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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DS & DD sharing room at 9 & 5

50 replies

Happyhappyveggie · 01/12/2017 10:30

DS is nearly 10 & DD is nearly 6 and at the moment they have to share a room as we rent a 2 bed & can’t afford a 3 bed. It’s not been a problem so far as it still a bit like musical beds in our house with DD mostly wanting to sleep with me. But yesterday she went to play at another girls and came back very upset because the little girl had her own room & my DD obvs felt that her room wasn’t as good as she shares with her brother. I am also conscious that my DS can’t share a room with his little sister for much longer as they both need their own space.

AIBU to think another year might be ok though? Has anyone else had boy/girl sharing?

It makes me feel like such a failure that I can’t currently give them their own bedrooms- I have a small dining room in our tiny rental house that we have turned into a little play area for DD and I made her a den last night to cheer her up but it’s affecting us all having very little personal space. I worry about
DS hitting puberty and not having his own space.

OP posts:

steppemum · 01/12/2017 11:19

I am amazed at all the people suggesting that parents sleep in the living room in this context.
Why?

2 kids sahring is really not the end of the world. In fact it was quite normal until this generation. It really is NOT normal to expect every child to have their own room!

My rule of thimb would be that once ds hits secondary age, you will need to work out something different to bunk beds, but even then I would think you still have a year or 2.

And if you could never afford the 3 bed? Well, that's life they will be fine.

I think managing your dd's expectations is more to the point. ds used to be insanely jealous of his friend, he (the friend) actually shared a tiny room with his brother, but they had an x box in it. I just told him that wasn't happening in our house, not all families are the same.

She needs to hear that although she doesn't have the same as her friend, she does have lovely safe warm room, nice family, favourite toys, and maybe get her to think of all the things she loves about her house and family.

coddiwomple · 01/12/2017 11:43

I am amazed at all the people suggesting that parents sleep in the living room in this context.
Why?*

Well, why not? Many families do. Some children are very happy to share, others need their own space, why not giving it to them when you can?

It's not the same at all as wanting a poney, or a unicorn. It's respecting the kids need and doing your best for your children. They are individual, I know 3 kids who share the same bedroom and they would be miserable to be separated. It doesn't work for everybody. Others like to go to be later, or sleep later and it's just not workable in the same room.

Nothing wrong with giving your little girl privacy.

thecatsthecats · 01/12/2017 11:52

I'm planning for my currently non-existent kids to share a bedroom until about 7/8ish and we live in a 3 bed house - the third bedroom is small, and it would be a better use of the space to have it as a modest guest room and space for us to do the ironing/storage etc as our master bedroom is on the smaller side also (basically have a big wardrobe on the 3rd bedroom used for all the family).

She might have been a little upset, but I think it's weighing on you more because you know YOU want to change the situation. I doubt it's eating her up inside, and you have a plan to change in a good time frame. Once you have more concrete plans, you can enjoy her excitement at getting her own room.

10kToBe · 01/12/2017 12:01

Turn the dining room into her bedroom and just eat on the sofa!

19lottie82 · 01/12/2017 12:09

From the sounds of it there is no room for the OP to sleep in the living room.

Try not to fret OP, my DP's got divorced and I had to share a room with my half brother, 3 nights a week, from when I was 11 (he was 2), to 18 (he was 9). It wasn't ideal but neither of us have been scared for life!

I think MN'ers always make a bigger deal out of this than they actually need to.

Rather than waste your energy worrying about this just now, try and focus on a long term plan to get a larger place sorted within the next couple of years.

19lottie82 · 01/12/2017 12:10

Turn the dining room into her bedroom and just eat on the sofa!

I'd go for this solution at the moment too.

flumpybear · 01/12/2017 12:11

My 9&5 year olds (DD eldest) never sleeps alone, DS has his own room but hates sleeping alone so they often end up sleeping in her room as she has a double bed, or in with me and DH so it’s a bit of a squash .... I hope he grows out of it before he gets much bigger or I’ll need a bigger bed lol!

I wouldn’t worry unless they don’t like it - if that’s the case you could perhaps get a dividing curtain

QueenOfAllISurvey · 01/12/2017 12:14

So the adults in the house should give up their bedroom so the kids can have one each?!

Wow, I'm amazed by this. I can't imagine my Dad kipping on a camp bed so that I didn't have to share space with someone whilst I was asleep.

They'll just have to wait until such times as you can make the move, OP. It's perfectly normal for kids to share.

MoonWeaver · 01/12/2017 12:17

When DB and I were 12 and 15, we had to both sleep in the living room for 6 months. While it wasn't ideal, it certainly did not do us any harm other than a few stressful nights.

They will be ok - I think our society puts too much stock in privacy when it comes to children.

coddiwomple · 01/12/2017 12:25

So the adults in the house should give up their bedroom so the kids can have one each?!

No one is saying there's one rule for all, and that ALL parents should act in the same way. All I am saying is that when needed, many parents do, to make everybody's life a lot easier. Nothing wrong with that.

