to want my mum to make the effort for DSIS2 at christmas

[BabySockKittens]

A bit of background first so I don't drip feed later.
Me and my mum have always had a strained relationship. My dad worked away most of the year so it was mostly me, my mum my brother and my sister when I was a kid.
My sister (DSIS1) has autism and when we were kids I was very resentful of how much extra time my mum gave to my sister. Dsis1 could be very violent when we were kids. We shared a bedroom and she would break all our things and scream all night. My mum wouldn't let us go to any afterschool activities because she didn't want to take my DSIS1 there and we couldn't have friends over to play. Me and my mum used to argue a lot about it because I felt it was unfair.
This was particularly bad on christmas day as my sister used to try and open my presents and take all my new toys and my mum used to make me give them to DSIS1 to stop her having a meltdown.

As I became a teenager I realised that this wasn't my sisters fault and I tried harder to be understanding with her. I also got a couple of small jobs with neighbors to pay for me and my brother to go to after school clubs to keep us out the house which also helped.

Then my mum got pregnant with my youngest sister (DSIS2) and my mum and dad split up. So my brother and I looked after DSIS2 a lot while my mum mostly looked after DSIS1. We also tried to make sure DSIS2 had some special time away from DSIS1 and my mum and we made sure she had her own space.

I stayed at home while attending university mostly to look after DSIS2. In my last year I became pregnant and had my DD. So I moved out the family home with DD's dad and got a job. My mum was upset at first because she didn't want to manage the activities my brother and I enrolled my DSIS2 in and look after DSIS1. However I still spent a lot of time with DSIS2 and she slept over at ours most weekends. My mum eventually accepted that I had my own family now as well and forgave me for moving out.

Then I found out I am am pregnant again and DDs dad left me. My brother finished university himself and moved in with me and DD. We also started taking my DSIS2 more and more and she pretty much lives with us now (she stays with us every night and only visits my mums during the day for a few hours at weekends).

In the summer holidays DSIS2 admitted to me that she really wants to spend some more time with my mum. But DSIS2 hates staying there because my mum won't spend time with her and DSIS1 breaks hers stuff. So I have been trying to encourage my mum to spend more time with DSIS2. But my mum just isn't interested. I offered to pay for respite care but my mum won't take it.

So to now DSIS2 (10) really wants to spend some of christmas day with my mum. But my mum keeps saying that she will be too busy with DSIS1 to spend time with her. I said me and my brother will take DSIS1 out for a bit but she said she doesn't want to be apart from DSIS1 at christmas and it was DSIS1's christmas too and she deserved to spend it with her mum.

I pointed out that DSIS2 is also her daughter and just wants sometime with her. My mum said that I had always been jealous of DSIS1 and thats why I was pushing this and she was fed up of my selfish behavior. So I lost it a bit and pulled up everything from my childhood where my mum had disregarded my feelings and how it had spoilt my relationship with her and I didn't want the same for DSIS2.

My mum told me how awful and disgusting and said she was glad she hadn't made time for me because I am obviously a shitty person. She then started pushing me out the house saying she had raised a horrible daughter and she hated me.

My brother then sent me some pictures of things my mum had posted on facebook. Slagging me off saying I was a disablist bitch and then going on to announce my depression and mental health issues and for someone who had so many issues she can't believe how hypocritical i'm am.

So I text her telling her how sorry I am but that DSIS2 really wants to spend time with her at christmas and please could we find a way to make it happen for her. So far she hasn't replied but I just know I have completely blown it for DSIS2 now and my mum wont see her. But I really just want her to spend time with DSIS2 as it would mean the world to her.

So AIBU to want my mum to spend time with DSIS2 , or should I just accept that she is too busy with DSIS1 and stop pushing it because DSIS1 is always going to need more care and attention and maybe I am not considering that enough.

Make sure you are getting child benefit and tax credits for your sister...

My youngest sister didn't have a young carers role , it's more that she never has anytime with my mum. Even when she lived at home me or my brother would take her out and to her activities and she had to put herself to bed because my mum didn't want DSIS1 by herself for too long.

I don't know why exactly my mum is so against it. DSIS1s routine is disrupted at Christmas anyway so anymore disruption won't make that much of a big difference. DSIS2 wouldn't get any attention if DSIS1 was there and DSIS2 would also be reluctant to go because DSIS1 will probably break her stuff or get upset with her being there.

Where is your dad in all this? You haven't mentioned him so I assume he's not in touch with your sister at all?

