This is going to be long, thanks for reading if you do! Since returning to work from maternity leave just over a year ago, a male colleague who I’ll call Bob, who is 10 years older than me (in a higher level position but in another department) has become increasingly complimentary and forward towards me to the point where I now feel extremely uncomfortable. He’s married to a woman I believe he’s been with for over 15 years, has two young children and another on the way. I am in a cohabiting relationship with DP of 4 years, and we have a 2yr old DS.
On a works do at the beginning of the year we got chatting and had a lot in common in regards to music taste and talking about our children, another female colleague was present during most of the conversation and to me it was purely friendly, and platonic, although we were all pretty drunk and the conversation may have gone on a bit! I do not see this man as any more than a work colleague who I happen to get on with and I never have done. There’s a high turn around in my work place and as Id not long returned from maternity, I didn’t know many people, so I kind of stuck with Bob more so than anyone else that night. At this point he’d done nothing to make me feel uncomfortable. Later that night however, he started to show me recordings of him singing songs he’d written, and then started singing them in my ear. I could see other colleagues looking over at us and I was mortified and very embarrassed. His voice and songwriting skills were truly awful, and I cringed badly but was too polite to tell him to stop as I didn’t want to offend him. I dismissed it though as he was so drunk and actually thought it was quite funny afterwards.
From then he started messaging me lots in Work, not really saying anything inappropriate but talking lots about family life and tv programmes etc. Now and again he would make reference to a photo of me on Facebook and say I looked ‘amazing’ or something like that. He would then come over to my department to have a chat with me unannounced, or would time his dinner the same as mine and come down to the canteen where I would be (not on his floor) knowing I’d be there. Colleagues started to notice and joked about how much he ‘loved me’ and was obsessed with me. I laughed it off and said he was married etc, as he’s a very sociable character with everyone in Work and there are other women who he seems to have a jokey/flirty relationship with, so I figured this was just him.
I mainly saw him as a Work friend, and one day I mentioned that I was looking to get DS a particular toy, to which he said he had up in his loft that his own DS no longer played with and that he would give it to me for free. We swapped numbers and he text me and said he’d drop it off the next day, he did and brought his DS with him- he was in and out and there was nothing inappropriate about it, there were no follow up texts. However a few weeks later, out of the blue I received a message from him- a recording of him singing a love song (which I happen to hate!). He said he wanted me to check out his new ‘cover’. At this point I felt so uncomfortable that he had text me out of work never mind send me a recording of a love song, that I told DP all about how Bob had become a little too full on and had now sent me this song. We listened to it together and it was so bad it sounded like a joke. DP could see how much I was cringing and seemed to think it was actually quite funny, mainly because he didn’t see him as a threat in any way and could see I was clearly not interested. I was mortified and didn’t reply. The next day in Work he apologised and told me he was drunk, and that he likes to show off his singing when he’s had a few and that it wouldn’t happen again.
I confided in a female colleague who is around the same age as my DM, and who he seems quite matey with him and told him how uncomfortable he was making me feel. She told me that it wasn’t okay for him to make me feel like that, but that this was just what he was like, she’d known him for years, she had met his wife before and knew he was happily married, and although he’s full on, he was harmless. Because of this I naively continued to give him the benefit of the doubt, although tried to distance my self from him as much as possible and only gave limited responses to his messages in Work. By this point lots of people made reference (albeit in a jokey way) to how much he talked about me and ‘stalked’ me which again Made me feel anxious and uncomfortable.
Shortly after I changed departments, and thankfully he seemed to have taken the hint. He doesn’t come over to see me anymore, he rarely messages me ever in Work. Now and again I will bump into him on my dinner and he may sit with me and my other work mates for 10 mins or so, but it really just felt like he was treating me as a friend in the same way he treated anyone else in Work. I thought the novelty had worn off with me and felt glad.
However the other night was the work Xmas do, I was reluctant to go but after some persuading from team mates I went, but turned up late by which point everyone was very drunk, and me very sober. Bob was absolutely rotten, swaying, eyes were gone. He hugged me tightly and said in my ear “I fucking love you yeno. I was so into you for ages. I still am, you’re amazing”. I pulled away and said “Bob shut up you’re married. You have kids.” And I walked away. Later on I was outside having a social cigarette and he was there and told me that he wanted to send me some more songs he’d recorded, I asked him not to, as there was not a lot I could say about them. He was so drunk I didn’t even want to converse with him. Back inside I stood at the bar talking to a male colleague, who i’ll call Steve, who is actually my friends DP, about my friend who is unwell atm. Bob then came over, almost looking like he was on the warpath and stood in front of Steve so he could no longer speak with me. I asked him to move and he walked off. Later on he came over to me looking jealous and annoyed and asked “so are you and Steve an item now?” I replied “what the fuck are you talking about?!” And again he walked off. I left shortly after.
I now feel like I’ve had enough. No more am I giving this creep the benefit of the doubt, making excuses as other people have told me he’s harmless. How dare he disrepect my own relationship and make an assumption I am cheating on my DP just for talking to a male colleague- and who is he to imply who I can and can’t talk to?! I’ve today heard a rumour that he actually cheated on his wife shortly before their wedding years ago, with another colleague who still works there. Even more my eyes are opened- he’s not harmless, he’s a letch and I feel so sorry for his wife. Today he has messaged me in Work and I have blanked him. But I want to say something, I want to tell him enough is enough and that it stops now. I have told DP who is livid and wants to kill him. I feel so silly and naive I’ve allowed this to go on for so long. I genuinely do not believe I have ever given him reason to think I fancy him, I’ve never ever complimented him, I’ve never initiated conversation with him and I’ve never text him outside of work. I’ve been polite and friendly in the same way I am with any other colleague. I’m not a confrontational person but I’m not stupid, and I feel as though this post may read like I am! Naivety, And always seeing the best in people is my error here.
WWYD?