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AIBU?

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Original poster

Will I ever get over it?

18 replies

SnowShovel · 10/12/2017 21:26

NC as a bit outing.

I've loved someone and he's loved me for nearly ten years. I couldn't be with him ten years ago and I can't be with him now because I am married and have two children. Ten years ago I was single and utterly in love with him but he was affianced and going through a terrible time with his ex wife taking his children (then 17 and 14) to the other end of the earth with her new bloke. He has apologised to me for treating me badly and has expressed his deepest regret that he let the ship sail when I ended our brief affair. I knew he wouldn't have the strength to leave and I hated what I felt I was doing to his innocent and unaware fiancée.

The thing is we still love each other, I think about him every day. Will I ever ever stop? It's almost like a comfort blanket. FWIW I would never ever act on my feelings. He is 15 years older than me. My marriage is ever so uncomfortable and I am in an EA and controlling relationship. If it ever ended I would need a long time to unravel the hurts that I feel. I habe self-harmed and attempted to take my own life becsuse of depression and control and the situation at home (completely unrelated ylang-ylang this question but I guess needs saying).

Anyone ever got over a true love?

OP posts:
Original poster
SnowShovel · 10/12/2017 21:27

Ylang-ylang?? WTF???

I have no idea.

OP posts:
kitkatsky · 10/12/2017 22:07

Yes. I met a truer love. I still think of original love, but I realise now that the way he treated me when times were bad was not ok regardless of apologies and how good things were when times were perfect. My truer love is different in every way to original love except in the way he makes me feel about myself in the best of times, but more importantly in our not so good times

SilverdaleGlen · 10/12/2017 22:09

I think you need to break this down, there is every possibility you can't get him out of your head because living in a fantasy is easier than dealing with your abusive relationship.

You need to leave your current situation and then consider the other man. Call women's aid?

Frustrationqueen · 10/12/2017 22:14

I agree with silverdaleglen

Stompythedinosaur · 10/12/2017 22:16

I think you are in love with the idea of a relationship with this person rather than the reality of it.

It seems like you have a lot to loose by pursuing a relationship.

Yes, people get over everything given enough time.

ElvisIsAliveAndLivingInHull · 10/12/2017 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

condepetie · 10/12/2017 22:19

Yep, never felt that I was "over" my first love, but I haven't seen him in a decade and know that he's a different person, as am I, and whatever feelings I harbour for him now are entirely irrelevant today.

You sound like you need to look after yourself first and foremost, whether that's getting help for your depression or getting away from your abusive relationship. Deal with the things that are harming you first, then think about him as a possibility again. You might find that once you're away from the things that are making you so unhappy, it doesn't matter any more.

I know it feels impossible but if your relationship is abusive and controlling then getting away from it is the first step towards sorting yourself out.

condepetie · 10/12/2017 22:22

@ElvisIsAliveAndLivingInHull

There's no need for that really is there. It's not like it's a weird term to use.

StefMay · 10/12/2017 22:27

What Silverdaleglen says.
Sort your current relationship first. You need to be able to see things clearly or you may go from frying pan to the fire.

ElvisIsAliveAndLivingInHull · 10/12/2017 22:31

@condepetie

There's no need for that really is there. It's not like it's a weird term to use.

Err yeah it is. Who the fuk says 'affianced?' Confused

Never heard anyone say it in my life; the only place you would possibly hear it, is in a cheesy novel.

cue a dozen people saying they say it all the time!

They don't

Sancerresanwine · 10/12/2017 22:36

Err elvis why don't you jog onto someone else's thread?

For sure as others say work out how to leave the abusive relationship and depression first.

Hope you're OK op Flowers

ElvisIsAliveAndLivingInHull · 10/12/2017 22:38

Err, @Sancerresanwine I will post exactly where I want thanks.

Who the hell made YOU the forum police?! Confused

Do one mate.

Poshindevon · 10/12/2017 22:44

Ten years ago you had a brief affair, with a divorced older man who was engaged to someone else. This is not true love you are living in a fantasy of what might have been. What happened to the fiancee did older man dump her or marry her?
Instead of mooning over lost love you need to sort yourself out, starting with your marriage.

ElvisIsAliveAndLivingInHull · 10/12/2017 22:52

Well said @poshindevon

Original poster
SnowShovel · 10/12/2017 22:56

No creative writing course here...just my sense of humour. Of course it's not what we say in day to day life. Bit thanks anyway.

Thanks for feedback everyone...helpful or otherwise.

Sensible lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
SnowShovel · 10/12/2017 22:58

Married her btw. Several years on and it looks like.they are going their separate ways.

OP posts:
Nottheduchessofcambridge · 10/12/2017 23:06

I’m still stuck on ylang-ylang, isn’t that a perfume of the nineties?

Original poster
SnowShovel · 10/12/2017 23:25

Ylang-ylang. Yes. Think room fragrance as well. Mmmm.

OP posts:
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