To feel completely overwhelmed

[thefutureisours]

I'm really struggling with everything at the moment. Working full time in a very stressful job with an almost 2.5 year old with suspected autism who doesn't sleep well. Dp doesn't really understand the potential implications of autism and has done fuck all research.

I am dealing with all the day to day house crap and most of the housework. I'm totally fucked and suffering from depression and very bad anxiety. I haven't been to the doc but I do know I need to go. Dp doesn't understand either anxiety or depression either so that doesn't help.

I've submitted a flex working request but don't hold out any hope for it being granted as work is really busy right now. I used to love my job but I hate it with a passion now.

I just feel totally done in at the moment. I feel like running away and never coming back. I would never do that of course. My son is far too important to me but I feel like I am failing him as I don't have any energy to do the things I should be doing with him. I've tried to get him interested in crafts and puzzles and things but he's just not interested. All he wants to do is chew things and watch tv. I just don't know where to turn.

That came out like a load of self pitying drivel. I think I just need a kick up the bum. Need to keep focusing on my son, he's such a lovely little boy, he's just struggling so much. I hate to see it.

That sounds like a lot on your plate, do see your GP as a priority please / bump for you

Your DO sounds crap. Start working on gaining emotional support from other people. Support group for other parents of autistic DC, friends, online groups, anything. It just feels like you are absolutely craving love and understanding at a very stressful time.
Start focusing on alternative support and distance yourself from your DP. He will either notice, reach out, try to do better...or he can fuck off.

*DP

DP needs to step up and help. Is there any chance you could go part time, even temporarily?

Can you go on the sick for a few weeks?

Sorry you are dealing with all this on your own op. What does your dp contribute to your life?

I'm so sorry, it sounds like you are having a really rough time.

My advice would be to be really kind to yourself right now, your mental health is the biggest priority, as you seem to be shouldering the entire emotional burden at the moment.

If he's happy watching a bit of tv, fine! If you need to cut corners in the day-to-day stuff with ready meals etc, do it. Really all your son needs is a happy mum.

Thanks everyone. I'm going to call the docs today and make an appointment. Dp is very good with him when he is being good but lacks patience sometimes. He has been trying to do a bit more but I don't think he fully understands the whole mental load thing.

I have a meeting with hr to discuss my request later this week so we will see what they say. I'm just totally mentally and physically exhausted just now.

I'd like to add that I expect dp is on the spectrum too. His ex who had an autistic child believed he was too. He told me that.

Sorry to hear. Sounds like you're doing a fab job. Can you get a lunch break at work to do something that you want to do e.g. walk in a park etc? It might break the day up and give you some 'me time ?

Good luck with the doctor and with HR. I think you'll start to feel a bit better once you've discussed it with them and can plan the next steps. Take care of yourself, talk to friends and relatives, let people help you.

I had what you describe but without the full time job and a new baby instead. It was beyond stressful to deal with and I can totally understand why you feel overwhelmed.

My xh also let me do all research while he claimed I was overreacting. Ironically he's far more pushy for a diagnosis 10 years on than he ever was at the time.I suspect he was mildly on the spectrum too. Sadly our marriage couldn't survive it.

Life is so much easier now if that gives you hope. Ds came on in leaps and bounds but that age was very much the hardest time of my life. Please make sure you look after yourself. If you can drop hours then do it.

The Sen board on here was a total lifeline at the time. I'm still in touch with some of the lovely mums a decade on.

HR meeting was postponed. Am hoping it will happen next week. It's been 4 weeks on Monday since I submitted my request and they are supposed to hold a meeting within 28 days so I'm not impressed. I have the doc on Monday afternoon so that is keeping me going for the moment.

I know nothing about autism, but 2.5 year olds are hard work in general. Who minds him when you're at work? Because if he's in nursery or something he isn't watching tv there and tv at weekends won't kill him.

Away from screens - DS had zero interest in crafts or scribbling at that age, but loved physical activity and pretend. We went to the park a lot. Had baths just to play in the water. He liked bathing his toys too.

He enjoyed messing with paint, we had Crayola finger paint, and we had one of those aquadoodle mats. The toy he loved best at that age was a shopping trolley and he used to fill it up with anything and push it around, fuel for the fire, dirty clothes for the washing machine, toys.

No matter what you do, even if you can distract him with something for 5 minutes, that's 5 minutes away from the screen.

And DS had zero interest in doing any of those things by himself, which is the hard part.

I hope you get to the GP as the more anxious I am, the less patience I have for doing anything with DS - he's 9 now. If I'm anxious I find it very hard to slow myself down to his level/complete waste of time.

Can you get a cleaner? Even every two weeks or once a month to do the hard stuff?

Hopefully your flex working request gets approved but if it doesn't any chance of working informally from home?

Definitely get an appointment with GP

I'm not surprised you're frazzled

We do have a cleaner 2 hours a fortnight and that's a godsend but the tidying up before she comes is a nightmare!

He is mostly at nursery while I'm at work but DP's parents have him one day a week. They are amazing with him.

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Hi future I'm so sorry you're going through this, it sounds hell

I am in a similar place and will post more details later (I'm at work at the moment) but did want to reassure you there are ways out, but I know how hopeless and overwhelming everything can feel at times. I will post tonight. In the meantime... please try and get yourself a GP appointment!!

sorry I just rtft properly and saw you had a doc appt yesterday, how did it go?

Have been prescribed sertraline. Was very sick on it yesterday but today a bit better. It's making me very fidgety though which is unnerving.

That is great! Big step forward. By coincidence I've just started on sert too. I will message properly tonight - sorry I didn't last night but I wanted to see how your doc appt went.

Sertraline is definitely helping. They said it would take a few weeks but I can feel a difference already. It is making my behaviour a bit erratic though. I got very snarky with someone at work today and had to apologise.

I know EXACTLY how you feel. Dd has suspected autism. We are now, finally, on the waiting list for an autism assessment. Dd has just turned 4, we started to notice issues around 13 months old. First it was just speech delay but over time it was other things like her being completely in her own world, absolutely unaware that other children existed (including her brother) and her completely lack of danger awareness.

2.5 was a horrible age for me, I too ended up on anti-deppresents, I was mentally, physically and emotionally drained. Dh refused to accept there was anything wrong and everyone was just "oh she'll catch up, she'll talk soon" blah blah as a parent you know something is wrong. Dh accepted it in time and is great now.

I can say though that dd has come on leaps and bounds. She talks now, lots of singular words and she can put sentences together, she hasn't run out into the road or in front of a car for about 8 weeks now! And she will walk with me, holding my hand so I can complete small shopping trips. Before she would scream and just bolt! We both once literally had to roll all over the floor in our local shopping centre with my hands round her ankles trying to stop her running away!

It is exhausting, I saw a thing on Facebook a few weeks back saying: "there's tired, there's exhausted and then there's autism tired" I've never read anything more true and unless you're experiencing it you just don't know what it's like.

I wouldn't have made it through all the shit we've been through if it wasn't for our amazing childminders, they have done so much for us and dd. It's a husband and wife team and the wife comes to appointments with me and everything.

Please look after yourself and keep pushing services for help for your child, good luck

National Autistic Society runs training workshops for parents & professionals. Both of you should attend and get in contact with their family support officers.