To hate my life so much, and feel I've done the wrong thing though I haven't

[lavendergin]

Split with husband. Our relationship had got pretty awful, he wouldn't let me say no to sex, he checked my phone, checked receipts, I had no freedom, couldn't even go to the shop without being accused of having an affair. If I went out with a friend he'd say that the friend probably didn't like me anyway and just felt sorry for me.

Obviously and I know it's always the way, he wasn't like that all the time, which was partly why I stayed and also for the children, but then things got quite scary and I felt I had to.

It's now taking me every ounce of mind body and soul to hold it together and I don't know if I can. I can feel myself cracking.

I adore the children; I love them more than I ever thought I could love anything, but it's relentless having them constantly round my feet and demanding attention (not that it's their fault!) When I try to go out to places it's like a military expedition and I just see loving dads everywhere, with toddlers on their shoulders and supporting their wives and I can't help but wonder why I never had that, why I wasn't good enough for that and it really hurts me. Getting to do anything is so hard and sometimes impossible when I have to wrangle the different needs of children.

Then when they are with him it kills me so I can't win.

I feel like I've made a mistake. Is it that once you've found the father of your child you just have to stick with them, as I have to do eerything myself and I can't. All I can see is a very cold and empty life of poverty and loneliness - I am so lonely it's like a physical ache - and boredom and monotony.

You did the right thing by leaving. Any man who behaves as your husband did to you is not fit to be a parent. If your dc were not already aware of his abuse of you, they certainly would have become aware eventually. And how long until he treats them badly too?

And there is a word for 'not letting you say no to sex'. It's rape.

Have you had any input from Women's Aid? You need to do the freedom program.

My crap ExH actually left me (and the DC). I worked p/t during that first year, and then f/t, and made some great friends and had a new social life. It was tough and sometimes quite lonely and I worried about money, but I stuck at the job and started to feel better.

ExH was always an arsehole (and he's just walked out on his latest wife and family) and I'm free of him. The DC know what he's like and who he is. They love him though - I just try to be there for them when he pulls another stunt.

And eventually - I met someone who genuinely loves me. And who cares for my DC, as I care for his. Took a while, mind - youngest was 14 by then.

You did the right thing. Things will get better. Very much so.

Needing to leave your partner is not, unfortunately, the same as loving being single. You did the right thing, and its going to be better for you and your children.

At least now you have the chance to meet a decent man.

It’s hard now but the children will grow and it won’t be quite as hard. Just break it down every hour at a time.

OP I know exactly where you are coming from. I stayed in a abusive relationship for years longer than I should have for much the same reasons. I feel that as it was only me that was unhappy I was breaking up the family and the only person that gained would be me.
But as the others have said it's something the children would have picked up on. And I didn't want my children growing up thinking it was normal and ending up in relationships that they were abused or abusers.
I look at those happy families too and wonder why we didn't deserve that. I think I must be a terrible person. But I do know deep down it wasn't my fault.
Life can still be bleak for me. But I'm a lot happier than I was and the children are better off.

Thanks. Bleak sums it up. I wish I could say I was happier, I'm not, I'm just unhappy in a different way. I don't know when I'd meet anyone. And it isn't fair probably to expect the children to share a home with a man who isn't their dad (I know people do just not sure I am comfortable with it.) I just feel very self pitying, like I missed my chance to be happy now I have to just put up with it.

When did you split? Bear in mind you need to recover from something as big and life changing as this, and that takes time. You sound very down; do you think you could be depressed?

Post on the relationships board or ask the mods on here to move your thread - the people on there are so lovely and I’ve seen so many people in just your shoes get the most fantastic support and help.

You did the right thing leaving an abuser - you don’t want your children seeing that abuse growing up and thinking it’s normal. You deserve to be happy, and you will be, but it’s okay to feel like it’s tough right now.

Thanks, that's a nice message. I know I've done the right thing, it's just it feels wrong. What i know and what I feel are different somehow.