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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to not want sex while BF?

16 replies

Jumperoux · 10/12/2017 21:01

And it's not improving with time! Thought sex drive would be back after healed from birth - no; maybe it would be back once DD started on solids - no; perhaps when I got my body back to 'normal' - no; well surely when she started to sleep through more regularly - no; what about when she started to drop some daytime feeds - no.

Poor DH.

OP posts:
jellypi3 · 10/12/2017 21:06

Same here. My libido only really picked up after I night weaned DD. It's difficult.

RedPandaMama · 10/12/2017 21:10

My DD is 4 months old and we've only had sex once since she was born. I feel awful for DP - he's ever so lovely and patient but I do feel sex is a big part of a relationship and really used to enjoy it, I just don't now.

I think a lot of it is an innate thing. While BFing your body knows you have a small baby and therefore feels you should have no desire to make another one. Also the whole thing of spending hours a day having someone touching your body and using it as sustenance doesn't exactly make you feel sexy... more like a fuel pump Grin I'm hoping it'll all come back in the future.

nutbrownhare15 · 10/12/2017 21:12

It's ok not to want to. As a similar mum I also think, poor you! It's exhausting being a mother of a small child, breastfeeding is just one part of that. If you would like to want to do it however buy a copy of Come as you are by Emily Nagoski.

tappitytaptap · 10/12/2017 21:14

This was me too. I hate to say it but sex drive only came back when we switched to formula at 8 months.

HughLauriesStubble · 10/12/2017 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MatriarchalDreams · 10/12/2017 21:19

Have your periods returned yet? My libido only returned once I'd started regularly ovulating again - I breastfed DD for years and it was certainly very different in the second half of that time. Now have second baby and again no libido but not too concerned as am pretty confident it'll return again at some point. I know it feels like ages at the time but in the grand scheme of things (assuming long-term relationship) it's just part of the ebb and flow of a sexual relationship.

lurkingnotlurking · 10/12/2017 21:20

This is going to be outing... My libido only starts coming back after a year

tiptopteepe · 10/12/2017 21:22

Its hard to get back into and sometimes it does take a little bit of effort.

If you are completely repulsed by the idea of course dont do it but if its just that you cant really imagine doing and you dont feel that sexy it might be good to just set aside some time to 'have a bit of a go'.... lol and by that i mean not necessarily having full sex but just spending some romantic time together and maybe trying to touch each other a bit etc
It does feel weird if you havent done it in a very long time but sometimes its just about putting in effort with the first steps of it. It might end up being pretty good once you get back into it.

Obviously thats not the case with everyone but for me my personal experience after having my child was that I did have to put a little effort into feeling sexy again.
I wasnt used to that because previously I had never had to put in any effort as i had had quite a high sex drive naturally.

It is true that the more sex you have the more you end up wanting and not having sex for a long time reduces some womens sex drives. Also when you are focusing on your child all the time and its feeding from you its hard to feel like a sexual being again. I do think it takes a bit of effort in making space and time for that.

Disclaimer: I am in no way advocating doing anything that you truley do not feel like doing. If you really really dont want to have sex then dont. But if its just that you like the thought of it but feel totally 'icky' when it actually comes down to it, then maybe putting some effort into making time to be romantic again and getting past that initial stage of getting used to being touched again, is the way forward

Original poster
Jumperoux · 11/12/2017 10:18

Thank you all. I do think it's libido because I don't even want to have a wank!

OP posts:
Bumpsadaisie · 11/12/2017 10:22

My sex drive came back with a bang when youngest went into year 1 and eldest was 8. Suddenly I didn't feel like a mother of infants any more.

In the 8 years running up to that point, I did fancy it very very occasionally. But most of the time I would go along with it and find I enjoyed it and wanted it once we got going. But in that 8 years DH very much had to be the instigator as it wouldn't have crossed my mind otherwise!

The other day I initiated and DH said he was too tired! We both laughed! That hasnt happened for a LONG time.

lurkingnotlurking · 11/12/2017 10:23

It'll get better. It must be rubbish for our partners but there it is. We're just coming out the other side of it now (young toddler)

limon · 11/12/2017 10:24

Yanbu. Mine went completely after having DD who is now almost 6. Just not there any more.

afrikat · 11/12/2017 10:24

I'm still bf at 18 months and NEVER in the mood. Feel awful for poor DH

limon · 11/12/2017 10:25

Ps I also breast fed and am peri-menopausal.

lurkingnotlurking · 11/12/2017 10:25

Oh no limon. I'm really sorry

Halfdrankbrew · 11/12/2017 10:40

It completely kills my sex drive, especially before weaning. It came back about 9months after I had my first, I got pregnant with our second then! Now I have a toddler and a small baby I can't see it returning in the next 3 years!!! I find although I don't have the desire to leap on my husband at the moment, if he does actually initiate it I enjoy it very much. Having 2 under 2 this doesn't happen often, there never seems to be a window in time where we are alone and not asleep Grin!

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