Not everyone is the same, just read the thread about posters from big families: some hated the lack of privacy, others had a blast.

QueenOfAllISurvey · 01/12/2017 12:27

But it's not 'needed' it's just 'wanted' by a six year old who saw something bigger and better at her friend's house. I'm just quite shocked that a parent would turn over their bedroom to a kid simply on their say-so.

daisypond · 01/12/2017 12:33

We have a two-bedroom house (terrace) and our three (all girls, so that maybe makes a difference) all share one room. One's semi-left for university now, but the other two are teens and still share, and they all share still when the older is back home.

coddiwomple · 01/12/2017 12:34

She's not 6, she's 10. It's perfectly reasonable for a little girl to start wanting privacy at that age, especially with a brother.

The whole point of being a parent is to be flexible, and to adapt! (to a point obviously).

coddiwomple · 01/12/2017 12:35

*sorry, it's the brother who is 10

Still a big enough difference to justify the need for privacy. I know posters think children should be gender neutral, but it's harder to impose the same rule when you have a boy and a girl.

Bluelonerose · 01/12/2017 12:40

My ds1 and dd shared from new born up to ds1 was 7 and dd was 5 and we moved to a 3 bed.

We were in council though and according to their rules different sex children can share until the oldest is 10.
However most council's have no available housing and I no people who have high school children of the opposite sex sharing.

It's not ideal but at least you have some solutions.
If I were you use get a space saving table for your lounge and turn your dining room into a bedroom.
That way you all have your own space.

ScipioAfricanus · 01/12/2017 12:41

Normally I’d say they should share a room but as her brother is getting older and it is going to feel uncomfortable for him to share a room with her in a few years, I think it’s worth considering alternatives, unless you are going to move (it doesn’t sound like this will necessarily be possible in the next few years). I agree with maybe temporarily using room dividers but the dining room as a space for your daughter sounds better in the long run than parents sleeping in the lounge in my opinion.

QueenOfAllISurvey · 01/12/2017 12:44

Yes, I agree there's a need for privacy at a certain point.

Which is why I can't see that adults sleeping in a common room is the answer. Especially when the DD in question is still mostly co-sleeping! What's the gain then?

coddiwomple · 01/12/2017 12:52

the adults only go to bed when the little ones are asleep, so the living room is not exactly a common room in that sense.

You can always send the kids in their own room, everyone has their own space if needed. For some families, it really works.

For me, each person needs to have their own space in their house, even if it means a small study for mum. I appreciate every family is different, but I totally get why parents would sleep in living room to free a bedroom.

Moot point here anyway, there's an extra room here; the dining room

SaucyJack · 01/12/2017 13:03

"the adults only go to bed when the little ones are asleep"

But the oldest is 10. He's not a little one any more. It actually makes it harder for parents to sleep in the main family room the older the kids are.

A kid of her DS' age could easily stay up until 10.30 during school holidays or weekends. What if the OP is unwell, or needs an early night? Or wants to watch an 18 cert. film?

Then the DD may well be up at 7 wanting to watch cartoons. Neither parent will ever have a lay-in.

It's far too much of a ballache to sleep in the lounge once the kids are over the age of about 5 IMO.

Migraleve · 01/12/2017 13:08

My DD once came home from a friends upset because she had a swimming pool in her house. She got over it.

Room sharing is a compromise lots of kids have to make. I dont disagree with wanting to give them a room each, but under certain circumstances I'm afraid you just have to tell your kids we can't all have what our friends have. Hell I am still upset because my friend has a Mercedes and I have a SEAT

coddiwomple · 01/12/2017 13:09

I don't know, I never had any of that problems! I have my own bedroom, but even so my kids are sent in their bedroom and if the eldest ones want to stay up a bit, they do so in their own room. That's what they are for. I would not leave a 10 year old watch tv on his own in the evening, (or even be on a computer), too many unsuitable material on there.

SaucyJack · 01/12/2017 13:16

Who said anything about leaving him on his own? I'm sure his dad can watch him if the OP has an early night/lie-in

coddiwomple · 01/12/2017 13:37

To be fair, I have no idea about all these issues! I am not a TV person, so my kids don't watch it in the evening at all - unless they have friends around or something, and the little ones are not allowed downstairs until we are up in the morning, they play in their bedroom. We do have tv at home, but it's never been an issue for us!

Original poster

Happyhappyveggie · 01/12/2017 13:44

Thanks for all your posts- I have spent the morning moving furniture to try and sort of split the room in half. Really it’s a very temp measure but I have used a Ikea drawer unit in the middle- half the room is now pink and half is more boy like. It’s a start but obvs the solution is to move house! We might get a sheer curtain & try and hang it up in the middle. They are still in bunk beds but it’s a start!

OP posts:

namechange2222 · 01/12/2017 13:45

It's not ideal but it's absolutely fine. Mine shared until 10 and 6 and would have carried on had we not moved. Life doesn't always give us what we'd like in an ideal world but I do believe children need to be taught that there is not always enough money for everything they'd like

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