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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Childcare disaster

42 replies

MagpiesNUFC · 04/12/2017 19:18

My DS is 12 months old and I’m going back to work after Xmas. He has separation anxiety but is happy for me to leave the room, plays independently at home and happy to be left with close family. I don’t think it’s anything particularly bad but he’s my first child so I don’t really have anyone to compare him to!

Being a smug, organised person we chose a nursery for him when he was a couple of months old. A few weeks ago we had his settling in session and he was very upset. I was called to collect him early and realised I had doubts about the setting for DS (too many babies, not enough staff, too noisy).

Decided to use a childminder and found one nearby who did lots of outdoor activities. Suggested some ideas for how to settle DS which I think she did and I left him for an hour. When I went to pick him up he was calm and not particularly bothered by me coming back. She was gushing about how well he’d done. Great! Filled in mounds of paperwork and paid up.

Now I have received a text saying she can’t take DS on as he needed one to one attention and she can’t provide that. Isn’t that normal for a First settling in session in a strange environment with a stranger?

I’m not sure how to respond, AIBU to think a baby would need one to one attention on a settling in session? Two options have now failed and I imagine this will just make the anxiety worse for him! I’m not sure if I’ve done something to offend her, but I can’t think what. I would have expected ideally a face to face discussion or a phone call, not just a text. AIBU?

OP posts:

somanyusernames · 04/12/2017 20:11

I doubt you’re any more annoying than the rest of us we’re when we put our pfbs into childcare for the first time - she ought to be able to handle slightly over anxious parents.

mindutopia · 04/12/2017 20:13

I think that sounds really unprofessional on her part. Sorry you're going through this. Settling in usually happens over several visits. We didn't even leave ours for the first maybe 2-3 sessions and then I left her only for 20 minutes, then next time for an hour, then 2 hours, then 2.5 hours before she started her first half day. To have left him the first time seems a bit rushed to me and yes of course he would need one on one attention in a strange place. We used a nursery, but ours literally slept 2 naps a day in someone's arms for about the first 2 months! So that was 2 hours a day of one on one attention. If she isn't able to provide for a baby, she shouldn't be taking one on. I think perhaps you bit the bullet avoiding someone who perhaps doesn't have enough experience, but I'm sorry it still really sucks. I would keep looking until you find the right fit.

Fallenmadonnawiththebigboobies · 04/12/2017 20:15

I put my daughter in nursery at 11 months, it was really hard for the first month as she didn’t really want to eat and cried a lot. The staff were really kind and persevered with her. She began to enjoy herself and bond with the staff and other children and we didn’t look back. Settling can be really tough and take a while. I hope you find a setting you are both happy with soon.

3boys3dogshelp · 04/12/2017 20:16

Oh and ds1 took a good two months to settle at nursery. Fortunately they were absolutely amazing and stuck with us despite us both being high maintenance! Don't worry if he doesn't settle immediately, and don't worry if they don't do things just like you do at home. If they care about what they do and want the children to be happy the rest will (almost always) fall into place.

Original poster

MagpiesNUFC · 04/12/2017 20:16

any ideas on how to phrase my response? or should i just leave it?
I definitely don't want to try and talk her round!

Really hope we find a lovely childminder, it is hard when you feel you have made a good judge of character but clearly I didn't this time.

OP posts:

BumWad · 04/12/2017 20:19

this is all reassuring thank you! Everyone I know has children who settled straight into nursery with the standard two sessions.

DS took around 3 months to settle into nursery! We had to do half days, then full days and build it up very gradually (14 months when he started). He is fine now btw

Mookatron · 04/12/2017 20:19

Just say 'OK'. No need for anything else, I'm sure she knows she's screwed you over!

