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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to know who will be driving my son to this event

30 replies

kitnkaboodle · 07/12/2017 16:47

DS aged 13 has come home and announced that he n friends are going out after school on last day of term to big out of town shopping centre where there is skating etc. I don't have a problem with the activity, even unsupervised, but it's an hour away involving motorway. You couldn't get there on public transport without it being massively complicated.
'Someone' will be driving them there. He doesn't know who, but the transport is all sorted according to social media. When I said that I'd like to know who is taking them he did the classic teenage thing of saying I was making a big fuss, it would be too embarrassing to ask, he'll pull out of it if I start making enquiries, etc etc. Trouble is I dont know all of his school friends, of course.
I honestly don't think he's hiding anything - it'll just be someone's parent and he doesn't want me to be 'embarrassing' about it. But I'm right to insist on knowing more ... aren't I...?

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 07/12/2017 16:50

Of course you're right, you would be totally irresponsible not to have proper details. My own DS is 13 as well and he wouldn't be going anywhere like that unless I'd spoken to whichever parents were bringing them there and home

Trinity66 · 07/12/2017 16:51

13 is still very young

BenLui · 07/12/2017 16:51

Yep, I’d want to know.

Someone’s parent probably fine.
Someone’s big brother, probably not.

Can you offer to drive him and some friends to get round the problem?

McButtonwillow · 07/12/2017 16:52

YANBU, my ds is 13 this month and I would absolutely need to know who would be driving them.

Love51 · 07/12/2017 16:54

He'll pull out if you start making enquiries? Fine.
At not much more than that age I got a lift of someone's stoned boyfriend and several lifts involving someone in the boot. My parents were actually 'on it' most of the time, these just slipped through.

IHaveBrilloHair · 07/12/2017 16:56

I'd let it go, unless you have reason to think it's an underage driver something.
Tell him to keep his phone on and answer it.
Dd was weirdly secretive, for no reason, at that age, it's seen as embarrassing, whereas now at 16 she'd tell me without me asking.

SeaToSki · 07/12/2017 17:03

You are setting the boundaries now that he will be pushing against for his teen years. Do you want to be a pushover or do you want to have firm boundaries. Decide what is set in stone and what is negotiable based on activity, time and friends participating. Then tell him the family rules.

Original poster
kitnkaboodle · 07/12/2017 17:05

He's now saying it's someone's parent (drip feeding but still can't give me a name) and is in a bit of a strop to say the least. Glad others are on my side. It's the fact that it's a good distance away (+ motorway) that bothers me.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 07/12/2017 17:07

I'd let it go, unless you have reason to think it's an underage driver something.

Really? 13 is still so young though (or maybe I'm being over protective because my baby is 13!) He would have no issue with me speaking to his friends parents though so I doubt this problem will arise

Justgivemesomepeace · 07/12/2017 17:12

My dd and her friends do this. Full of plans but no specifics always definitely happening and everyone else is going. They always fall through as it's all talk. I'd say yes on the condition you let me know how you are getting there and back. It probably won't happen.

hevonbu · 07/12/2017 17:14

Hm, I just realised from your post exactly why my dad drove me and friends around to all sorts of activities, near and far, when I was a child.

BrizzleDrizzle · 07/12/2017 17:19

My DCs wouldn't be going if I didn't know who the driver was - I'd always take them myself rather than sending them in an unknown car. If they don't like that then fine, they don't go.

Blackteadrinker77 · 07/12/2017 17:21

I'd want their phone number and I'd want to speak to them to check that they will be bringing them back as well.

Appuskidu · 07/12/2017 17:25

I bet 10 of them are all talking about going somewhere and 1 Mum has said she can take a carful. Only... the Mum doesn’t know that it’s 10 of them that are going, and the kids haven't worked out that 10 children won’t fit in one car!!

Ask how many of them are going and which one’s Mum is driving?!

Chrys2017 · 07/12/2017 17:31

Name and phone number of the driver or he's not going. Tell him this won't be the last time you'll embarrass him so he might as well get used to it. :-)

Laiste · 07/12/2017 17:34

My parental spidey senses would be aroused by his strop about you asking.

What's the big deal? I'd be thinking it's someone's brother or all squashed into a car without enough belts ect.

llangennith · 07/12/2017 17:34

As Chrys says. No more discussion or long conversations. He tells you details or just doesn’t go. They get worse with the secrecy and shaky details as they get older so you may as well set out the rules now.

Chrys2017 · 07/12/2017 17:35

As an aside, when I was 16-ish my best friend convinced her mum that she had passed her driving test even though she had failed it multiple times. As a result she had free run of mum's car and drove our little group around at all hours of the day and night, often with seven of us rammed into the car and after drinking booze. Her mum was a teacher so should really have known better. Now in her 40s, my friend never did get her driving licence!

Bluetrews25 · 07/12/2017 17:36

Going against the flow, this would be ok with me. You can't know (and approve of ) everyone any more. Just because you know someone does not mean they will either be a good driver or will not be involved in an accident. You need to assume that they will take as much care of your DS as you would of theirs if roles were reversed.
At 13 he could / should be getting himself to and from school independently and spreading those wings a little. Trust him a bit. This is how DCs learn to do things and be independent.
Pick your battles - this is not one of them. All nighter parties, alcohol, smoking - they are worth fighting over!

Council · 07/12/2017 17:40

I'd be telling him that if he wasn't mature enough to understand why you need to know, he's not old enough to go.

That said, I don't know how knowing that Fred's dad is driving, if you don't know Fred let alone Dad really helps. (but I still think you should know, which makes no sense Grin )

BertrandRussell · 07/12/2017 17:41

I would want to know who's mum was taking them. I'd want to know that now and ds is 16!
But my children have a thing they do called HMP. Which stands for Humouring Mum's Paranoia. They realized early that if they HMP with a good grace they got a lot more freedom than they would have otherwise.

Nousernameforme · 07/12/2017 17:42

call his bluff if he says he won't go if you make a fuss then that's fine problem solved. However if he does he needs to give you all the required information.

DorisDangleberry · 07/12/2017 17:50

Totally up to you, but I would set boundaries - if he doesn’t tell you the details, then don’t let him go.

At a slightly older age my DD wanted a sleepover at a friends house - fine, but the rules are we speak to the parents first to make sure it is ok (and frankly check to make sure responsible adults are there). Of course that is too embarrassing , lots of excuses, the phone number never materialised, etc, etc.

A lesson she learnt is that it may be embarrassing to ask your friend for her mum’s phone number, but it is nowhere near as excruciating as having your very angry dad turn up at said party and cart you home.

Mumof56 · 07/12/2017 17:56

away involving motorway
(+ motorway)

Would you prefer they went narrow, windy back roads? Confused

Do you drive yourself?

BertrandRussell · 07/12/2017 18:00

Yes, I don't get the motorway thing either. Very odd.