Should I end this friendship or AIBU?

[MamaMia88]

I have a friend who I met years ago when life events sort of brought us together. She’s funny and kind at times. There is a lot I like about her.

She is very overweight which has affected her ability to have children. She has been on many diets and has tried and failed. She resigned herself to never having kids and has recently split from a very long term relationship.

DH & I started a family a number of years ago and have two DC. When DC1 was about 18 months, my friend came to stay with me while DH was away. I put DC to bed but we had ordered a takeaway and I stupidly forgot to ask them not to ring the doorbell. They rang the bell and DD woke up and started crying. She was notorious at that age for not going back to sleep if I went in to comfort her. Instead I chose to leave her to settle herself. She cried for 5 minutes and then nodded off again. Fast forward a few months and we were at a gathering with my friend & her parter and another couple who we are all friends with. I left the room and when I went to walk back in, I heard my friend telling them about how I had just left my daughter to cry it out and basically slaying me behind my back. Our mutual friends had newborn twins at the time so had no idea themselves about the toddler stage. Anyway, I put it down to my friend not having children and not understanding and I just got over it.

Anyway. Same friend was visiting this weekend. To cut a long story short, DD2 had missed her morning nap so was a little grumpy. We went into a café and I put DD2 in a high chair. She started to cry, so I lifted her out and popped peppa pig on my phone to distract her. DD2 doesn’t even watch tv as she’s not interested but I was desperate for her to settle down as I’m now always worried about my friend judging me. Anyway, she settled down very quickly but my friend suggested we should just go home and that way I could put her down for her nap. I was very grateful for her being so understanding. Then when we left, she said to me, “look, when you’re baby is crying and everyone’s staring at you, that’s when it’s time to leave”. I don’t know if I’m BU but I just felt very offended by this. She cried for about a minute and then I settled her. She makes me feel as though my kids are an inconvenience to her, if that makes sense, and like she’s constantly judging every decision I make. I just can’t relax around her at all. Should I keep making the effort or should I distance myself? Please help.

i agree with clara, so much bad feeling is created by people not being more honest with each other about when their feelings are hurt - it doesn't have to be done in an aggressive way.

It does come down to whether you like her and think she's misguided or whether it's not worth fixing to you though - YANBU to want to move on.

Sounds like she is unleashing all of her insecurities on you.

She's overweight and probably feels bad about herself so she makes passive aggressive comments about your weight to make herself feel better.

Re your children, she frankly has no clue what she's talking about.

I would definitely distance yourself, she really doesn't sound like a nice person.

As a first step, perhaps start seeing her without the children.

I would also be calling her on the weight comments. She may genuinely not know that it’s hurtful. You need to tell her.

She's not able to be a friend to you. Her resentment is clear. So I'd just step back and let her find friends that don't make her so miserable by there mere existence. You've don't nothing wrong and I suspect she simply can't help feeling the way she does.

Their

Can you just distance yourself from her, maybe see her without the kids?

I see a group of 3 friends whom I have known for many years, they live about 40 mins from us. We were the ones who moved away, 20+ years ago.

One is married with kids similar age to mine, the other two never married or had kids. One has health reasons which were, I think, the primary reason for not meeting anyone, the other has had a no. of long term relationships but never got to the stage of marrying or having the DC she wanted. All now in 50s.

She is lovely to the other married friend, who she is closer to, but over the years has made some very snide comments to me. Not regarding kids particularly, as she doesn't see them, but regarding what I wear ("when did you last buy clothes?" Has been said more than once. I only see her a couple of times a year, so its not as if am always wearing same outfit!!), how we holiday (caravan - bitchy comments about us caravanning), my running (if you carry on you may actually be able to run X race - a race I had already done a no of times).

We see the other family for a meal at either house once a year or so, always used to invite her and current partner to ours, but every time got told "I've no interest in playing happy families" or some such comment.

On us getting a dog "of my god how will you cope with a dog as well as kids" 😲whilst the other two friends were telling me what great news it was.

Christmas cards addressed to Kath and family (not even including DH name, she was with me the night I met him!).

I get that her situation must be hard, but I never understood why she was bitchy to me in particular.

I cant not see her, as I know it would be me cast adrift from the group, so I just suck it up as little as possible (xmas and Spring when we all have birthdays). Even then, I don't always make the move to arrange it. As well as the comments, it is nearly always me who drives to their area, probably a 80/20 split.

