To wonder if anyone has experience of happy marriage where one partner looks down on the other's family?

[Phuquocdreams]

Feeling a bit despondent ☹️ I'm the one doing the looking down.

Please give us some more information OP.

I wouldn't describe my feeling towards DH's family as 'looking down' but I'm not that impressed by many of their attitudes and actions. Overall I would say disappointed. DH feels the same way though. They definitely have their good points but DH describes his mother as selfish and manipulative and his father as pompous and bigoted. Sadly, I have to agree and neither of us look forward to spending time with them.

Sorry in work so can't type long. Let is slip out today to dh that I didn't think much of how he was raised (in a disagreement about bedtimes for our children) and can't really ring to apologise as I realise I mean it.
Their dad in particular was a terrible example and frequently AWOL, though loves and is fantastic though I would imagine v lax (which I can see in my dh). No value on education, 3 of the family have been in prison, and absolutely horrific with money (parents now facing into an old age of penury v much of their own doing). I would be gutted if my family turned out like his - but he's mad about them so I can't exactly say that....

Sorry - loves and is fantastic with children

Well if you both look down on them then it isn't an issue.

He doesn't look down on them. On the contrary, he hero worships his dad.

My DP and I come from very different backgrounds; he is definitely middle class while I am very much from a working class background. We have had minor disagreements about the way things are done and money - as I never had it, I am not bothered about it so much and I don't like him spending stupid amounts on me, I want the bills paid and food in the cupboards. As far as I'm concerned that's all that matters. He doesn't look down on me or my family though, which I think is why it does work!

Well I guess all family's have their flaws and difficult things deal with. Just because no-one in your family has ever been to prison it doesn't automatically mean you know better about child rearing and bedtime etc! My dh family is much more disciplinarian than the way I was brought up and if course it creates problems for us sometimes in our own child rearing issues - I think his family is wrong and vice versa but ultimately neither of our families are better than the other. Just because his family are more outwardly dysfunctional than yours you shouldn't look down on them. No-ones perfect! And they've produced a man that you married!

Hmmm, I'm not much of a disciplinarian, but my dh is even worse - and our child is in constant trouble in school.

I think it depends on what your DP’s opinion of his family are? Is he like the rest of his family?
Also depends on how close they are.

I’m not keen on some of DH’s family, he’s not too keen on some of mine either. We’re both fully aware of our families faults and we’re both glad we’ve made better lives for ourselves.

I think the main thing is whether you and DP want the same things out of your lives, doesn’t matter where you’ve come from.

I guess we do. I prize education very highly though, whereas he does not. Also, we both have alcoholism/addiction in our families (his immediate, my extended) and my biggest worry is that this will happen to our children unless we provide more structure and boundaries than currently.

I am not sure what your issue is you argued about your own family and blamed his upbringing while not actually coming to any agreement about anything. Every family is indeed different being in prison isn't great is it but there is nothing for you to disaprove of why waste your energy.

Ok, ISWYM OP. granted the bed times and slightly lax parenting I can't get worried about, but as part of a bigger picture where your kids are in trouble at school and going to prison is at least somewhat normal in his family, plus poor financial planning and I'd be worried too.

I have similar too - DC's father is an arsehole who behaves appallingly and has (imho) low standards and it annoys the hell out of me.

The only solution I've found is just reinforcing that you don't find their standards acceptable and explaining WHY the way they want to raise DC is detrimental. Assuming he loves DC I'm sure a bit of it will sink in.

Princess

Mr Darcy and Elizabeth Bennett?

A one line comment and you want advice?