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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil favours other GC

18 replies

MrsU88 · 04/12/2017 18:05

Mil lives abroad. Sil lives 15 mins away from her with her 3 children.

This all started when we had our eldest dc. Dc was born and she didn't come visit. She waited until we got passports for baby and visited her.
She then moved back to UK and was 2 hrs away.
We had dc2 and still she didn't come visit and waited for us to visit her. She would however come to football matches which would be a 10 mins drive from us.

Sil was living abroad and had her 1st dc. Within a day she was on a plane to see new baby.
Mil then decided to move back abroad to live near sil and her baby (silver has since had 2 more dc and mil is over daily and babysits all the time )

Now the aibu....to be annoyed that mil NEVER asks about my 2 dc? My dh is always sending pictures and messages about their achievements. ..eg dc1 got an award at school. He is only the 2nd to receive it and it's a whole school thing. Mil didn't even say well done....she said "we'll they give awards out like sweets at that school "
Then a few days later was gushing over fb about sils dc for graduating from nursery.

She never calls to ask about my dc. She buys them £5 tat for birthdays and Xmas (never asks what they like) . Yet spends £50 on random presents for sils dc and posts all about it.
My dc had a trip at the weekend and all she said was "they'll grow out of it" (a band) they were excited and we posted on fb how much they enjoyed it and they have completely ignored it.

Oh and she's tried selling our house for us...but got annoyed we won't sell to her friend for below market value. (We are planning on moving in 2 yrs but not in a rush and won't be taking a silly offer)

Anyway.....last time I said something she got in a mood and had a go at dh about it. Any advice?

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 04/12/2017 18:15

Tell your DH you won't be accommodating his DMs weirdness and you'd appreciate him NOT passing on any messages from now on.

Then leave all communication to him. You'll never have to hear from her again, never have to deal with her favouritism, feel the sharp stab when she dismisses your DC and their achievements. Your DH can do ALL of that - FOREVER.

If he moans tell him that you really don't want to be reminded she doesn't like your kids, or that she thinks your lives are so inconsequential she can dispose of your major asset to suit her friends, that it hurts that she values biological strangers more than your DH and DC, you don't want to deal with it any more. She is his problem, he can deal with it!

If you are lucky he'll stop contacting her so much...

Hisnamesblaine · 04/12/2017 18:18

Horrible woman! Is the Is a in law on her own? Could she be over compensating due to lack of father figure? Still disgusting behaviour

Tissunnyupnorth · 04/12/2017 18:19

Totally agree with curiousaboutsamphire. Remove yourself from the angst by leaving the communication to your DH. Her loss.

Do you have other GP/family you can focus on?

MistressDeeCee · 04/12/2017 18:23

She is who she is and if you strain your brain about it all, you'll only be miserable. I don't get on with my mum, we are NC. She does however see my DDs and Im fine with that . But what I find abhorrent is she has 11 grandchildren and only bothers with 3, being my DDs and my DSis son. All the rest she doesn't bother with. I feel sorry for my elder DB as he is so very hurt that mum doesn't bother with his DCs. I can't and don't want to fathom why she is like this, but it's put me off her even more

It'd be nice if people behaved decently in life. But for those that don't, you can't force them. & not everyone feels a strong family bond even if we decide to ourselves that they should. Your DCs have you, and I guess other extended family members. Make that enough, don't let her behaviour blight your life it's so not worth it

FizzyGreenWater · 04/12/2017 18:23

Off topic but... GRADUATING from nursery?! Grin

How have you managed not to write 'Phew! So glad she scraped through' on your SIL's FB wall?!

Tissunnyupnorth · 04/12/2017 18:24
Xmas Grin
FizzyGreenWater · 04/12/2017 18:24

But, to answer the question - fuck MIL.

Next time you get any nonsense, just message her -

stroll on you freak

then claim that your phone was hacked Grin

LoopyLou1981 · 04/12/2017 18:29

Well if I was being polite I’d say ‘ignore her, her grandchildren will be amazingly lovely people and make their own way in life without her input’.
If I wasn’t (and this might be the result of my first ‘post children’ Xmas lunch)... I’d tell her to go fuck herself sideways and stop being such a miserable po-faced cow 😳xz

ChristmasFOG · 04/12/2017 18:33

Exactly - let your DH deal with her 100% and don't ask him what he sends her/what her replies are.

