About child with behavioural problems in DD's class

[AmiU]

Hi,

Not really an AIBU, but I would appreciate some advice.

Dd5 is in Reception. Parents are encouraged to attend class a few times a week and I've noticed a little boy who seems to have behavioural problems. I've witnessed screaming and hitting teachers, pulling down his trousers and pants in a tantrum, crying for ages, breaking things.

This boy has also taken a shine to my quiet and sensitive DD and follows her around chanting her name.

My heart goes out to his parents and I sincerely hope they are being supported by the school. As I don't know his family, I don't think it's my place to ask any questions or talk to anyone about it.

My question is, I want my DD to understand that different children have different standards of behaviour and that he is not being 'naughty'. I want her to be kind to this little boy and know how to respond to him. I also need to emphasise that is she is hit, she must tell the teacher, as she had been bullied already and is therefore

I had a casual chat with her yesterday, just saying some children find some rules a bit harder, but they are still nice people and we should be nice to them.

She was pretty confused

How do I explain this to her?

I'm a 1:1 TA for the kind of boy you mention. To be honest, his classmates pretty much instinctively know that he is different, as they see him behaving in ways that they don't. They just accept. I don't feel too much (adult) explanation is needed at their age.
You sound like a really lovely parent, but please don't encourage your daughter to be too 'nice or too 'kind'. To be honest, she will probably find him following her and chanting her name to be a bit of a pain in the arse. If not now, then at some point. And she should be told that it is ok for her to feel that way, and ok to verbalise that, if it all becomes too much for her.
Many of the SEN boys I see fixate on certain girls, but I'd never want girls to be raised thinking that they need to put up with unwanted attention, just because that child is 'different'.

Thank you, Dieu, its great to hear from someone with more experience with this

I agree with dieu...children know certain children are different but just accept it.
There is a sen child in my dc class. The children all accept him and help him if he needs it. Not once have I seen him being picked on and the others are happy to play with him if he wants to
I think drawing too much attention to it isn't needed.

But if your dd isn't happy with the little boy following her around she (or you ) need to mention it to her class teacher. She may be able to try and encourage him to play something else with someone else and break the cycle. He won't mean any harm but if your dd is uncomfortable then that's not right and can hopefully be stopped.

Thank you, Mrsu88, she isn't uncomfortable but she's quite shy and was very recently bullied by quite a 'big' little boy who'd follow her and hit her, so she's a bit wary. I just wanted to encourage her to be nice but obviously tell me if she's uncomfortable as well. I think I should leave it alone for a little while and see if she brings it up to me again.

What Dieu said OP.

DS has ASD and ADHD but his needs aren't always as big as some other children with the same diagnosis. As Dieu said, other children just seem to instinctively know, at the same time DSs best friend is someone who doesn't 'see' the ASD, he sees 'JonSnowDS' and they get along just fine.

DS has a friend in class a bit like your DD. I try and actively encourage him to play with others some days as I know how 'in your face' he can be with some friends some days and it's a way of giving the girl a bit of respite.

She may be able to try and encourage him to play something else with someone else and break the cycle

Do do this if it gets too much. Most staff will have a good insight of how all their kids are. DS once wanted to play with the child who uses most children as target practice each break time. It took a very 'on the spot' convincing DS of 'do you think that's a good choice JonSnowDS?' from the staff before he conceded.

I agree with dieu...children know certain children are different but just accept it
Same.
Students aren't daft. They generally get it more than some adults.

OP you sound lovely and kind. Keep bringing your child up to be kind and tell her to tell the teacher if something happens.

As a teacher, i wish more parents were lile you OP.

As a parent of now 2 DC with ASD I do urge you to speak up if you see this child be unsupported. I was raising issues with the school and they were slowing the issue down. As soon as another parent went to the school board about my child hitting and kicking their child things moved very quickly. I'm now in cahoots with this parent to get support for my child because before they spoke up they just fobbed me off.

