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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think DH should care a bit more?

22 replies

goldenlight · 05/12/2017 21:31

Just had a sizeable row with DH about Christmas already. I told DH I'd like to arrive at DS's nativity with about 15 minutes to spare so we could arrive in plenty of time and get good seats near the front. Our DS is quite a bit smaller than the other kids, so its always a bit of a job to see him anyway. DH was faffing around tying up loose ends on his laptop (he works from home) while I was waiting for him in the hall with DD for 10 mins. Then he went to the loo. When we did arrive we had to park a fair distance from the school and so I remarked (probably a bit tersely) that everyone had already arrived, and we were going to struggle to get seats together. He ambled up to the school so frustratingly casually, that I snapped and said it was his fault we arrived late, and he replied that it didn't matter anyway, what was the big deal, and claimed I was a "holiday Hitler" because I always apparently ruin Christmas for getting so hung up on the details!

Now, I could be wrong here, but I don't see wanting to arrive in good time to get a good view of my DS's nativity play a particularly demanding request? We ended up one row from the back, and because he couldn't see, DH spent most of the nativity standing in the aisle. The trouble is, he just doesn't like Christmas, and doesn't seem to care about any of it, and so has made me feel for the past 15 years that I'm a really difficult, exacting person. If I rearrange the decorations after the 3 and 5 year old have finished dressing the tree I'm so particular, and if I try and plan out the stockings so that all the children get a roughly equal number and value of presents its all 'a waste of time'.

I've done all the christmas shopping for our 4 DC on my own, except for one day when we visited 4 shops, bought nothing and he decided that was enough for one day! Surely planning for christmas is not unreasonable? Isn't this normal? Isn't it normal to care about things like presents, and decorations and Christmas dinner and nativity? I'd get far less stressed about it if he actually cared even slightly, but I feel like Christmas won't happen without my efforts. Sometmes I just feel like saying why bother, but its not fair on the kids.

Does anyone else have this problem with their DH, and how do you deal with it?

OP posts:

CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/12/2017 21:34

Tell him that he may think you are a Holiday Hitler but he is making shite memories for your kids, who will know he is their personal Grinch.

He sounds like a selfish twonk, he needs to see the error of his ways before your kids start to resent him too!

notangelinajolie · 05/12/2017 21:37

I used to go early on my own and save him a seat.

piglover · 05/12/2017 21:38

Could it at all be that you are the one who cares most and no one else would mind if you did a bit less? He does sound annoying and selfish, it's true, but Christmas just isn't a big deal for everyone and so you don't get so frazzled, could you prioritise what is crucial (I would think giving all the children roughly the same amount of presents) and what is not going to kill anyone (having a wonky tree due to your 3 year old's design sense.

edwinbear · 05/12/2017 21:40

YANBU. But then I arrived at 5.40pm for DS's 7pm Christmas show this evening to make sure I got front row seats. DD and I just saved a seat for DH who got there later.

Justanothernameonthepage · 05/12/2017 21:47

My DH never really loved Christmas. But he knows I do and our DS is just old enough to really enjoy the build up and events. So DH makes the effort.
In your case, I'd be tempted to not share any of the build up with him as it's making neither of you happy. So go to nativity/carol/santa/tree without him. Accept that he's a Grinch. Use the energy you currently spend on him on something that makes you happy.

KimmySchmidt1 · 05/12/2017 21:58

Lots of blokes are like this. It's why men who live on their own have such high suicide rates.

Ignore him and exclude him from everything. The more you try to involve him the more he'll pull away and vice versa. Make fun of him to your kids and call him the grinch.

Don't let him rain on the parade, but don't let him in the parade either.

kaytee87 · 05/12/2017 22:00

Is he like this about other things or does he have a personality transplant in December?

TalkinBoutWhat · 05/12/2017 22:02

If he ever calls you the Christmas Hitler again, tell him that it's way better than being a Christmas Grinch like he is!

FlashTheSloth · 05/12/2017 22:04

I'd leave him out of all Christmas related thingd and do my own thing with the DCs. Why should he ruin it for you all the time. I'd be fuming over the seat thing.

