To have said this to my ex

[NameChangedAndForgotOldName]

Small girl is feeling a bit peaky, well enough for school tho.
I messaged ex to say she might get sent home, he told me I'd have to cancel my plans (gym class and and dr appointment) in case she was sent home.
He works shifts so is off today.
I said "she does have 2 parents, I'm not the only one responsible for her"

Obviously I will cancel plans for her, I'm annoyed that he decided I would while he spent the day doing nothing.

Back story- controlling man who hated me going to the gym and told me and my children that gym was more important than them.

You need to stop engaging with him - don;t tell him what your plans are and I would formalise child contact.

How would he know whether or not you had been to the gym?

But he says I shouldn't need time off from my children, if he wants to take them out for the day I have to go because he can't manage them on his own

So has he explained why he needs time off from his children?

Tell him if he can't manage his children and can't arrange help when he wants to take them out, he doesn't get to take them out.

And for Christ's sake just go to the gym and don't tell him. If you're available to answer your phone if necessary, he's not going to find out, is he?

Why would you let an ex dictate if you go to the gym or not

Youre in the gym for an hour or so, check phone before or after class , or take your phone with you

Cancelling it seems like youve given in

Why aren’t you telling him he’s a pathetic excuse of a man and he can just get on with taking the kids out?

You are completely letting him control you still.

YABU to hand him all this control.

None of his business that you are at the gym, why do you tell him? If he asks where you are going then dont answer. "Oh out and about". He has NO RIGHT TO KNOW. And if he ever says that he gym is more important than the kids laugh in his face and ask him when he last acted like a parent to them. Does he pay maintenance? I am guessing not.....

Stop hoping/asking for his help. It wont happen and every time you do it gives him another weapon to use against you. Asking him to pick her up because you have plans? It gives him a chance to say that you are lazy and selfish. So dont. Assume that you will have to do everything.

Dont bother sending him messages like you did today, he doesnt care and it just brings you down when yet again he shows that he doesnt care.

Say no to accompanying them on days out. Ignore the "Dont be so selfish, if you dont come then they cant go" crap.

He only has the control you are giving him, so stop handing it over on a plate.

You need to break free. Either do a structured contact plan or apply for maintenance through the formal service (cms?). No more going out with him and the children, it's not any help to you at all. Practice your responses- oh no I'm not coming. It would be good for you to have them on your own. Oh they don't matter that much to you? Ok, they can stay with me.
You didn't have to cancel the gym, that is letting him control you. Again if he says something, think water off a ducks back, smile and say which parent can't even take them for an afternoon on his own? Who does look after them all the time? Oh right, that would be me. Bye.

I like the pp idea about giving the school his number! When I'm busy and I see a nursery call, I ignore it and they will call my husband. (Obviously Id check back what was going on)

He sounds a lot like my ex, unfortunately. One rule for him and another for everyone else. You are not unreasonable to be angry with him, however as previous people have said there needs to be a more clear cut division of responsibility. It sounds like you are enabling this behaviour, without realising it.

I’ve said this to my ex he was off yesterday and is today and I was supposed to be on a night shift last night but he chose to see Kasabian (last minute) over minding our son :) I’ve had to miss out on work because he’s a self absorbed arsehole.

YANBU

So you don’t need time out from your kids?

And he clearly doesn’t want to take time out from being a —wanker— deadbeat dad...

Stop going out with them, he needs to step up.

YOU - who he paints as a negligent parent - can handle the kids together... so he, being an almighty —wanker— all-powerful man can handle a couple of kids..

He has to have them at his house, he has to collect them and bring them back.

Don’t you ever cancel your commitments again, not unless it’s serious

IF (huge if) the school had called and not got you they would have called him, no? In which case you inform him that you’re unavailable at certain points, so he picks up the child as he’s on duty.

Worst case scenario, if your child had to wait a little while in the sick bay it’d be fine. Schools ARE understanding in most cases.

Strike out fail :(

You should have gone to your gym class (how would your ex even know if you went) and taken your daughter to your doctors appointment (unless she's puking everywhere). There was really no need to sit at home waiting for a phone call.

Yanbu to remind him he's also a parent though.

I don't think your ex should know what you do with your days, your appointments are no longer his concern. Don't give him any information about your life.

I also don't think you should be going out for days with him, it is a dysfunctional set up. You split up from this areshole so you no longer need to put up him.

Disengage from him, his shifts and lifestyle are not your problem.

If this was a work day for you, what would happen if your child needed to be picked up at school?
The same thing should be arranged for your days off, as you still have responsibility for the children then.

I get that you don't want to just tell your ex to take the kids out on his own, if he says he can't manage.
If he really can't manage as he's a plonker something could happen to one of the kids, which you don't want to risk.

Arrange your life so that you engage with this man as little as possible.
Of course that's not ideal, but could result in less hassle for you.

If he can't take the kids out on his own, he doesn't get to take them out. Simples. The op doesn't get time off if she stays home with them or if she goes out with him and the kids, so stay home. I think people can try far too hard to facilitate contact with deadbeats.