I would agree with PPs that your friend is probably jealous of your perfect weight and your family. She's struggled to lose weight while you have no difficulty maintaining yours. And you should make it clear to her that you don't appreciate her commenting on your weight; she might think she's paying you a compliment by saying how slim you are. I have a friend who is very slim while my weight is constantly up and down and I have commented on how good she looks before. I'll have to think about what you've said here.

The judgy comments about your parenting, especially behind your back, are another matter and you may well decide that she's not really your friend if she says things like that about you.

It doesn't sounds like either one of you like the other. not sure why you're continuing with the façade of friendship, really.

Cut ol porky pig out.

Or next time she criticises your parenting you could criticise her waist line.

It sounds to me like you're friends out of habit, not because you want to be, because you've known each other for so long. But friends outgrow each other and I think that's where you're both at.

Flouncey

I think you’re right. We’re friends out of habit. I was so sure she’d be a life long friend so I suppose I feel a bit sad about how things are now, at least from my point of view. My husband works away so much, sometimes most of the year, so seeing her without the kids isn’t really a solution for me.

I think some people are being a little too harsh about your friend here. It sounds as though she is in a dark place and unable to have any sense of control in her life. In her head;
She can't make any diet work for her
She can't have kids
She can't even keep her partner
These three things are probably always on her mind either consciously or subconsciously. And it sounds like she can't channel her feelings and focus in the right way. Being arsey or bitchy gives her an element of control, as does her giving you parenting tips she hasn't actually got a clue about. And it sounds like a very depressing life for her to lead. Maybe she's not realising how malicious she is being...

Here's the thing though. This isn't an excuse for her behaviour because it's hurtful to you enough to not ever want to associate with her again. And I'd be really pissed if anyone spoke like that about me behind my back. But as a friend, you should give her the respect of a friend and not just run away. Talk this out. Sit her down and tell her you value her friendship but you're upset she would say certain things behind her back and make u question your parenting when you're around her. Tell her you shouldn't have to explain to her why you let your child cry out or why you gave your child a phone to watch Peppa pig, but you feel like you have to because you don't like feeling judged on your parenting.

It's easy to call her every name under the sun and blank her from now on but it sounds like she could do with a good friend and a chat might sort this out. Just be open. I think if she still refuses to change her ways, that's when I would step back because you be tried being honest and you let this affect you anymore. But it's essential you speak to her about this.
Leave the door open. Its not nice being told you can't have kids. That would kill me.

It says more about her than you. She s miserable and probably jealous. It's up to you if you want this negativity in your life. If you do want to stay in touch then you need to address this.
As for leaving when people look at your crying child. Lol! I'd be in and out of places all the time! You just deal with whatever they're upset about. I couldn't care less about what other people think. I recently had an old lady ask me of my baby was too hot (he was wearing a pramsuit on a cold day in Scotland ). I just said no. Other people have said "oh that's a hungry cry". No- he's tired and I'm rocking him to sleep because I've just fed him...

Speaking from experience, when you don't have children yourself but others do, it looks so easy and you can see exactly what they are doing wrong. When you have them yourself you realise it's not so easy.

Talking about you behind your back is really rude though. And obviously giving advice to parents when you aren't one, however well intended, isn't going to go down well. Just smile and say 'you'll find out when you have your own'

I would end the friendship and move on. Or at least distance myself. She may be jealous and going through a hard time with things, but that doesn't excuse talking about you behind your back and making nasty bitchy comments

Hello MammaMia sorry I didn't come back yesterday - I got unexpectedly busy!

Hope you are feeling better about it all today. Its not nice to have a jealous 'friend', or ones that actually are not very kind to you. Especially those comments about your weight. Ouch. You sound sensitive and kind whereas she sounds a little brash and outspoken, so perhaps you two aren't the best fit in the world!!

I have people I don't see any more where things changed, or rather didn't evolve past a problem - in the main because we were friends out of circumstance more than shared values and it started to show and/or be very one sided. It was tense and upsetting at the time, but it was the right decision to move on. Some friendships are the kind both people can really invest in and survive all ups and downs, but not all are and that's just the way it is sometimes.

Now though I can look back and think of the good times I spent with them, even if the friendships didn't turn out the way either of us hoped.

Enjoy your DC :)