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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be furious about this article and cancel my Guardian subscription?

475 replies

whycantwegoonasthree · 01/12/2017 16:50

www.theguardian.com/society/2017/nov/30/children-removed-from-family-home-over-parents-open-relationship

The children weren't removed because of their parents 'open relationship', they were removed because the parents were neglectful and didn't safeguard the children. The headline is a deliberate distortion.

This is a dreadful baity headline/article at the expense of the polyamorous community. I expect better from the guardian - to which I pay a f-ing subscription...

AIBU to cancel my Direct Debit?

OP posts:

PumpkinSquash · 01/12/2017 21:58

You're actually really creeping me out now.

And me. Actual shuddered. Sincerely hope you're a troll just looking for kicks, as FFS, abuse takes several forms and exposing them to all you say you've said to them definitely is. I hope they get a good therapist when they're older, they're going to need it.

Original poster

whycantwegoonasthree · 01/12/2017 21:59

And I imagine that the question "do you have other boyfriends too mummy?" will come up before long. At which point I'll say something like "yes, I have one other boyfriend, but he lives a long way away, and another girlfriend who I spend time with sometimes, but that i don't spend very much time with them because I'm pretty busy with you and DP," and take it from there.

I can't see what's damaging or confusing about that.

OP posts:

ButchyRestingFace · 01/12/2017 22:00

I find it hard to believe any child is asking its parent whether he/she minds being “shared” sexually.

🤢

PumpkinSquash · 01/12/2017 22:02

If you are for real take a long hard look at fingersonbuzzers posts and wake up to actual damage it causes.
fingers

FlowerPot1234 · 01/12/2017 22:03

whycantwegoonasthree
I would say that things have moved on significantly in recent years, and there is more guidance around as to how to do alternative relationships well and in a healthy way for all concerned.

OP, referring to my earlier post concerning research showing a higher incidence of depression, anxiety and mental illness in those who conduct polyamorous relationships, I am interested in the "healthy" way you describe here.

Have you had experience of mental illness by any parties in your set up?

fingersonbuzzersplease · 01/12/2017 22:04

Thanks pumpkins and others.

(Luckily I do have a great therapist - I certainly needed one).

Original poster

whycantwegoonasthree · 01/12/2017 22:05

fingers - you have described your parents indulging in sexual acts in front of you - and I can see how that would be damaging. It would never happen in our home.

I'm simply saying that I am honest with my children if they ask me questions, and that when they inevitably ask me about sex they will simply get the message from me that it is natural, healthy and positive when done in a healthy and positive way.

Factual but positive. I'm not going to go into graphic detail.

Not a troll pumpkin, sorry to disappoint. And my children are well, happy, and not exposed to anything inappropriate. I've just gone with the radical idea that telling children the truth (in an age appropriate way) is a good thing.

While i can see now that the proper thing to do is to lie to them...

OP posts:

Original poster

whycantwegoonasthree · 01/12/2017 22:08

I have suffered with depression and anxiety almost all my life, Flowerpot. Since I was eight.

None of the others involved have any history of mental illness.

I've not heard of the study you refer to - perhaps you could link to it?

OP posts:

PumpkinSquash · 01/12/2017 22:09

Factual but positive. I'm not going to go into graphic detail.

Saying that you all share each other and sleep around, yeah, that's not going to emotionally mess with their head at all.

Original poster

whycantwegoonasthree · 01/12/2017 22:10

"If you are for real hmm take a long hard look at fingersonbuzzers posts and wake up to actual damage it causes."

Pumpkin - what fingersonbuzzers describes is entirely different kettle of fish.

There are plenty of people severely damaged by their parents bad and abusive marriages. It doesn't mean that all marriages are damaging and abusive.

OP posts:

user1471596238 · 01/12/2017 22:10

Is there any newspaper that one is going to agree with verbatim all of the time? We pick a newspaper that tends to synch with our political views but we won't always agree with what's printed. It's clear from reading the comments that there are people on here that do not agree with the views espoused by the guardian and will be happy for an excuse to bash it, just like there are plenty who don't like the Mail for their views and will do likewise. If you want to cancel a subscription to a paper based on a single article, you don't need to ask MN. If you have a general issue with a newspaper and want to know whether others agree or disagree then that seems like a valid topic for debate.

fingersonbuzzersplease · 01/12/2017 22:11

"Pumpkin - what fingersonbuzzers describes is entirely different kettle of fish"

It's pretty much the exact same kettle of fish as what was going on in the article you came on here to rant about

Original poster

whycantwegoonasthree · 01/12/2017 22:12

We don't sleep around. We just don't think that monogamy is the only way to do relationships. It works for some people but not everyone.

