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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU re gidt from OH

14 replies

TinkyWinkyAgain · 08/12/2017 10:07

Hello

I feel very sad for having upset my OH, who bought me a large piece of technical equipment for my birthday only for me to tell him it wasn't what I needed. I'm not sure whether I was being unreasonable to tell him , or he was being unreasonable to be so upset and angry.

Basically, for years I have been planning to buy some equipment that has two specific features that I need. I wouldn't buy it if it didn't have these features, as I don't need it otherwise, and it's rather big. (Think gym equipment.)
Anyhow, it's fairly expensive and we do not have room for this thing, so I haven't bothered buying one at all.
Then, very randomly, OH bought me one for my birthday (I don't think I'd even mentioned this thing in the past couple of years), but it doesn't have the two features that I need....so basically it's a huge piece of equipment that we don't have room for, and doesn't have the functions that were really the main reason for me wanting one in the first place. I said something along the lines of "That's so thoughtful of you, but it's not the right type for me to use."
He was furious that I hadn't just said thank you and left it at that.

I feel terrible. Was I really being unreasonable to be honest about it?

OP posts:

Tinselistacky · 08/12/2017 10:11

Ywnbu. When he next mentions a new car buy him a skateboard.
Show him the info on the one that you want and ask him to exchange it.

Mrsmadevans · 08/12/2017 10:12

No you weren't being unreasonable at all. He was trying to give you a lovely surprise and he is disappointed by your lack of delight at his cleverness and love for you . Give him a cuddle and talk to him bless him ,we have all been on the receiving end of a loved ones lack of joy over a pressie we thought was just AMAZING( and weren't we being a darling ?) lol
BTW I hope you can get a refund and get the proper one you wanted.

Original poster

TinkyWinkyAgain · 08/12/2017 10:18

Thanks Tinselistacky. I've asked him to return it. We have no room to have one, so it's pointless exchanging it. It also needs a big support thing to make it stand up..which he hadn't bought, but takes up even more floor space. The one I need is about twice the price. He obviously meant well, obviously he did, but his reaction was really horrible and I spent my birthday feeling like shit.

OP posts:

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 08/12/2017 10:22

He's furious alright. That he got something wrong, not because of your lack of gratitude. He feels shame and has no sensible way of dealing with that so he acts out at you.

I'd imagine this is part of a larger picture of him not being able to take criticism or reacting with anger inappropriately.

Try to keep calm yourself, don't bend over backwards trying to placate him. He needs to have a think about why he's reacting this way to something perfectly acceptable.

The item does not do the two very specific jobs for which you needed it, so his kind gesture is moot. He didn't take on enough information when you spoke about it to make an informed decision. That's not your fault and you should not be saddled with something that doesn't work for you when you've waited so long for it and not managed to justify either the money or the room it takes up. If you're going to have it, it needs to be right or what's the point, other than to stop him feeling angry?!

FizzyGreenWater · 08/12/2017 10:24

No you weren't unreasonable.

If people decide that they're going to buy that kind of present then someone who is really properly THINKING of the recipient will check with them. Is it the right one, is it what you actually want?

Someone who doesn't really put much effort into it and can't be bothered will do what your OH did. The onus isn't on you to pretend. It's the big ticket equivalent of flowers from the petrol station.

His reaction confirms how this is actually a pretty selfish set of actions. Someone whose motivation was you having the thing you want would have said 'Omg, fine - we can change it! - the important thing is that you have the correct equipment. No problem!' Someone whose motivation is him getting to look good by giving the big expensive gift (but not too expensive - what's the bets he saw ones which had the features you want but thought 'nah, not spending that'??) would do what he did - sulk and strop that you didn't pretend that he's the big I AM.

Original poster

TinkyWinkyAgain · 08/12/2017 10:25

Mrsmadevans I'm now wondering if what I bought him for his own birthday wasn't what he wanted either, as he still hasn't used it months later. It was a top of the range thing with all features he could want, but not something you wouldn't use if it was lacking a feature or two...It wasn't even something he'd mentioned wanting...it was just a gift...quite expensive but very small...so no issue with taking up loads of room that we don't have. I did ask him over and over was he sure he wanted to keep it and offered to exchange it if it wasn't right but he kept saying it was perfect! 30 day refund window passed by and then another few months and it's still in the box. Maybe he thought I'd be as offended (as he clearly was) by saying it wasn't right for him. I don't know.

