Who is being unreasonable? And does it matter!

[transvisionvamp]

Myself and my husband argue occasionally but we are both pretty good at apologising and accepting where each other are at fault.

We fell out at lunchtime and he attempted to brush it under the carpet but I told him I am really upset at him and he said he actually stands by it, so cue another arguments and now more silence from us both

So..we were out for lunch with his parents for his brothers bday yesterday. I suffer from anxiety and find social things difficult but I pushed on and we had a nice afternoon. This morning I had a little cry to him about my anxiety and how it leaves me drained. He is really good and understanding with it. This afternoon we had a lazy day planned but a few jobs. Putting the tree up and taking the dog to the park. He then said at about 1 that his parents want to meet for Sunday lunch. I said no way I was drained from yesterday. But if he wanted to go then that was okay, and to pick up some parcels of ours in their boot if he went. He said he would as to put in time now meant we had to commit to less over Christmas. Then I thought about it and got a bit annoyed, so I told him we actually did have some plans today and a second lunch in two days is unnecessary so I said in future can he be a bit more assertive with them.

He does normally do it might have been a bit harsh but then he had a bit of rant at me that I was being unreasonable as the whole reason he was going was to get the parcels I had moaned about he was being defensive as I think he knew I was right but just blurted out the first thing he thought of. Then he said goodbye and left. So I was left to do the chores myself and have a dinner for one because I didn't want lunch with my in laws 2 days in a row!!

He came back and said sorry if I upset you it wasn't my intention but it seemed I was looking to moan either way as at first I said go and then moaned. So he stands by what he said

Fair enough, but what I actually wanted was for him to say no to them and spend the day with his wife who was a bit low and would have liked some time together.

He's hurt my feelings a bit but I don't want to sulk over something small. But he doesn't see my point at all or he's pretending not to! AIBU?

Yes, YABU.

My husband would be cross with me if I said X was fine, the a ulked because actually, X wasn’t fine and that he should have somehow sensed that X wasn’t fine.

the a ulked = then I sulked

YABU , you said yes then changed your mind and he apologised for upsetting you ( when he didn’t need to as it was your problem anyway) .

I also think YABU. You told him he could go if he wanted to and then change your mind but got annoyed and complained when he did go.

well it sounds like you had a nice enough time yesterday in spite of possible sulking, and then today you said one thing, changed your mind then sulked some more because???

When he got back you told him off for wanting to see his family and really rammed it home and spoiled the rest of the day

Poor guy can't do anything right really.

Social anxiety is an absolute nightmare. I do think you were lucky that he agreed to go with out you. This meant he didn’t nag at you to go along and that you could have some alone time.

I wasn't sulking yesterday. I had 2 panic attacks in the restaurant.

And I didn't tell him off for wanting to see his family.

Everyone else, thanks, I was obviously being unreasonable and should have said how I felt. I'll apologise.

YANBU to have anxiety, to be drained by it, to make that known and to take time to yourself as and when you need it.

YANBU (necessarily) if time with the inlaws is becoming too much or too often, but perhaps a grown up conversation is needed to address that.

YABU to sulk at your husband for not staying with you, and make him feel guilty for going out. Take time for yourself.

Oh dear, yes you have been a little unreasonable, but suffering from anxiety myself I understand why you reacted the way you did.

Your DP sounds great, and as there's have said you should have said that you'd prefer to spend your day as previously planned rather than him going to his parents. Sounds like you changed your mind but then still blamed it on him. If it was me I would have taken it as a great opportunity to unwind and look after myself with a quiet day!

It was kind of him to apologise. I think you should probably apologise to him too.

*as others have said

And well done for pushing on yesterday! Sounds like you did well so be kind to yourself (and your DP - he's on your side!)

You didn't mention the panic attacks in your OP which could have affected the responses you've had so far...

I also think that your husband maybe thought he was helping by saying that he would have to see them less over Christmas?

He could have been thinking that if you’re tired you might want a rest, you need to pick up the things from his parents anyway and it means you can spend more of Christmas together.

I suffer from really awful social anxiety so you have my sympathies. It is incredibly hard.

However, I think it's important to keep telling myself that DH doesn't feel remotely like I do and enjoys being with people. It's not fair for me to hold him back from doing normal things because of my illness.

It would be very easy for him to isolate himself from the people he loves because he's worried about leaving me on my own. I don't want that for him.

I used to hate being alone and now I love it. I taught myself to spend the time doing lovely things like snuggling up reading or baking.

In your situation, I would have waved him off and spent the day recharging my own batteries.