So she must be feeling rejected by all her parents. I would push very hard for counselling, she could easily go off the rails when she is a teenager if she isn't able to come to terms with her feelings

I don't really know what to advise about Christmas other than to say maybe try a letter to your mum setting everything out and suggesting a time for her to be with DSIS2, maybe the hours that they normally spend together on the weekend

Then I would leave her be so she can think about it. Good luck it sounds like a shit situation

It sounds like your disabled sister has become your mum's life. It's really sad for you all, especially the little one. I don't know what else to suggest but I am sure she will have a wonderful time with you x

My dad sees us around 5 weekends a month. He sends money to me and my mum for DSIS 2 and he sends Christmas and birthday gifts.

Even when we were kids before he split with my mum we didn't see him very often. He would work away for 3 months and come back for a week and then go back to work.

Right. Your mum is awful.

I think push to become dsis2's legal guardian, and push for counselling to help her accept that your mum is never going to be a decent parent to her, and to mourn that. Chasing unavailable love is incredible damaging to one's self esteem and identity. Dsis2 needs to know this is about your mothers failure to be a good parent, rather than reflecting on her being unlovable. You and your bother sound amazing btw x x

The guardianship thing -
If anything happened to your sister, say she broke her leg and needed an operation, what would happen? As her sister you can't necessarily sign the forms or stay on the ward with her overnight etc

Sort of a "worst case scenario" but all sorts of things may crop up that she needs An Adult to be there

You and your brother sound amazing. The same cannot be said for your mother

I don't know how old your DS1 is or how old your Mother is but has she not thought about how your Sister will cope when your Mum becomes to old or ill to be her full time carer?

I know how hard it is,we have 5DC and 2 of our DC are autistic but we've had to find ways to juggle it all and I honestly believe that's one of the reasons that all 5 of our DC have such close relationships with one another and with us.

It honestly does sound like SS need to be involved for all of your sakes,your Mother needs outside help and your Sister needs to be able to be cared for by someone else even if it's only an hour or two twice a month
.
I know right now that would sound unthinkable to your Mum but there are children I know that are on the most extreme end of the spectrum that are also suffering with selective mutism and they're parents receive some respite,I also know of some parents where they're DC very sadly have a life limiting condition and they also receive respite occasionally,so as unrealistic as it may seem to your Mother it is possible,it's not easy but then your Mum's life sounds far from easy as it is and it could be of a huge benefit to your DSIS1 as well.

I hope your able to get through to your Mother,please know what she said isn't true you sound the least selfish person possible.

SS aren't involved.
My mum does a great job looking after DSIS1 and she has told me its much easier now the rest of us don't live there because her and DSIS1 have a routine and she says they cope much better now

If your mum can only cope with dsis1 why on earth did she have 3 more children.

As the primary carer part of her job is to make sure she has time for all of her children not just one child.

The impression I get is you dm might have given birth to 4 children but only really loves one.

You have offered to take dsis1 so she can have some alone time with her 10 year old dd and she refuses the offer. That just is such shitty behaviour.

This isnt going to end well for her. As someone above posted. What happens when she has alienated everyone around her and she becomes too old and frail to look after DSIS1.

DSIS 1 is 19.
I'm the eldest then my brother then my sister's.
I just worry that calling SS will just make everything worse. I know my mum would probably be upset and feel like I'm saying that she isn't coping.

As an aside would your Mum consider taking Dsis 2 our before Christmas as a special one on one outing??? Rather than making it about Christmas Day?

I really do sympathise, OP. My DB has serious MH problems and my DM has focused so much of her time on sorting his life out for him. My DSis and I have often felt as though she doesn't see how hard things have been for us sometimes. She's also expected us to look out for him when she's not around (she travels to Africa regularly for charity). It's changed somewhat in recent times now she understands how bad it was for us growing up, but very late in the day, as we're all in middle age now and she's 78.

I know my mum would probably be upset and feel like I'm saying that she isn't coping

But she isn't coping. If you have children as young as 10 years old and you cant spare any time for them then that is saying you aren't coping with flags on.

What you mum said, and did on fb was horrible. There is no excuse for that, at all.

It is very hard to juggle a disabled child and a family, and I can see where & why your mum takes on the lions share, and has perhaps martyred herself somewhat. But without another adult to help with your sister, then she has no choice but to do it all, really.

DSIS1s routine is disrupted at Christmas anyway so anymore disruption won't make that much of a big difference.

It sounds like you do not fully appreciate the demands of looking after a child with a disability. My daughter is autistic (not as severe as your sister sounds) and she would not cope in respite or too many altered plans. We took her on a huge day out recently and it took her two days to regulate herself again (and that was something she REALLY wanted to do). It really took it out of us all.

