests to other guests. He told my dh he was going to force money onto us to pay for the wedding "im going to knock you out so you cant refuse it". I had guests coming to me and asking who this person was, have they gatecrashed? He wrote spiteful comments in our wedding guestbook.

Dh and I ended up discussing it all well into the early hours of our wedding night unfortunately.

I asked aunt to meet with me a few days after the wedding and explained how upset i was, that if I had my time again I wouldnt invite him to he evening. And did she appreciate now why he wasnt extended a daytime invite. She made excuses for him. Said it was the drink.

I said that due to his actions he would not be welcome in our home, nor would I go to his, and considering his comments about the baby we wouldnt be introducing any of our children to him. Aunt was told she was always welcome in our home, happy to meet with her out and about, but didnt want anything further to do with bob.

Aunt accepted and life went on. I have seen him once since in passing and was cordial. The kids werent around. I see aunt maybe once every 3 months or so in passing.

Fast forward to today. Our boiler has been off for a week. We have had a boilerman out who was unable to repair it so we went straight to the manufacturer who came out today on their earliest appointment. Thankfully all is up and running now and dh put a facebook post up celebrating and passing on thanks to those who helped with heaters/showers/tumble dryers etc.

Aunt commented three times saying we should have just asked Bob to fix it.

I didnt even know thats what Bob does, and even if I had, why on earth would I do that? I didnt acknowledge the comments in any way as I really didnt want to get into it publicly, nor did I want to lie (oooh I didnt know thanks will get in touch with him next time etc).

I then got a private message again asking why. "I know you dont like him but he would have done it".

Ffs. As if to say "whatever your petty reasons for disliking him he is willing to overlook that for you" I read it as.

So I responded to say that whilst I appreciate the gesture, I stand by the conversation she and i had 6 years ago and in the interests of not being hypocritical wouldnt ask that of him.

She appeared to have forgotten so asked me to go into it. I said "ok if you want to go through it again when are you free to meet?" I had and still have no intention of going into any of this with her via a keyboard abd w9uld rather just meet and have a conversation.

She then said "everyone is different when they are drunk, people do a lot worse than this, does this mean I wont go to their house or if they get married?"

I just said I stand by what I said six years ago, and if she isnt happy about that then I appreciate she feels the way she does and thats that.

dh said "I would have just said that the boiler was so knackerer we needed the manufacturer".

Thanks for reading thia far. Aibu to have not just left it?

Good grief, sincerest apologies and all round to anyone who waded through that.

Cheaper than therapy this!

I think that is is good when sticking to your principles (especially when nothing has changed in 6 years) so I agree, why would you have even asked. Your Aunt is being as ignorant now as she was then.

Had he come to us at any point and apologised for his behaviour we couls have maybe met halfway.

It seems really churlish to say to aunt "people are forgiven when they apologise. Its been six years and I am still waiting for mine".

Name change fail?

YANBU. I hold grudges. I don’t see why I should forgive and forget atrocious behaviour because it makes someone else uncomfortable. Don’t behave like a complete bellend and you won’t be treated like one.

Your aunt knows fine why he isnt welcome in your home she is just trying to turn it round to be your fault and make you the bad guy fir not asking him about the boiler.
I would just send a quick "Look we had to get manufacturer out as engineer couldn't fix it so lets just leave it at that. I dont want to rake over what happened at my wedding his behaviour bad enough at the time i dont want to relive it."

Btw i woukd have had him thrown out after first couple if incidents if it was my wedding. And as for your aunt excusing him i wouldnt be happy about that either, you owe them nothing.

Shite

Its not holding grudges if Bob hasn't apologised or taken steps to change his behaviour, its just protecting yourself and family from further harm. If Bob is an arsehole when he drinks then continuing to drink makes him an arsehole. Ergo, Bob is still an arsehole and you're better off without.

Six years is a long time, people can change.

But it sounds like Bob hasn't, otherwise he'd have apologised for being such a bellend at your wedding.

Maybe she/he/they saw it as an opportunity to build bridges.

Bob was a nob. 6 years is a long time, maybe Bob has reformed some of his nobbish ways?

An apology would be nice but maybe offering to fix your boiler was the apology?

Maybe Tess but an apology 5 or 6 years ago would have been cheaper and a lot less hassle.

Lets not forget, I didnt know this was his job and up until the fb thanks went on she didnt know our boiler was off.

I feel that shes done this via fb to be public about it all.

I don’t think you were unreasonable, but equally I can’t see any good reason to drag it all up again and go through it all again. What does it achieve? Bob probably won’t care and you and your Aunt are both upset all over again.

I don’t see anything wrong with your DH approach. Just saying “thanks for the offer, but the manufacturer had to be involved” and you wouldn’t need to have any more drama.

She probably did do it on Facebook to be public and make a point.

However you did the right thing by not joining in publically, equally you don’t have to get dragged into her drama in person either.

I love this picture.

"Aunt commented three times saying we should have just asked Bob to fix it."
Three times? Your aunt is being a dick. It's probably rubbed off of Bob and on to her.

TBH I would have been annoyed about Aunt at wedding too. If he was so drunk and dreadfully behaved at the wedding that other people noticed why didn’t Aunt ask him to leave?

Personally I would quietly remove Aunt from FB.

I’m also somewhat unconvinced that adults “change over time”.

Stroppy kids can grow up to be nice adults but unless something radical happens to them most adults don’t really change.

YANBU
End of.

I don't see why you would've thought to ask him to fix your boiler - but 6 years is a very long time to hold onto a grudge. I wouldn't have the energy.

Love that pic note

I have already hidden her Ben so I miss most of the comments generally as her feed is usually quite dramatic.

Shoes It takes no effort. I have not expended one gram of energy on all of this since the initial conversation six years ago.

Then I got the message today. Thats it.

Sorry OP, I was being flippant - it didn't come across well. You are perfectly entitled not to see this man, of course.

These things are always tricky but honestly, I think you've handled this all really well.

Thanks sand.

He sounds awful. What I find hardest to believe is not you holding a 6-year-grudge but that your aunt is still with him!!!

I admire you for sticking to the decision you made those years ago. We have 2 similar arrangements with family members. It’s kept the bile of this man it of your lives for 6 years and I imagine your aunt has not forgotten why you made the decision.

She hopes to remove the arrangement by making you beholden to Bob the repairman. Good on you for sticking by your words.