Disorganised husband - sick of it!

[Msqueen33]

My dh isn’t a bastard but his organisation is poor very poor. For instance he never sent his sperm sample to be checked after he had a vasectomy. We have two children with Sen and I couldn’t cope with more. Last week was my birthday and he didn’t get me a present or one from the kids and brought a card from them on the day. I’ve asked him to help sort me life insurance (he’s very financial) in October and it’s still not done. He does well at work but his last boss noticed he’s not organised (though as he’s very clever at figures he can think on his feet). He washes up, hangs out the washing but I’d like him to do more educationally with the kids as I’m on my knees caring for them and carrying the mental load of worry. I’m currently trying to get my youngest into a Sen school. I’m fucking sick of his lack of ability to organise. He sets alarms on his phone but then just snoozes them for things. The laziness over my birthday has really upset me as it’s not the first time. How do I make him more organised? Leaving him isn’t an option as I’m unable to work due to the kids. Or do I accept his laziness?

How do I make him more organised? You cant. Only he can do that. It would be a deal breaker (as they say on MN) for me. The birthday thing would really upset me. What can you do? Talk to him. Tell him. And if he doesnt change then leave. Thats what I would do.

Bear in mind that organisation is completely unnatural to some people - it's not that they're too lazy, it's just that it doesn't click the same in their brain. Have you tried visual reminders? Like a calendar or wall chart with dates / events / must-dos on it?

The fact that it's been picked up on at work tells me it's potentially not something he does on purpose. Not everyone is great on the organisation front.

I find being organised comes completely natural to me and I admit I struggle to understand people forgetting to do basic things. DP isn't naturally organised but he does remember the important things - birthdays, insurance/tax/MOT time - he pays all his bills on time etc.

It sounds to me like he's potentially more practical than education-focused? I think that's quite common. I know people who are amazing at physical tasks but really struggle to remember/cope with mental tasks - and that goes for men and women.

Has he always been like this?

Sometimes I think it’s just he’s lazy then other times it’s like he’s just not wired that way. The birthday thing I have found really hurtful. His lack of effort. He’s not an overly romantic person but it would be nice to feel appreciated.

You don't say what SEN your kids have, but if its an ASD issue you could look into whether you husband is also on the spectrum? I know I've only read one post, but lots of sounds like the way adults with Asperger's can behave.

@deepestdarkestperu he’s really good at the financial stuff. Bills all paid. Tax and MOTs sorted. He can organise his snooker. I feel like he shuffles things into “doesn’t have much appeal” so they get pushed to the back of his brain. I’m naturally very organised and I think being that way I resent the fact he’s not.

Ah okay. Maybe he doesn't bother with things that don't have consequences for him?

I mean, he knows he has to pay his bills or he'll get into debt. He knows he needs to sort out car tax/MOT or he won't be able to drive. Same with the housework - he needs clean clothes so he does laundry, and he needs to eat so he makes sure there's clean dishes. But if there's no immediate consequence for something, he doesn't bother?

Men are like dogs (and i suspect women are too but as i'm straight i dont know) - always best to give them immediate feedback if they have done something wrong and not hang on in silence for weeks/months and then blurt it out angrily.

did you explain to him at the time on your birthday that it wasn't fucking good enough, and make him redo it all the next day so you got a decent present?

do you tell him he is sh1t at organising things as and when he fucks them up?

if not, why not? Are you training him to be a mind reader? People learn to change when they realise it is more hassle not to change.

My DH is like this too. He does his fair share at home after work but he doesn't give any forethought to anything. For instance he has known about his works 'do' last Saturday for months but decides to call his sister last minute on the Friday evening for a hair cut and then spends an hour after that trying to find something to wear at the shops!

If it affects me or the kids I have a rant but I just leave him to it if its for him.

Men are not like dogs . Dh is super organised way better than me. Hate lazy generalisations which funnily enough usually serve to absolve lazy men

I think as you don't feel you could live without him you will need to 'force' him to step up in ways you want him to. Or you could decide to leave and get the kids into appropriate childcare and get back to work yourself, if that felt better. Is that an option, would that be an option when they are both school age?

Has he had his sperm checked yet? Could there be a no sex rule until he has?

Either buy your own lovely gifts and leave them in a bag with wrapping paper and ribbons in a bag on his chest as he sleeps the day before your birthday.

Or simply buy your own gifts and get him nothing for his birthday.

Spend at least one night or weekend afternoon per week going out and doing your own thing, making new friends and forging the life you want, while he looks after the kids.

Tell him you will engage a financial expert to help you sort out your life insurance if he won't.

Do you love him, does he love you? If the answer to these is yes, how about counselling to help work out the other bits?

Dyslexia? People forget that it is possible to be dyslexic and exceptionally academically bright. It is associated with poor organisational skills.

What you do about it is another matter. It sounds like it is damaging your marriage at the moment. That needs addressing in two ways. You need to set out clear expectations and give practical tips on how to ensure he meets them. You probably also need to rekindle the affectionate side of your marriage, and that might involve giving you both some time away from the kids to enjoy each other's company. Perhaps grandparents could help out?

Strategic incompetence is a real thing.

He can organise the things he's interested in but not what he's not.

I imagine you have exhausted all avenues of communication with him, tried charts / reminders.

If you have and he stills sees things as wifework, you might have to consider whether you are essentially a single parent right now.

Setting aside financial considerations, what do you like about him? What are his redeeming features?

How do I make him more organised?

Not sure you can, unless he wants to change and is receptive to strategies that might help him to do so