PiffleandWiffle · 05/12/2017 22:04

You sound a bit like a Christmas Martyr to be honest....

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 05/12/2017 22:07

save him a seat

You'd be lynched for doing that at my kids school!

We'd all like to rock up at 5 minutes before the performance and sit in a saved front row seat you know!

DingleBerries · 05/12/2017 22:08

Oh gawd I wouldn’t want to be dragged round the shops Christmas shopping and I love Christmas.
However, regarding the Christmas play YANBU.
And the tree, why does he need to comment?

I expect there are other things. I’m a big fan Christmas and I think my DH has grown with it over the last few decades. I’d be gutted if he was a grinch.

Original poster

goldenlight · 05/12/2017 22:26

kaytee87 He is generally very thoughtful. He is a wonderful husband and father generally, but he doesn't get Christmas. His father is dead, and he's estranged from the rest of his family, so perhaps its this aspect of it all that makes him miserable. I get that, but its hard as I don't want our kids growing up feeling Christmas is pointless or stressful.

OP posts:

Original poster

goldenlight · 05/12/2017 22:29

DingleBerries I wouldn't have minded calling it a day with the shopping, but it was he who said no to all my present suggestions, making it a complete waste of time!

OP posts:

kaytee87 · 05/12/2017 22:32

Ok well if he's a good husband and father 11 months of the year then tbh I'd just get on with Christmas stuff without him and he will probably come round. If he's usually as great as you say he is then maybe you are ott at Christmas time? It's hard to know.

glow1984 · 05/12/2017 22:32

You had me until the bit where you rearrange the decorations after the kids have done them

Rudgie47 · 05/12/2017 22:33

I'd just leave him to himself and just do things for your children and yourself.
I'd be bored watching a nativity so I can see where hes coming from with not rushing to that.

Oly5 · 05/12/2017 22:42

I rearrange decorations too!
He sounds a miserable so and so.. just ignore him and concentrate on making xmas special for your kids.
You’re right that their childhood should have happy xmas memories.. so cut out your pita hubby and get on with it yourself

Original poster

goldenlight · 05/12/2017 22:49

Haha, yes glow1984, I can see why you'd say that, but it was nothing overly fussy - just spreading the decs out a bit to avoid 3 baubles on one branch and nothing from the middle up - that sort of thing!
I think that what a lot of you has said about enjoying things on my own or with the kids is probably the way to go, and as piglover says, I think I am making myself miserable trying to do all the organising on my own. I'll just have to prioritise what's important and not expect him to care the way I do.
kaytee87 - its probably not him being mean or me being ott, I think sometimes he just can't see things in the same light as I do. He has no sisters, went to an all boys school, and I was the first woman he moved in with, so I think he finds it hard to understand me sometimes.

OP posts:

DeadGood · 05/12/2017 22:52

I agree with relieving him of responsibility, and excluding him too. I know it’s harsh but he’s being really over the top about his anti Christmas stance.
I also wouldn’t counter his “holiday hitler” with “Christmas grinch” as it sounds childish. Like calling him “Moaning Minnie” or something, it would make the OP sound a bit pathetic or like a 1950s housewife who isn’t allowed to swear.
I’d just get cold and distant when it comes to Christmas plans, and do my beat to keep him out of it. It might actually make him come around. I agree that the more you try to jolly him along, the more he will revel in his role as ‘the cynical one’

blackteasplease · 05/12/2017 23:36

I would have just left when I wanted to and not saved him a seat tbh.

Agree with a general veto on saving seats - you can't get the best seats without giving up your valuable time to wait for them!

givemesteel · 06/12/2017 10:34

Agree with blacktea, just say you and dc are leaving at xx time next time (maybe give a false deadline), make it clear you really will go without him, and then just go if he's still faffing.

Re the Xmas shopping, tree etc just say you don't want him involved as he rains on your parade and spoils it for everyone else. He can look after dc whilst you do the Xmas shopping.

I get that not everyone has to love Christmas but it is selfish to ruin it for the people that do.

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