If you were disabled, could not get a job, had no family - would you ever think of suicide?

[WhereAreTheOptions]

I have battled feeling this way in the past. It was a battle in the realest sense for me, I did win though and came out victorious.

Worried that I am having fleeting dark thoughts again. Not because of depression, I am not depressed. I love life. But I can't get a job, or I lose jobs I scrape into because my disabilities mean I do a poor job. I've lost my disability payments and lost my housing benefit that I access through PIP. I have no family I can go and stay with. I have a lovely partner I love so much in another country - I feel so bad because I'm a cause of worry with my financial insolvency.

It's like it feels logical and pragmatic to have these occassional thoughts in my circumstances because I don't see how it can get better. Where do I go if I lose my tenancy? How will I eat? How will I manage my medical equipment on the street? How can I put my partner through a shitstorm of worry?

My AIBU therefore is - am I just human, to have these unwanted thoughts?

I don't have the energy to have another severe mental health crisis. I need to be well. I need to fix myself if it's going down that road because I have nothing to hold me up at all now. Last time I was really ill, I at least had a secure home to live in.

Please tell me they are just normal thoughts?

I don't want to access food banks and I don't need to, for now at least.

At any rate food banks aren't a long term plan for a good life. Retraining takes money and energy.

I have plenty of will and determination, but money and energy are in short supply. I'd like to be one of those people who can work three jobs and go to night school - I can't.

I'm not explaining the complicated pain in the arse that is my patient file with all my comorbidities but I just don't have enough energy. It makes me so sad. There must be many more like me.

Suicide is my (inevitable) back up plan. I’m quite attached to the fact that everything will be Ok because if it all gets too much for my disabled son (his life is truly awful and he expresses that he doesn’t want to be here) I will assist him in suicide. I will of course need to “go with him”. I cannot see him being able to live with his many demons, without me and DH. He would be in a hospital/care situation and what with Winterbourne View and other horror stories relating to “care”, I don’t want that for him.

I absolutely understand you OP. I’m truly sorry you are in this position. Life is bloody unfair and we, as a country, should be ashamed of ourselves for putting disabled people in a position where they consider that suicide is an agreeable option should they become destitute or require full time care.

“We’re all in this together” said Theresa May.... We’re not though, are we Theresa?

OP, you write beautifully. Have you considered writing a blog? You are not alone but disconnected from others in a similar position.

As for your question, I believe there is a fine line between thinking rationally about suicide (I’ve done this) and it becoming less rational. There may be much more help and other options for your situation than you are currently aware of but cannot see right now.

You mention your dp. Do they know how you feel? Or other family or friends? And you are preguessing what a GP might say...most would take you very seriously even if there is no magic wand.

Reach out in RL and offload on here. If you want to offer more detail you may get more practical support. But maybe you just want to offload and that’s fine, too.