Unfollow her on FB and change your FB settings so that she cannot see your posts about your children.

She is being very blatant with her nasty little power plays - it may not seem like it but that is good - she has very clearly shown you who she is and taken any guess work out of it.

How does your DH feel about this?

BarbarianMum · 04/12/2017 18:35

Sounds as though she prefers her dd to her ds and the way she treats her grandchildren is a reflection of this. Your poor dh. Sad

Original poster
MrsU88 · 04/12/2017 18:42

Haha I have very little to do with her after ds drew a self portrait and her reaction was "well he doesn't really have ears like that does he" to which I snapped yea his ears did stick out thanks for pointing it out and making him self conscious about them and if she bothered with him she would know this "

To answer the question sil is married to a really lovely man. She is a sahm so any time mil babysits (like every other day) is so she can have some time to herself.

Dh is just as annoyed that she doesn't bother with our children. He doesn't want to go nc as "we only have one family" and I just keep saying how they're not missing out as they have 2 sets of gp on my side and a gap. Dh uncle and aunt (who mil hates and has asked us to stop seeing...just the aunt) pop in every other month and always comment if we post something about the dc on fb. So they certainly don't miss out.

I just get annoyed....we've tried don't to let it annoy us but it still does.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsU88 · 04/12/2017 18:46

Last time I unfriended her on fb she sent dh messages every day and emails saying how upset she was now she couldn't see her gc! !! Even though she was still friends with dh and he is tagged in everything so she would have been able to see it.

And yes...graduated from nursery. ..they had gowns and caps and everything.

OP posts:
SheGotOffThePlane · 04/12/2017 18:51

Honestly - completely disengage. I have the same issue with my MIL and for the last year I can count on one hand the amount of times we have spoken. It's her that's missing out. You don't even need to actively go nc - just don't go out of your way to inform her of anything. I also blocked everyone on my IL's side on all social media and if they ask I've just said I'm not on it anymore. Do it - it's liberating.

Coloursthatweremyjoy · 04/12/2017 18:57

It sucks OP. I know.

Perhaps I have the answer as MIL actually said to DH "you are always closer to your daughters children than your sons". Which set the scene really.

My DC have been short changed in the grandparent area but I must say, they don't seem bothered. I feel more sad now as my DC are a bit older that it's their grandparents who actually missed out. They are great kids...shame they are missing it. They will probably regret it one day.

MistressDeeCee · 04/12/2017 19:37

BarbarianMum I found your comment interesting. Msde me think. As it really would appear it is about that. But re my DM and others I know fairly similar, it isn't about preference for DDs atcall, more so a stick to beat DDs with.

My DM does not like women. Doesn't maintain female friendships unless with women much older than her. Is heavily critical of myself and DSis. Very derogatory about other women including looks, figure, choices. She criticises me & DSis to our DCs all the time. Our DCs know what she's like so don't buy into it - sadly, we had to let them know what's what at a young age.

She doesn't like my DBs' partners. It's nothing specific they've done, just the way she is. So she ignores their DCs. All is a way to upset women. She plays off family members against the other, too... manipulating us as her own DCs to point of falling out..you can feel her glee.

One of my best friends..her DM is just the same. & reading Stately Homes thread once, made me realise we're not only ones.

But anyway for whatever reason it is, if someone shows you they don't like you and yours and/or won't engage with you, then you're best off leaving them alone OP. It's hard, but placing expectations on people who can't and won't fulfill them is the pits

LondonGirl83 · 04/12/2017 21:15

I'd agree that you have to emotionally disengage and pet of that is not initiating contact - she contacts you fine but stop putting yourself out there just to have your family rejected.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/12/2017 21:20

That is shut, lower your expectations of her, go nc with her, she sounds a thoroughly unpleasent woman. Do yiur children notice. Can yiur dh sit down and have a frank talk to her.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/12/2017 21:22

I would go low contact and still remain un friended with her.

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