OP posts:

Original poster

TinkyWinkyAgain · 08/12/2017 10:27

I'd imagine this is part of a larger picture of him not being able to take criticism or reacting with anger inappropriately.

Yes. This.

OP posts:

Original poster

TinkyWinkyAgain · 08/12/2017 10:29

but not too expensive - what's the bets he saw ones which had the features you want but thought 'nah, not spending that'??

Yes, also this. When I described the type I actually needed he said something about how it would cost at least double.....Which is one reason I hadn't bothered to buy one. We're not made of money. But there's no point on wasting hundreds of pounds on something that is in effect useless to either of us and then expect me to be over the moon at his thoughtful gesture. He made me feel like an ungrateful cow, and I was half expecting to be called one on here as well!!

OP posts:

FindoGask · 08/12/2017 10:42

You're not being ungrateful or unreasonable, and I would have done the same especially given the size and expense of the item. However I can understand that it must be disappointing and hurtful to give someone a gift that they reject, even if they reject it on entirely reasonable grounds. I'm sure he'll get over it, was just his initial reaction.

Worldsworstcook · 08/12/2017 10:46

A simple "thank you so much, you're so kind and it was a very thoughtful gift. I'm sorry that it wasn't right but that doesn't take away from the fact that you care so much about me that you bought it for me and remembered me talking about how I liked it".

He's probably hurt that something he put so much time and thought into didn't get the appreciation he wanted. I buy DH presents fully expecting him to return 9 out of 10 of them! No offense taken. I've just bought him two jumpers I hate - that I know he will like - but if it what he wants!

MentholBreeze · 08/12/2017 10:47

I remember my sister's boyfriend doing something like this to her.. she'd specced out something she wanted, had been saving for it. He bought her one that didn't have the things she wanted.

I seem to remember that he expected to be let off the rent that month too, in part payment for it because it was so expensive, and it turned out later, he'd not even paid full price for it as it was a returned one, and he'd got a deal for it for some other reason too...

But yes - a gift that isn't complete, that you don't have room for, and doesn't do the things that you want - well, it's not a gift is it, it's a burden.

Mrsmadevans · 08/12/2017 10:49

Aw bless you both
I think you really need to have a good old fashioned chat and put this behind you. Nevermind you both were trying to be kind to one another and it has obviously backfired. If I were you in future you need to give each other very detailed lists of what you both want , or do what I do and buy it all for myself all year round and by the end of the year I have forgotten what I have bought and am delighted ! This was after a few years of absolutely terrible impulsive gifts that cost a fortune and were absolutely awful, think £25 for hedgehog slippers 22 yrs ago for Christmas, this was when 25 quid spesh for blasted slippers was a hellova lot of money , I was on Maternity leave and we only had the one wage coming in. I was infuriated he never lived it down and consequently I buy for myself and we are at peace again lol .Send it back and get a refund and do something lovely with it, like a little holiday together or at least a night stay somewhere together .

Ragwort · 08/12/2017 10:49

Present buying is a nightmare, my DH and I long ago gave up buying each other 'surprise' gifts precisely because it is just so easy to get it wrong.

Downhillatfifty · 08/12/2017 11:02

Does he have that typically male shopping method whereby they go into a shop and buy the first thing that they see that vaguely fits the description of what you want, just to get it over and done with?
I have to give my DH explicit instructions when buying me a gift, not very nice or special you might think? But have been on the receiving end of unsuitable gifts in the past e.g wrong size of boots, leather trousers! perfume or skin care that I am allergic to or something that I would never use ( either muttony or something that my 75 year old mum would class as old fashioned). I think I'm easy to buy for and love getting flowers or chocolates so don't need expensive gifts.
My DH then would get a bit huffy when I tried to say it was a lovely thoughtful gift but not suitable for a specific reason or if I just thanked him and kept it he would keep asking me why I never used / wore it.
But an expensive item that didn't do what I needed, I would totally tell him it needs to be returned.

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