She is OK with others, for short periods of time, but she only stays with people who know exactly what she is like, what her preferences are, and how to handle her being overwhelmed without escalating her distress. Aside from dh, that's 2 other people.

I can't believe the posters here calling your mum all sorts, when they actually have such a small amount of info to go on. Yes, she has made big mistakes, and she is still making them, but it sounds like she is stuck in the merry-go-round that has you believing that you cannot trust anyone to do what you for your children.

What you are doing for your sister in great. Only you know if calling SS will help or not. Or whether it will cause more issues between you & your mum. Your mum needs help to see that she can juggle both her young children. But I would bet that she has some type of depression, and or anxiety that prevents her from seeing things clearly.

I just know I have completely blown it for DSIS2 now and my mum won’t see her.

You sound like an amazing big sister. You haven’t blown anything for her, you’ve created a safe, secure and loving environment that you and your brother never had. Your mother has done this all by herself.

I think it is time to stop protecting your mother and worrying if she will be upset if you legally take your little sister on or contact social services. The most important thing is to do what is right for your sister. And I think it’s time to accept that you have 3 children, not 2

Your mother sounds very stressed and strained. All your life she has demonstrated she is not able to cope with any responsibility other than your autistic sister. She wasn’t able to when you and your brother were children. And she still cannot now.

The Facebook rants and the nasty things she said to you are not manifestations of a happy, well balanced mother, who is coping. I cannot imagine she would say these things if she were. That doesn’t let her off the hook. But I think you need to accept her limitations and find a way to reconcile this in your mind.

Your sister is 10. My dd is 9. I think it is time to explain to her in an age sensitive way that her mummy loves her. But she cannot look after her and it is too difficult to spend time with her as your autistic sister wouldn’t be able to cope. It is far better for your sister to accept the situation and know that she has secure and loving attachments with you and your brother.

I really think you should make this a formal arrangement and take legal responsibility for your dsis.

I agree with Mummyoflittedragon'. Just want to add that you absolutely had nothing to be forgiven for re the moving out and to agree that your Mum isn't coping with her parenting duties as is totally failing in her duty of care to your younger sister.

In the long term counselling would be a sensible option. She might be fine now but she's going to enter the murky world of teenage hormones before long and it's unpredictable as to how that will go. Definitely think you should be her legal guardian to give her the stability she will need. You and your Brother are brilliant, a huge well done to you both.

Ok your mother is a nasty, nasty woman. She robbed you, your db and now ds2 of a childhood. As someone suggested try go for custody of your sister as you are already the mother to her. And we'll done to you for raising yourself , siblings and your own kids.
She doesn't deserve to be called a mother.

I think you should involve someone else to mediate to your dm.
the ds12 needs her mum, she wants her mum. can you go to social services disability team perhaps and ask someone to mediate. It is so sad and unfair that the ds12 cannot have time with her own dm

you getting legal guardianship of her isnt going to change her feelings towards her mother.

OP, you’re amazing and your mum has her priorities skewed.

YES, your sister has special needs that are obviously time consuming for your mum BUT she also has other children, particularly the 10yr old that need her too and she should try and balance it out when she can.

Surely she should snap your arm off when you offer to stay with sister 1 so she can spend some time with sister 2.

It’s so hard but just carry on with what you’re doing for your sister and try and give her a bit of normality

Your DM may be a great mum to DSis1 but thats completely at the expense of the rest of you. She isn't coping at all. You really need to consider social services.

OP you are doing a great thing and absolutely hats off to you. And definitely important to help your little sister by talking about the situation with your DM openly, and getting her counselling- from which you might also find support. you’ve all been through this.

But - not wanting to take away at all from what you are doing, which is amazing- how is your father not more involved in the lives of you and your siblings? He does 5 weekends a year? OK he lives far away and has a new family and he helps a bit financially. But is he doing actual fathering..?

His youngest is understandably very distressed by the situation with your mum who can’t provide a parenting relationship with 3 out of 4 of his children.
It seems wrong that he is not being a more present dad to her (or doing more to help you and your brother) either.

Your mum sounds awful.

You should apply for custody of your sister, you sound amazing OP.

I don’t really have any advice, I just wanted to say you sound like an amazing sister and I’m glad that your siblings have someone to rely on.

Big well done to you and your brother.

Now, if I were you, I would:

• Cal social services and ask for an assessment (setting yourself up to be legal guardian of your sister)
• Report your mum as she is failing in her duty as a parent. She is required to provide for ALL of her children not just one at the expense of others.
• Apply for legal guardianship of your sister.
• Transfer Child Benefit, Tax Credits and Maintenance into your name.

Once again, you are doing amazingly OP