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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Checking dp phone

17 replies

Need2morehands · 10/12/2017 07:14

I'm aware checking his phone is already a bad idea but after finding out about a serious gambling problem last year checking his phone every so often keeps me sane. On the whole I trust him but every now and then doubt creeps in and I can't help but snoop. Iv now seen he's been watching porn which isn't so much my issue it's the titles of these videos I'm not comfortable with to me they are degrading and a bit extreme. But my problem is how do I go about bringing up this conversation? Obviously it means admitting I still don't trust him I'm just struggling how to begin. Please help.

OP posts:

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 10/12/2017 07:19

So he is a problem gambler and he hates women? The discussion should go something like this:

You: “please pack your things and be out by Friday.”

Him: who knows because you’ve left the room.

MumGoneMild · 10/12/2017 07:19

Any conversation that started with "I've been going through your phone and..." wouldn't end well here.
Would you be ok with him going through your private things?

MumGoneMild · 10/12/2017 07:20

Sorry cut myself off

You either trust him and stay or don't trust him and leave.
Checking his stuff on the sly and living in doubt isn't worth it.
Leave and find someone you trust

Hassled · 10/12/2017 07:24

The problem isn't that you went through his phone - the problem is that he has a dodgy porn habit which makes you uncomfortable.

Original poster

Need2morehands · 10/12/2017 07:29

I know we're not in a good place and the fact I don't trust him is a massive problem but we have a new baby together (I didn't know about the gambling when I was pregnant) and I'm really hoping to work things out but finding this out has just taken me back to square one.

Also him going through my phone wouldn't bother me but I'm aware it would be a trust issue on his part if he did.

OP posts:

WhooooAmI24601 · 10/12/2017 07:32

Obviously it means admitting I still don't trust him

He lost your trust when he put his addiction above his relationship with you. He should be the one bending over backwards to earn it back, you shouldn't be feeling uncomfortable because you're worrying (and with good reason).

araiwa · 10/12/2017 07:35

Leave him. You dont trust him.

I also wouldnt read too much in to porn titles- for example loads of incest themed titles which are just 2 people having sex not actual son and mother etc. Its bizarre

Original poster

Need2morehands · 10/12/2017 07:40

I'm just clinging to hope that we can get some trust back.

I haven't ever clicked on the websites so you could be right which is a bit of a relief.

OP posts:

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 10/12/2017 08:58

You probably should check those websites. You might not want him to be around your kid if he’s into some messed up stuff.

Original poster

Need2morehands · 10/12/2017 09:12

I have just checked them I don't know why I didn't before I just read the titles. They are nothing to do with children in any way shape or form just sex that I find a bit extreme.

OP posts:

GunnyHighway · 10/12/2017 09:31

The problem isn't that you went through his phone

Actually that is the problem. Her lack of trust. Whether she's paranoid or he has (or continues to) given her reason to lack trust.

Either learn to trust or leave.

Tinkerbec · 10/12/2017 10:02

Actually that is the problem. Her lack of trust. Whether she's paranoid or he has (or continues to) given her reason to lack trust.

Either learn to trust or leave.

I agree. I do. It doesn’t help though when you have a moment of weakness and are proven right not to though. :-(

VegasWithRadishes · 10/12/2017 10:08

YABU but understandbly so.
Just save yourself the heartache and leave already. You clearly don't trust him, rightly or wrongly. If you confront him and stay he'll only A- be furious you've invaded his privacy and B- learn to hide it better.

Shoxfordian · 10/12/2017 10:20

I don't think you can tell him what porn he can and can't watch- assuming its legal which from your comments it is. Nobody made you the masturbation police.

I can see why you don't completely trust him but you need to either decide to trust him wholeheartedly or end it

Original poster

Need2morehands · 10/12/2017 14:41

I clearly need to let the porn issue go I'm using it as an excuse to think iv found something. I need to trust him but the feeling I had that I could depend on him has gone. Weather that will ever come back I don't know.

OP posts:

OneMoStep · 10/12/2017 14:48

I wish I hadn't clicked on this thread - what an odd mixture of responses.

He broke your trust previously, so it's not as simple as the fact that you shouldn't have looked at his phone, and that you need to 'learn to trust him' 😣.

And he's watching porn that you're not okay with - presumably you've talked about what's okay and what's not okay, so he has some idea of this.

I'd start to give my future some serious thought. I worry that he's just going to keep repeatedly disappointing you.

butterfly56 · 10/12/2017 15:04

Seems like he has swapped one addiction for another.
It rarely ends well.
It's for you to decide how long you are willing to go on putting up with it.

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