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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be convinced about praising the good

15 replies

Council · 07/12/2017 09:43

as a way of encouraging good behaviour? It never seemed to work for my DC. I found firm but fair, limited screen time and lots of love an attention was the way to go.

Praising good behaviour was a sure fire way to have that behaviour end.

e.g. "Beautiful table manners DS1" was sure to mean exaggerated open mouthed chewing within seconds

"Lovely to see you playing so nicely together" would mean one of them was about to get kicked

"Good effort on your handwriting DS2" would immediately be the end of any focus on the homework.

Just my DC?

OP posts:

clarabowsandopentoes · 07/12/2017 09:47

Totally misread title - thought it said praising God.

Ummm ... no, can't say that praising good behaviour did lead to the opposite with my DS when younger.

coddiwomple · 07/12/2017 09:52

just yours!

Aren't you pleased to be congratulated on something at work, or something you made yourself?

But thinking about it, I tend to praise them more after the facts than during, for no reason at all, but maybe that's the difference.

DewDropsonKittens · 07/12/2017 09:53

TheCatsPaws · 07/12/2017 09:54

Seems to work for mine sometimes, but I think kids are temperamental buggers who like to change things the minute we get a good system.

Launderetta · 07/12/2017 09:55

With you, coddiwomple
Can't imagine not praising good behaviour in order to encourage it - not every time, but enough to make it permanent.

PineappleScrunchie · 07/12/2017 09:56

You could be describing my 6 year old.

Original poster

Council · 07/12/2017 09:59

Oh don't pineapple. DS1 is 16yo now, he still doesn't like a compliment (makes him uncomfortable rather than brings out poor behaviour now) but he's a lovely boy. Never been any trouble to anyone.

They're all different I guess.

OP posts:

MikeUniformMike · 07/12/2017 10:03

It might be the way you say it.

coddiwomple · 07/12/2017 10:04

It's not that your 16yo doesn't like compliments, he's just being embarrassed. Not a valid reason to stop them! Spare him ,and don't do a huge fuss around his mates, but keep complimenting when deserved. They need to hear it and know it. It sticks, even if they are all awkward about it now.

abbsisspartacus · 07/12/2017 10:05

Mine do that too so nice to see you eating nicely awww thanks mom FOOD FIGHT!

Original poster

Council · 07/12/2017 10:06

Oh I do coddiwomple and I never stopped when they were little, but looking back, I don't think it was that aspect of my parenting that raised well behaved children and decent young men.

OP posts:

DoJo · 07/12/2017 11:56

I know what you mean - I try and make an effort to praise good behaviour and sometimes it's well-received but often my son will deny having done the kind/thoughtful/helpful thing that I am praising him for and get in a strop if I mention it again.

If I catch him in the middle of doing something nice, he will often stop if I mention it, and if I refer to something I noticed earlier in the day he will sometimes say that he didn't like doing it and he will never do it again, even when it was something entirely motivated by good intentions on his part (as opposed to something I have encouraged him to do). I've tried different ways of saying things and describing his behaviour in a range of ways (e.g kind/thoughtful/good friend/creative/imaginative/hard-working etc)

It's hard to know whether to carry on praising him or not - I do, but not sure if that's for my benefit of feeling like I'm doing the 'right thing' or for his because I want him to know that I do notice his good behaviour. He is generally incredibly sweet and thoughtful although he can be excessively 'boisterous' and occasionally behaves outrageously badly so I do want to balance the remonstrating with praise but it's hard to do when I know that he finds it infuriating for some reason.

Ecureuil · 07/12/2017 12:01

Works for mine.

Ecureuil · 07/12/2017 12:02

I found firm but fair, limited screen time and lots of love an attention was the way to go

I use all of those things in conjunction, as do most people I imagine.
Praising good behaviour doesn’t mean people aren’t firm and fair, allow unlimited screens and don’t give love and affection. Those things aren’t mutually exclusive.

cornflakegirl · 07/12/2017 12:13

My eldest is like this - and I think he's probably got it from me. Sometimes at work the higher-ups start sending out thank you emails (copying in the whole team) for perfectly normal pieces of work - and it winds me up. It's nice to be acknowledged, but for me that sort of thing devalues the thanks I get when I have gone the extra mile. My son does like being praised for something that is genuinely good. (Of course, it may also be that, like the higher-ups at work, I am rubbish at faking the sincerity of genuine praise for normal behaviour.)

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