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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not drive dd 20 miles out of my way to meet boyf today?

55 replies

tactum · 11/12/2017 07:45

My DM is seriously ill 120 miles away and I am having to go and stay with her this am - a bad enough journey in these conditions, which logically I probably shouldn't be doing and it will be an exhausting, stressful and very upsetting 2 day visit when I get there.

Dd is really cross with me as school is shut so she wants to spend the day with her new boyfriend who lives 20 miles in the opposite direction and I am refusing to drive her there, as it would add another hour to my journey and potentially put me in a ditch unable to get to my mum - public transport isn't running!

I don't think IABU at all and am shocked at how selfish she is being. What do you think?!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 11/12/2017 08:38

YANBU

Wolfiefan · 11/12/2017 08:41

At that age most teens think they are the centre of the universe. And of course nobody has ever felt love like this. Ever!
YANBU. If you're away where is she tonight?

deepestdarkestperu · 11/12/2017 08:44

Ah she's a teenager I think being a bit cheeky and self-centred is normal.

If her boyfriends mum isn't working, can she not come and collect DD and drop her home?

whiskyowl · 11/12/2017 08:48

YANBU. I understand she wants to see her boyfriend, but your family emergency comes so much higher on the list of priorities. Yes, it's not ideal for her, but this is a lesson in the give-and-take of adulthood.

caffelatte100 · 11/12/2017 08:50

Very selfish behaviour on her part.

It's a school day and so shouldn't she be working independently on her school work. I bet she has plenty she can be getting on with.

HotelEuphoria · 11/12/2017 08:53

She's 15, fifteen year olds frequently don't think beyond their selves and the actual moment. It's why so many get into trouble and have accidents.

Explain rationally that it is impossible for you to take her, she should really be doing school work, and that she should have more compassion for her ill GM. Then close the conversation.

Do not get into any further discussion or feel guilty.

ivenoideawhatimdoing · 11/12/2017 09:03

If you're feeling very generous, could you offer to take half way if her BF's mum picks her up?

Failing that. Give her a fiver and make her get the bloody bus!

BakedBeeeen · 11/12/2017 09:14

Sounds like normal teenage behaviour to me! You just need to say no, your grandmother is the priority. I was a sulky selfish teen, I would probably have felt the same as your DD in the same situation.

therealposieparker · 11/12/2017 09:30

Extinct...

I am not the best parent but I do have kind and considerate teenagers.... fancy that. Being an objectionable selfish person is not a requirement of being a teen and it is completely about the expectations you have of your children.

I think we all know what sort of teenagers you have.....

BitOutOfPractice · 11/12/2017 09:38

Oh Rosie I do hope your pride doesn't come before a fall.

Op yanbu. Your dd is. But I think that self centred world view is very common amongst teens. My two are very lovely usually but often, due to hormones / teen thinking / lack of life experience or whatever can not grasp that their needs aren't top priority. I agree with the PP who said that you need to calmly explain once why the lift isn't happening and close the conversation down.

Have a safe journey sbd hope your DM is ok

dameglittersparkles · 11/12/2017 09:51

YADNBU
My 17 year old DD wouldn't dare demand at me or DH like this under normal circumstances never mind circumstances like yours. Stand your ground and tell her she's a brat!

therealposieparker · 11/12/2017 10:02

Oh Dit....

I find your kids can only be what you expect, mine are not perfect by any stretch but they are kind. No wonder we're in such a state in this country when people think being a selfish arsehole is part of being a teenager.

BrizzleDrizzle · 11/12/2017 10:05

*I am not the best parent but I do have kind and considerate teenagers.... fancy that. Being an objectionable selfish person is not a requirement of being a teen and it is completely about the expectations you have of your children.

I think we all know what sort of teenagers you have.....*

and I think we all know what kind of mother your teenagers have.

NovemberWitch · 11/12/2017 10:17

I’ve often thought that the egocentric and Bolshie late teen phase is so when it comes time to boot them out of the nest for a life of independent adulthood, a small part of you is secretly cheering. Lessens the pain of separation.

dancinfeet · 11/12/2017 10:22

She is being self centred. Tell her 'no' and get on with your plans. She is making her problem into your problem, hand it right back to her!

If the boyfriend wants to see her so badly, let his parents collect her and drive her home. Other than that, it's not going to happen.

corythatwas · 11/12/2017 10:27

People can be selfish and unthinking when disappointed about something they have been looking forward to. It doesn't mean you have reared a selfish madam, OP, or that she has to go on being self-centred all her life. All it means is, yes you should refuse, yes you should point out that right at the moment you are the one who needs emotional support (since she can't lend you practical), yes you should pull her up about it. But then you should forget it. Let tomorrow be a new day, don't start thinking that this is Who She Is. I'm sure you've done a fine job as a parent. This was a blip. Flowers

user1andonly · 11/12/2017 10:36

Yanbu and your DD will probably realise it in a few years!

Travel safe and Flowers for your mum.

user1andonly · 11/12/2017 10:38

Cross posted with corythatwas - lovely post and I agree 100%

I can think of a few incidents of awful selfishness and end of the world upset over daft stuff when I was a teen. I like to think I am a perfectly reasonable person now!

SacreBlue · 11/12/2017 10:56

YNBU at all and I say that as a mum of a v considerate 19yr old who at 15 would have got on his bike himself and gone.

If she’s not got a bike or isn’t that confident about riding one maybe that’s something you could discuss. Mines been self mobile for ages, we live in Belfast so easy enough to ride about even with me worrying about him being out late or in bad weather but I know it may not be an option for everyone.

Maybe a chat over Christmas (Freegle or whatever may have bikes on after that if folks are upgrading) and she could be able to be up & running herself without needing to always ask for lifts. Healthy too! Mine does about 30-40miles about 3/4 times a week and it’s great as there’s no way we could run two cars. (Watch out for increasing food bills though, he’s a bottomless pit in that regard & still like a whippet)

I hope your mum is better soon Flowers and safe journey.

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 11/12/2017 11:06

I agree that it would be ridiculous to drive that far in the wrong direction when you need to get to your mum.
Just a thought though - is dd more upset than she's letting on about her grandma being ill and would rather be with boyfriend and his mum today due to this? Happy to be told I'm wrong but just wonder if the situation and your stress is affecting her x

SlothMama · 11/12/2017 11:09

YANBU
I wouldn't take her, I'd go to my Mum

overnightangel · 11/12/2017 11:46

YA defo NBU

extinctspecies · 11/12/2017 13:04

This reply has been deleted

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BitOutOfPractice · 11/12/2017 13:08

SacreBlue I'm all for teens being indepenedent but I think cycling 40 miles in snow, on icy roads, with the second half probably in the dark, might be a bit of a big ask! Grin

Janetjanetjanet · 11/12/2017 13:09

Are you kidding or what?

YANBU.

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