AIBU to be wondering if I am weak

[greenlavenderplants]

I have realised to my shame i have now been obese, as in, properly fat rather than just chubby, for two and a half years.

My mother died when I was in my final year at secondary school, about two weeks before I sat my first GCSE exam. I was a normal size then. I put on around a stone during my A level years but it was after passing my driving test and going away to university I started to get fat.

I then realised, bizarrely around the same time as my finals, that I did not want to be fat any more, went on a very low calorie diet, and lost 4 stone. I kept it off, more or less, until I lost my dad in 2014.

Now I’m 14 and a half stone and five foot three.

I jest but it is horrible. I am (apparently) attractive when slimmer (one of the things that prompted me to lose weight first time round was when I overheard a fellow student say ‘she’d be a fucking knockout if she lost weight’) I think ‘knockout’ is a bit strong actually but I have nice hair, teeth, even features.

My confidence is low and I assume men won’t be interested in a fat woman so I don’t date. I would love a partner and —sex— companionship, but I don’t have the confidence.

Yet I still apparently can’t stick to a diet.

Am I just weak? Or ... what?

Gosh OP you have been through a lot. You clearly have an emotional connection to food and have used it to help you through your loss. I strongly advise you look into some counselling. Good luck

No. You're human. It's bloody hard to stick to diet. All around you is food and you need to food to survive. If you had any other addiction you would get help and you couldnin theory avoid places that you knew that substance would be. Bit bloody hard with food. Don't diet. Do a lifestyle change. A little at a time. If you have large portions slowly snake them smaller. If you eat lots of chocolates etc have one less a day for a week then 2 less etc. It depends on what you eat or drink as to how you can cut down. Good luck and we'll done. You be already started to be stronger

Do you know ... I find it hard/impossible to just make those little changes people speak of, even though I know theoretically it should be easier. I am very all-or-nothing. Interestingly, I think this may be a family trait. My brother spent years as a drug addict - he was in a very bad way at one point and I really was prepared to lose him, and then he just stopped, refused treatment or anything that might make the transition easier. Incredible, really.

I'm all or nothing as well. I can't eat a couple of biscuits a day. If there's a packet in the house they go quickly. The only way I can do it is total abstinence and not buying them in the first place. At least you've proved you can do it once - "just" replicate that. And once you've done it then weigh yourself weekly & take action as soon as the weight creeps slightly upwards.
(Disclaimer - I'm currently needing to lose about 4 stone and failing!)

You're not weak at all, OP. You've been through some horrible times, and have used food as a comfort - now your confidence is low and you're struggling not to continue using food to make yourself feel better.

You say you went on a v. low calorie diet before and lost 4 stone, which must have taken willpower - but if you were dieting severely, it wouldn't be sustainable in the long term - not a sign of weakness, but a sign of your body needing a reasonable amount of food to function.

I think you should follow shouldIleave's advice and make some small changes, and try to find a healthy way of eating that isn't drastic so you can make the changes permanent.

Have you sought any help for your low self-esteem and the depression that was brought on by your bereavement? If you can address the emotional issues that brought on your weight gain, it might make it easier to leave the food 'comfort blanket' behind.

Finally, I don't think it's true that no men are interested in overweight women. Realistically, there will always be certain men who say they only ever date women smaller than a size 8 or whatever (often while being overweight themselves!) but that's not true of all men by any means. I was 3 stone overweight when I met my now DH, and I can think of many women I know who have met partners while being overweight or obese. I think your lack of confidence might be an issue in trying to meet someone, but your weight shouldn't stop you if you feel ready to take that step.