And when DD referred to sharing she wasn't talking about sex. She's seven FFS. She was talking about time, primarily. And hobbies. And cars, actually.

OP posts:

MrLovebucket · 01/12/2017 22:13

Well quite MrLoveBucket. That's entirely my point. This has nothing whatsoever to do with open relationships per se.

Might have helped if you'd articulated that by linking to the judgement in your OP. Not everyone is going to click through to it from an article to get the full picture. Even just saying "this was NOT an open relationship, it was abuse of a woman with a learning disability" But you didn't, hence the way this thread has gone.

So yes, I agree that the Guardian article was misleading when you read the whole context.

Original poster

whycantwegoonasthree · 01/12/2017 22:14

I'd suggest that the parents in the article, your parents, and my set up are all entirely different - merely linked by the single factor of non-monogamy.

But the same could be said of the thousands of damaging and not-damaging parenting done by married people.

OP posts:

C8H10N4O2 · 01/12/2017 22:15

From the article: “In respect of both parents, the court is not concerned about their private lives and how they will conduct them unless it impacts on the care of the children – which at this time was neglectful.”

It specifically states it was the way they conducted their lives an not the fact of the open relationship.

Also "open"!="poly" relationship.I am surprised at you conflating the two considering you post quite a bit on the subject.

FlowerPot1234 · 01/12/2017 22:17

I have suffered with depression and anxiety almost all my life, Flowerpot. Since I was eight.
I'm sorry to hear that. Do you think there is any connection between your depression and anxiety and your polyamorous choice?

Interestingly I have been much better in my current relationship(s) than in any previously. Especially in my monogamous 'traditional' marriage which was the most unhealthy I have ever had, despite being oh so respectable on the outside.
Was the marriage unhealthy because it was monogamous or because the relationship was inherently unhealthy?

None of the others involved have any history of mental illness.
Would you really know?

I've not heard of the study you refer to - perhaps you could link to it?
As I said, I can't remember where it was, so afraid not.

YetAnotherNC2017 · 01/12/2017 22:17

A newspaper with an inflammatory and misleading headline?

Surely not.

PumpkinSquash · 01/12/2017 22:17

There are plenty of people severely damaged by their parents bad and abusive marriages. It doesn't mean that all marriages are damaging and abusive.

I never said it did.

Exposing your kids to your sex life in any way shape or form though, even by telling them you get shared around - no words. Sick

NeedsAsockamnesty · 01/12/2017 22:17

Cancel your subscription if you wish I don’t care.

But you have kids young enough to call you mummy and you appear to think you are being oh so right on and acceptable exposing them to adult conversations and information so they fully know about your relationships and you feel the need to be sex positive with them.

You need to have a serious look at your boundaries and ability to understand age appropriate communications.

Quite frankly I’m not surprised in the slightest that you have taken the article as a personal lifestyle attack on you, it sounds like you need to.

Oh and I have no issues at all with none monogamous conduct but you need a reality check.

PumpkinSquash · 01/12/2017 22:18

We don't sleep around. We just don't think that monogamy is the only way to do relationships.

Well, there's an oxymoron if ever there was one

Candog · 01/12/2017 22:19

YABU

Queenofthedrivensnow · 01/12/2017 22:20

It's a bit smoke flakey isn't it - this polyamory lark.

Also I expect it takes up a lot of time And frankly has few if any benefits for the child

SoftSheen · 01/12/2017 22:23

We just don't think that monogamy is the only way to do relationships

Call me old fashioned, but I think that a loving, committed monogamous relationship is preferable when you are bringing up a family of young children.

PumpkinSquash · 01/12/2017 22:25

Call me old fashioned, but I think that a loving, committed monogamous relationship is preferable when you are bringing up a family of young children

Absolutely. Nothing old fashioned about that. If it is I'm 100% old fashioned too!

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