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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Struggling Aibu?

21 replies

Allsortsofspuds · 03/12/2017 13:28

I have just separated from my partner of 13 years. We have 5 children together, one from my previous relationship.

We have split due to him physically shaking me after an argument and then doing the same to my 14yo dd and then raising his fist to her. The police came and s.s are involved but only to help with contact plans.

Although what he done was really bad for me and especially my dd the police didn't take it very seriously, neither have s.s and are quite happy for me to sort out contact.

My ex partner has been found to have mental health issues and is currently waiting to undergo and assessment. He has started to see the children once a week and I'm dropping them off to a public place such as kfc for example. The problem being is that at the moment I don't want to be with him although in the future things may change. I have told him this but he insists on hugging me when I drop kids off or when he drops them back and yesterday I hestintely let him into the house as tbh I felt sorry for him.

He has been staying on a friends sofa for nearly a month as he has been signed off work for the foreable. I have helped him with a deposit on a house share but according to him it is grotty and he doesn't even have his own key yet or even WiFi or a tv. I've obviously said he can share some of things from our once shared home but he won't take anything. I let him stay for a small microwave meal as he doesn't have hardly any money at the moment and I felt sorry for him. He is my kids father and I obviously can see he is struggling despite what has happened.

I do think though he is seeing more into this as he wanted me to move closer to him on the sofa and tried to kiss me upon leaving of which I said what do you think you are doing?.

I'm trying to keep things on good terms as he has rights to see kids and I do feel a lot of empathy for him and I obviously can't turn my feelings off although I'm not ready to get back with him anytime soon.
Even before the incident there were small signs of emotional abuse to me although I could always go out and see who I wanted.

Aibu to be helping him in any way?

OP posts:

Bambamber · 03/12/2017 13:33

This man was abusive to you and your children but you feel sorry for him? He's playing on your feelings and you're being a doormat.

You need to set clear boundaries, at the moment you're sending him mixed signals. Do you really want to hug the man that physically harmed your daughter?

Original poster

Allsortsofspuds · 03/12/2017 13:35

That's just it, I think it may be head games but how to I deal with contact if things like this keep happening. The s.s are not interested in doing supervised centre and have said it isn't cost effective for them.
I didn't really want to hug him

OP posts:

Original poster

Allsortsofspuds · 03/12/2017 13:36

I think iabu it's just such a complicated situation.

OP posts:

Angelicinnocent · 03/12/2017 13:37

Not unreasonable but probably not sensible.

It's one thing to facilitate him seeing DC but I would avoid contact where possible as he may take it to mean you are softening to him.

If DC are old enough, I would drop and leave without speaking to him or speak through window if you need to check anything, rather than getting out of the car and greeting him.

Heckneck · 03/12/2017 13:38

Wow. Emotional and physical abuse is one thing but to do the same to your daughter. He wouldnt be coming anywhere near me or my daughter again. Police and SS have a lot on and your case probably isn't top priority unfortunately. I wouldn't let him back, what if next time he does actually hit one of your kids? The damage that will do. It's a shame you still feel this way. Maybe try relate for some online counselling.

Angelicinnocent · 03/12/2017 13:38

And definitely don't let him in the house.

Original poster

Allsortsofspuds · 03/12/2017 13:39

I don't drive and his place isn't suitable for the dc. So at the moment the only option is cafes and play areas. My youngest is 3yo so I have to actually give them over to him. That all goes well but it's him bringing them back to my home which is causing these issues. I will stand my ground next time and say we are busy

OP posts:

Heckneck · 03/12/2017 13:39

Also, so what if he's struggling. He didn't have to shake you or threaten your DD. Let him struggling. He needs to get his own help.

Heckneck · 03/12/2017 13:40

What MH issues does he have? Is he even fit to look after your children?

Bambamber · 03/12/2017 13:41

I know it's hard but you need to be assertive and take control of the situation. So when you drop off the children, keep your interaction with him mininal. So literally along the lines of 'hello, I will pick them up at x' and walk off. No small talk, no opportunity for him to get close. If he tries any kind of physical contact, tell him politely to please not touch you as you are no longer in a relationship.

Do not give him any money and do not let him in your house. If you're worried how he may react if you're cold and distant with him, do all exchanges on front of a police station. Is there someone you could take with you for exchanges?

Original poster

Allsortsofspuds · 03/12/2017 13:42

He was beaten as a kid by his father and is suffering depression and needs an assessment which is not until next month. Mental health in this area is crap.
Ss seem to think he is okay to see dc and have given the go ahead. I don't have anyone else to facilitate the contact either as no one I know wants to get involved

OP posts:

Original poster

Allsortsofspuds · 03/12/2017 13:44

Thankyou bambama I think that makes perfect sense.

OP posts:

Heckneck · 03/12/2017 13:45

Ok, but just remember him being beaten by his father doesn't mean he has any right to take that on you or your DC.

Original poster

Allsortsofspuds · 03/12/2017 13:48

I know heckheck, depression doesn't make you abuse others, it's a choice.
I think where the police have played it down it's confused my head

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Allthewaves · 03/12/2017 13:49

You need to stop giving him hope that you may get back together. Either you work a time scale plan of getting back together or you call it a day completely. You said twice in your post you may get back together etc. This could be sending him all the wrong signal

Original poster

Allsortsofspuds · 03/12/2017 13:51

I think your right allwaves. What I've actually told him is that for now I want to keep things amicalable and the kids are most important as they obviously want to see him but that I have no immediate plans of getting back together. I've told him im looking at a year and that's if he changes at all

OP posts:

Heckneck · 03/12/2017 13:53

Please for your own sake don't get back with him. Do take some time in talking to others who have been through what you're going through. The police see DV cases every day and unless you were to press charges for whatever reason there's little they can do. Emotional abuse is illegal too. It sounds like he's done quite a number on you. Please get some help. Relate have an online chat service where you can talk for free.

MrTrebus · 03/12/2017 13:54

Move on you can do better. Repeat repeat repeat. Yes you may somehow someway get back together one day but do not keep saying that to him or yourself, for now you're split up,you're separate people living separate lives you just share contact of your children that's it. Do you really want to consider getting back with someone just because you feel sorry for them? You can do better and so can your kids.

RunningOutOfCharge · 03/12/2017 13:55

Well you've given him hope right there. You can't tell him ' in a year'!!! It has to be a complete split for men like this

I went through it with my own ex. I had to be crystal clear

Tell him to look into contact centres for contact. KFC is not good enough.... as you are paying!

Oh, and you said he has rights to see the children?? No. No he doesn't actually. The rights lie with the children only

He has responsibilities though

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 03/12/2017 13:59

I can’t help but feel by being nice to him you are teaching your dd that it is okay to act like that x

Original poster

Allsortsofspuds · 03/12/2017 14:15

They don't really want to do contact centres as they think it's not something they could offer in my situation.
I think I will have to start picking them up from the actual cafe, place etc to avoid the being in my home situation.

OP posts:

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