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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU in this situation?

28 replies

NowIKnowMyABC123 · 09/12/2017 09:20

I'll not say who I am in this yet so I can get opinions.....

Last weekend friend A was invited to the wedding of close friend B's daughter.

Friend B has made effort with A over the years and they are good friends but they are worlds apart in terms of life - B is in her 60s, A is younger and has young children.

B adores A's children. A does make effort with B and is usually the one travelling to B to facilitate them seeing each other.

A has a chronic hidden disability and also one of the 3 children has SN.

A few days before the wedding, A texted B to say that her toddler had been poorly with D&V and that A was also feeling quite poorly with a flare up of her illness.

A therefore did not attend the wedding of B's daughter.

B is extremely upset and has reduced contact considerably.

A apologised for not attending and asked for pictures and sent on a gift.

B is not pleased and thinks A should make more effort.

A does tend to cancel some events last minute citing illness .

A does attend some important events (e.g. Hen party, big birthday party etc) but not all.

B has attended all important events hosted by A .

Does B have a reasonable reason to be annoyed at A?

OP posts:
LoniceraJaponica · 09/12/2017 09:22

No. Not at all.

Tinselistacky · 09/12/2017 09:23

Unfortunately with an illness and dc it is sometimes impossible to 'make more effort'. So B is bu.

Spartaca · 09/12/2017 09:24

B not unreasonable to be disappointed, but unreasonable to be cross with A. A couldn't help I.

scurryfunge · 09/12/2017 09:25

B should accept that illness is a good reason not to attend an event.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 09/12/2017 09:26

You're obviously the younger friend....A.

YANBU.

Makingahome · 09/12/2017 09:28

I think a sickness bug can't be helped and often people start attending things before they fully well. The friend was right to not come. If your other friend thinks that she is lying about the sickness bug then she's needs to not let that consume her.

pasturesgreen · 09/12/2017 09:30

In theory, no. In practice, it should be a really serious emergency to make you cancel on a wedding with only a few days notice. Couldn't A's DH/DP have minded the toddler? And how poorly is 'quite poorly'? If A has forum for cancelling at the last minute, I'm afraid she must accept that she'll probably have developed a reputation as a bit of a flake.

However, she did apologise and send a gift, so in B's shoes I'd be the bigger person and get over it.

Glumglowworm · 09/12/2017 09:41

YABU for posting cryptic A and B bollocks

You’re clearly friend A and yanbu, illness is a genuine reason to not attend and one that can’t be predicted. It sounds like B thinks you use it as an excuse, only you can know whether there’s any truth in that.

Iloveacurry · 09/12/2017 09:42

B is being unreasonable. A couldn’t help being ill.

FrancisCrawford · 09/12/2017 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NowIKnowMyABC123 · 09/12/2017 09:51

I'm actually B BlushBlush

I fully accept I'm BU and will get over it Blush

I do sometimes feel my friend uses her illness as an "excuse" but on the flip side I do know her illness can be awful for her.

I was just very disappointed she didn't attend my daughter's wedding.

I will apologise Blush

OP posts:
LostInShoebiz · 09/12/2017 09:52

Does anyone think B might be annoyed because a few months ago she was the subject of another AIBU:

"My DM insists we invite her younger friend to our wedding. Is she BU to try and dictate our guest list?"

Even if A was NBU to be sick, which of course happens, I expect B feels a little put out that 'her' guest cancelled and she might be getting stick from her children now.

Original poster
NowIKnowMyABC123 · 09/12/2017 09:55

LostinShoeBiz that is an unfortunate coincidence Grin

My daughter wanted my friend there as they are also friends but not as close .

OP posts:
KhalliWali · 09/12/2017 09:57

I would be hurt if I was in your shoes. I don't think YABU.

maras2 · 09/12/2017 10:00

Good Christ!
All this angst over a non attending wedding guest Shock
Not even your own wedding.
I've no idea who didn't come to my adult kids weddings.
Time to get a grip (or a hobby) or even Gin Smile

MrsU88 · 09/12/2017 10:02

Just think how nice it would have been for all the other guests to catch the D&V bug if she had attended. That would have really made your daughters wedding special.

Nanny0gg · 09/12/2017 10:04

Blimey! It's usually Bridezilla threads, not MotBZilla ones!

No, she should have gone to the wedding, potentially spread D&V amongst the guests and the wedding party and had a thoroughly miserable time as she felt unwell.

Were you being unreasonable? Um...

And now you're being unkind. Some friend.

FrancisCrawford · 09/12/2017 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoWittyNamesAvailable · 09/12/2017 10:11

Someone came to my ds christening with a d&v bug they were just getting over. 75% of the guests, including my 5 week old, caught it. It was horrendous, an elderly family member ended up in hospital she was that ill. So i think yabu, its better to not take that chance if she was unsure if she was coming down with it.

TheWhyteRoseShallRiseAgain · 09/12/2017 10:14

I could be A (I’m not I add!) I have young dcs and several chronic illnesses. As with all dcs they can get ill at any time plus dd2 has inherited at least 1 of my illnesses.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 09/12/2017 10:17

Who stays off work bcos a member of the household has D&V?

Answer - nobody

Unless you are suggesting that A was working at the wedding a social engagement and paid work are very different.

And you pay find around 50% of parents end up staying off work when one of their kids has D&V what with them not being allowed in school or childcare, unless they are incredibly lucky and have family who don’t mind the risk

RB68 · 09/12/2017 10:21

Its just life. Its annoying for you B but in the scheme of things would you rather be annoyed or have the illness A suffers with and three young kids too. You can let her know you missed her and it was a disappointment but also make sure you say how are you now, how are things frankly you have been a bit mean spirited not to recognise that she might also be upset at letting you down and the stick she gets for that. However, if I was friend A I would be pleased if you popped to visit with a little treat and a big hug and an apology. In fact I would probably cry

Gemini69 · 09/12/2017 10:27

what a shame your friend was unwell and unable to attend your Daughters wedding... Flowers

by your description in your original post.. your friend does not sound Fickle...

I hope your Daughters Wedding was everything you dreamed Flowers

WooWooSister · 09/12/2017 10:31

I would be upset if I were you but it's difficult to be annoyed when you don't know if A was ill or uses her illness as an excuse. If A lived nearby and could feasibly have attended part of the wedding then it would have been nice for her to make that effort.

FrancisCrawford · 09/12/2017 10:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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