Want2bsupermum, I'm just worried about offending anyone. I did see the teacher pulling in the little boy's mum for a chat about 'hitting' today, which I suppose he wouldn't have to if the school was already supporting them?

I think children are often in tune and more sensitive to these things than adults, my 7yr old ds said a few weeks about a class mate:

“Do you know why Dave* has temper problems, it’s because his Mum is dead and his Dad is in jail.”

Other parents often complain about this wee lad and ask for their children to be moved out his class, when actually he’s had more trauma in his little life than most adults and just needs care and support.

You don’t need to encourage your dd to befriend him but just have understanding that every child is different and some don’t find things easy.

I have a dd about the same age and I would not want to encourage her that her feelings and rights are less important than a badly behaved boy. I think we have had enough of girls being raised like that.

I think you've explained it well. Some kids do find it harder to behave appropriately either due to differences in their brain resulting from a disability or differences resulting from their life experiences. The kind of behaviour you describe is more extreme than naughty child behaviour.
Your dd should be kind to him but she also needs to inform an adult if he needs help to stick to the school rules and is upsetting her.
If he is favouring her no doubt it is because she has already been kind to him.

I did see the teacher pulling in the little boy's mum for a chat about 'hitting' today, which I suppose he wouldn't have to if the school was already supporting them?

That doesn’t necessarily follow at all. The school could be doing all manner of things to support the child and family.

I did see the teacher pulling in the little boy's mum for a chat about 'hitting' today, which I suppose he wouldn't have to if the school was already supporting them?

Not necessarily. DS doesn't have an EHCP but he has a dx and academic support in place. Not a lot but enough. How I know he's had a bad day is when the teacher pulls me to one side at the end of the day. I can then work with him on why doing X wouldn't have been nice etc.

Can I just point out that, along with adults, children can't alwyas tell when childrne have SEN. DS suffereed from this in primary and even a teacher said to me "it's a problem because they (the other boys) don't realise XYZ about him whereas they do recognise child B needs more leeway (ASD)"

It caused huge problems for DS for years.

I would always emphasise that we don't know why some people find it harder to control themselves than others and we should always try to be kind but that doesn't mean putting up with someone hurting you or making you feel uncomfortable.

Children are amazingly tolerant of SEN. There used to be a boy in DD1's class with Downs, with hearing problems. DD1 has hearing aids and glasses and has been to the hospital for eye and ear appointments regularly throughout her life. (She's now 8, in year 4.) She developed a real affinity with this boy and really misses him; he couldn't go any further in mainstream education, which was a real shame.

We arranged to meet up with him and his mum at soft play a couple of years ago. I noticed how often he would hit DD1 quite hard. I knew him well enough to gently but firmly reprove him (his mum wasn't bothered, but that's not the point here). But DD1, who would normally protest loudly, just accepted it. She understood. I was very touched to see that.

Ami My child was getting no support. No aide, teacher on her own with my DC running out of class, and attacking the other children in class during meltdowns. Turns out she has ASD, ADD and anxiety which was finally diagnosed in November. We had been fighting for an evaluation since mid September. This parent came in and asked to hear the plan in place to protect my DC, her DC and the teacher and quickly established there was nothing. That's when they went nuts and complained to the school board. It's a legal issue here in the US while it's not seen that way so much in the Uk. All of a sudden things started moving quite quickly for DD.

Because he has problems doesn't mean he can go hitting the other children, of course the teacher calls in his mum, I expect she is working with the teacher to regulate his behavior. Are you for real? Are you suggesting that school should be working alone

Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences and being so non-judgemental. I was half afraid I'd get flamed for saying something insensitive by mistake.

AmiU to be honest I wouldn't try to convince her he's not being naughty. He demonstrably is.

He can't help it, he needs support to stop doing it, but it IS naughty and the staff will rightfully work towards stopping it.

Saying it's not naughty and that she must just accept it opens her up to being mistreated, if she decides some kids can't be held accountable for their actions.

You're right to explain that he's different and still leanring but I'm guessing that she will get her head round that soon enough