3boys3dogshelp · 04/12/2017 20:22

Sorry if I phrased it badly - I don't think you are annoying! I wouldn't waste too much time worrying about her or getting into a big discussion - as you say you wouldn't want her now anyway. Maybe just tone your expectations down a little and trust them to be able to manage.

user1471426142 · 04/12/2017 20:28

I don’t think it’s expected that a 12 month old would settle instantly. All of my friends’ babies took a while. My little girl was exceptionally good to settle and she took a few sessions. Did your nursery/child minder only offer one in each setting? Mine did about an hour each day for at least 3-5 days and even then I felt a bit short changed compared to other local ones who did more hours for settling in and covered meals and naps. I then did a week of 1/2 day sessions and my little girl was fine to start full time after that. Everyone said how rare it was to settle as easily as she did.

foolonthehill · 04/12/2017 20:28

I am a CM. I doubt you are anything other than a normal first time mum trying to get it right for your child. I would expect a child of this age to have some separation anxiety and need more attention. I expect the CM has changed her mind for other reasons.

Often children need different things in different settings. I like to know what parents do at home but I warn them I will probably do things a little differently and that I will do everything I can to keep the child(ren) content and feeling secure and in a reasonable routine.

I am sorry you have been let down but I would just reclaim your money and start again...it's unlikely that you will get much useful feedback and it may be stressful.

Carry on being yourself and I am sure you will find a good fit for your family

foolonthehill · 04/12/2017 20:30

PS
I would also expect to do more than one settling in session. I would often have one hour then a couple of 2 hours then a half day including nap and so on depending on how the child was doing.

oblada · 04/12/2017 20:31

I'd say you're lucky to have found out now!! I think I'm a pretty good judge of character but selected a terrible CM once and only realised a few weeks into it! It was a nightmare! As for nursery I wouldn't be impressed to be called to collect my child early!! It's their job to deal with things really! I've not even done settling sessions with my kids I'll admit, it seems more stress all round, just started a few days of nursery first with my KIT days and then full on when I was back at work :)

Original poster

MagpiesNUFC · 04/12/2017 20:33

user - nursery offered 2 hours with me present, 2 hours without and then straight into full time. I had doubts on the session that I stayed with him as I felt some of the babies looked really upset and I ended up spending most of my time comforting them with them on my knee! the staff were really busy. I left him despite my doubts after reassurance from the staff and they phoned me to come and get him because they couldn't stop him crying. The two things together made me reassess as I thought he would settle better in a more homely environment.

childminder offered flexible settling in - we had a plan for a few more shorter sessions this week and then half days the week after. (this plan was made in person after the first settling session when she told me he did well). But then she texted me the day after the first one hour session saying she couldn't take him.

OP posts:

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 04/12/2017 20:47

Having had 2 DCs go through nursery 3 days a week from 8 months old, from your description I wouldn't be happy with that nursery myself. That isn't enough settling in for a 1 year old imo, and it doesn't sound like the others were happy (though I know sometimes you get odd 'days like that' at any nursery)

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 04/12/2017 20:50

Also I think it's a bit odd you being allowed to interact with all the other children as well, as you won't have been checked out or anything (I'm sure you are lovely but the nursery won't know that)

Original poster

MagpiesNUFC · 04/12/2017 20:52

slightlypeturbed -

I wasn't 100% sure about taking him out of nursery, but I was worried about him not being settled enough for me to go to work if they called me back almost straight away. Maybe I was too hasty with nursery, who knows?

I thought we had it sorted when I went back to pick him up from the childminders and he seemed happy! Back to square one. I'm feeling more positive that we can sort it now after this - thanks everyone.

OP posts:

ZoopDragon · 05/12/2017 07:42

Don't waste your energy on the childminder. It could be anything. Maybe she found your DS too difficult, or she found an older child instead.

I'd find a good nursery. They'll have more staff, he'll have a key worker, more going on to entertain him. It's very normal for them to cry a lot the first weeks. My DD started at 8 months and spent the first few weeks being carried around on someone's hip! Staff were busy but very caring and she was in a baby room for under 2s. She loves nursery now.

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